Monday, April 6, 2009

Emotion Filled Days

I am 13 weeks this Thursday. I am a bit of a nervous wreck because we are getting extremely close to the awful week when we lost baby Tadem. I am obviously still very small. I feel great, other than being tired. Not a lot of huge pregnancy signs are noteable to me on a moment by moment basis. If I could feel the baby move, I may be able to relax more. If I could hear the heartbeat every morning when I woke, I feel I could go about my days without worry in the background. I may feel more comfortable breaking out the maternity clothes. I am at an in between stage in clothing. I can't really fit into my regular clothes, am scared to break out the maternity ones should I have to put them all away like last time... Instead I keep busy with the boys, but the moment things quiet down I find myself wondering if everything is ok...I know we are close. We are at a pivitol point in this pregnancy. We don't know what happened to Tadem therefore I feel there is always the possibility that it could happen again. I pray each night for this babys health and for God to grace me with a peace as I encounter the days and weeks ahead. I have two big dates looming before me. I have these next two weeks where my strength is going to be tested. I have to wait until next Friday to ultimatly know if the baby in my belly is ok. To know if we will pass that ever so scary week with triumph. Then on April 20th, two weeks from today, I have what was meant to be Tadems due date. It seems a little strange to me to be talking about two babies that aren't here, one that passed ever so recently and the other growing in my belly where Tadem lived not all that long ago. I know it's meant to be. I know all of this was known before I knew it but when I get worriesome I wonder if these next two weeks will have any negative correlation at all. Or if there will be a life given for a life lost. My positive side sees that latter. My scared side does not. My husband promises me everything is going to be ok and I know that no matter what it will be ok. I know that I have no choice but to forge ahead. I have two beautiful boys depending on me and when I look at them, somehow, it all melts away. My counselor told me some of the wisest words I have ever heard and I literally take them with me everyday now. She told me Tadem is in heaven as happy as can be. He knows no grief. There is no grief there. Grief is OUR journey and my goodness, isn't that the truth. I don't know why that rang so true for me but it did. There is no grief in heaven and isn't that so much more than I could give him here on Earth. That makes me happy...
I have been waiting to share this because... well I guess I don't really know. It's so special and so dear to me. Everything with Tadem is so dear to me. It was a loss like no other and though I have learned more than I can ever share from it, it also changed me. I promised Tadem when others wanted to forget that I would never forget him and I am keeping true to my promise...

I think its beautiful!
It's not a reminder to be sad. It's a reminder that he was a part of us for a short time but that doesn't mean he didn't have an impact!

A new favorite quote of mine:

There is no foot to small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world...

So, so true.

I think of the strength I "feel" I need to get through these next few weeks and I suddenly stop and realize that I SO already have it. To get through those first few weeks after losing Tadem. To get up, shower, kiss my boys good by and head to the hospital knowing they were going to take my deceased baby from me, my friends, that is strength. I can do this. I have faith in Gods plans for us. Whatever they may be, however hard or easy they may be to handle. I can do it. I am so blessed in this life and if God chooses to bless us once more, then won't I be the luckiest woman in the world...

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