Monday, April 30, 2012

Moments and Music

I can be having the most unimportant day driving along and a song will come on and suddenly I am transformed to another time... Moments past, present and future.  Music, lyrics, rhythms and the beats all move me from the ground up.  As you know I am not much of a tv girl, but that I love.  I listen to it all I guess. I love me some 80's, rap, soft rock and most of all country.  My pandora is forever set to a steady stream of country. All of which has the potential to have me in a heap of tears at any given moment.  Country and I are like fire and gasoline, but that doesn't stop me from losing myself in a song that takes me wherever I feel the need to go in that moment.  Songs for me are like streams of an old 8mm movie, each one, each genre, taking me instantly back to wherever I was at that time in my life.  Goo Goo Dolls...oh dear sweet high school when I thought I knew what love was; when the world was my oyster... To this day I can still meet up with my Dads cross country team for a run and simply running the same loop I did in high school has my mind wandering that old beaten path of young love, when I worked two jobs to stay afloat, when I had not one tiny inkling that I would be where I am today.  Not one tiny inkling where that beaten path would take me.  Crazy sh*% peeps!

So I dreamt I was pregnant last night. Good thing that can't happen since I have an IUD, but man alive did it stir me up.  Stirred up all of the things I missed. It has been nearly 4 years since I have had a new baby to hold.  I missed that with Paxton.  There was so much more surrounding his birth and homecoming that I never got to enjoy it like we all imagine.  The last thing we need is a baby, regardless of what the hubs says, but man to smell that new baby smell again and spend early mornings snuggled in a warm bed with a wee one would be heaven.  It feels like ions since life like that was present.  Bittersweet yet again. So much happened when Paxton was born, so much took place, so much came and so much went.  It's mind blowing.  I sit here listening to Lady A, who happens to be one of my all time favorites E.V.E.R. and I am dumbfounded at my minds ability to still constantly swirl over the last two and a half years of my life. Then I remind myself that we have just seen the light at the end of this 2 1/2 year tunnel and the swirling will continue for a bit.  I think of last year at this time and sometimes can't breathe.  But life does that. Drops your ass in this moment that tests you beyond anything you could ever imagine and leaves you struggling to keep your head above water.  It hurts. So hard and so good. As I have said before, there would be no beauty in the struggle without those nails dragging the cement of life trying to hold on moments.  They leave you reeling no doubt, but they also leave you superheroish.  Suddenly there comes a day when you realize in the words of Sara Evans that months have gone by and you haven't cried.  That you've got this no matter how hard it is, was or will be.  I don't know how this journey will play out. I know its dropped me to my knees, leaves me sitting at my desk right now with the rain pouring outside the window behind me, chin up, proud, knowing I kept my head above that water.  I am still paddling, you know, working my way through the tangle of life. Forever a work in progress eh... What I know beyond a shadow of a doubt is that each hurdle jumped is another lesson gained and I am worth a crap load of knowledge today.  So I kinda find the beauty in music and it's ability to remind me of that... you know~ where I have been.  It rips the scabs off those wounds and makes them fresh again for those 6 minutes or it glosses over some of the best moments in my life putting me right back in the thick of it for just a short time. Like a dream can do. Or closing your eyes in the dead of night.

Paxton got the all clear on Friday and I have cleary spent every moment since in some sort of nostalgic trance.  It's over.  For now, it's over.  Head above water.  Nubs for nails. Movie reel flapping.

On to the next... Please God let there be some smooth sailing for awhile~

Love and hugs~


cici said...

Love that post.
Many prayers for smooth sailing and happy times!

Freedom Hollow Farmgirl said...

Whoo hooo for Paxton and your family!

Freedom Hollow Farm

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