Silly Stuff...

Last week when we were admitted for 24 hours, I had one child man down with the flu.  Well now, I have one all better and it has moved on to the next.  So far, fingers crossed, knock on wood, Paxton has avoided it.  The funny thing I keep reminding my husband, you know the husband who is more than ready to add "just one more" to the brood, that if we had another one there would be even less time for him.  Poor dude has slept in his 5 year olds bed all week. Every ounce of energy I have,  has been running back and forth between the quarantined child in my room to the healthy ones trashing the joint. I keep saying there just isn't enough of me to go around, but he seems to know that this too shall pass. So, he continues to push for another baby and I continue to remind him of all that we have just been through and to go get his head checked. Speaking of having another baby (which I said I would only do if my Nanny Max comes back so he better go talk to the people that be in England) wait...speaking of NOT having another baby, the awesome hubs did a little wheeling and dealing and got me a personal trainer (at my request, not his implications and no we are not loaded, he happens to be hubs friend and that's where bartering comes in ;) to make sure I am able to get my workouts in. Those have all but gone to the wayside in the last year, with life, family and impending surgery taking over. Even just getting out of the house for an hour is next to impossible these days without at least one child in tow. I cannot put Pax in child care at a gym and I refuse to be gone in the evenings for bedtimes, so first thing in the mornings I get my a*% kicked.  He does boxing. Heart moms take notes: boxing/kickboxing is incredibly therapeutic!  I punch like I never knew I could. All those days in the hospital, all that pent up fear and tension comes out when I put those gloves on and use them.  Working out isn't all about the perfect body (although lets be real, it is a fab benefit) it is so, so much more about getting rid of stress for me.  My Dad taught me that a long time ago and I am convinced that is why he runs with such a fervent dedication to this day.  So while I gimp around like an 70 year old woman from the soreness, I am also carrying a much lighter load these days and let me tell you how incredible it feels.

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Pax continues to thrive here at home. He has returned to his normal, incredibly spoiled self. He is a typical two year old. Correction: he is a typical two year old who has spent a great part of his life in hospitals and doctors offices and therefore learned very early on, that he kinda gets what he wants.  Which is now leading to pretty impressive tantrums here at home when he learns "no it is not ok to pour ice all over the couch like you did in the hospital just to entertain yourself".  He no likey!

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Today we had a recheck in St. Pete with that second opinion doctor I talked about in my previous post. Let me tell you all the ways that we liked him. He silenced any fears I was harboring and reassured me in every area I was doubting. He was incredibly happy with how Paxton looks and I, once again, glowed with Mommy pride. We talked about how Paxton has quite frankly rocked this entire HLHS journey.  There are so many things that could have happened along the way. So many that I was warned about and prepared for and 99% of them never happened ( and I know I used and 4 times in a single sentence, but I don't care ;)

As I walked to the bathroom today while waiting for said doctor to see us, Pax and I turned the corner and saw a little boy who was clearly at the cardiology office for his heart, but was also bald from the chemo he had been receiving. He had tubes and wires coming out of several spots and I was once again reminded of how incredibly blessed we are.  I was all to conscious in that moment how this journey could have turned out.  We drove home and Paxton is out of the woods. We played silly string in the backyard tonight and I smiled so deep that we were all home, flu or otherwise, and playing in the backyard at dusk when so many other dusks were spent gazing out the window of a hospital room.  Oh' life is good. Eat it up good! 

this is called~ having big brothers!

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So I wanted to talk about something that's been on my mind lately. It started before Paxton's surgery and has been brewing for about a month now.  Just as we were preparing to leave and endure round three,  I seemed to be getting a lot of comments from friends telling me how their child was going through this or that.  They would then say to me, "here your son is about to have open heart surgery and my son/daughter is just having this or this done, I should really learn to suck it up."
Man do I dislike those comments.  I remember when Austin was born, a mere mosquito bite would send me over the edge. I would avoid giving anything, even Tylenol, at all costs. Now I give Triamenic if it's needed because I have seen a newborn on more hard core drugs than anyone can wrap their head around and guess what...he's fine and he's freaking smart.  Now don't go run out, drug up your kids and then come back to sue me, I am just saying I remember before. I still have before~two of them you know. I remember Austin getting tubes in his ears and I needed a paper bag to function.  Of course, open heart surgery is going to trump most everything, but it's not about trumping and here's what I texted my one friend: "this isn't about sucking anything up.  It's just us Mommies worried about our babies, doing the best the best we know how." Isn't that what it really is... There is no comparing because if that were the case I could sit here and say what the hell have I been worried about all of this time when not only could Paxton have HLHS, but he could have cancer on top of that, like the little boy I saw in the hallway today.  No.  We are each battling the ups and downs of parenthood however big or insignificant they may be.  These children are our hearts walking around in little human forms and skinning a knee stops my heart to this day, always has, always will.  

We wouldn't be Mommy's if all of the things in between healthy and hospitalized didn't send us helicoptering over them.  So please to all of my peeps that read this, know that I most certainly never expect any "sucking up", all I want is for you to know that I get it. I get it in a way I never knew I would. The day my first baby boy entered the world changed it all. 

I digress...

I am going to say night night for now and go watch some Mad Men ( my new favorite show, thank you Jaime) I could so live in that era and if you need some mindless mojo, itunes that sh*%.  Even though I am not a big tv fan, it has been lovely to be able to check out every once in awhile. 

Night all~ and watch yo' backs ; )

Love and hugs~

j

ps heart hugs out to little Zoey who is preparing for her Fontan and having her heart cath this Friday.  Pax sends you knuckles and says you got this girl!