Wednesday, February 15, 2012

The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow Bet Your Bottom Dollar

Hello all from my bed here at the West house to which I will quietly wait for my husband to fall asleep then sneak out of and down the hall into my babies room.  I just took a shower and quietly panicked. You see, I stopped.  I stopped for more than 20 seconds from laundry, dishes, wiping counters, picking up toys, laying out outfits, making lunches, anything, anything I could do to keep from sitting still.  Finally at 10:30 I knew I needed to shower.  I knew I needed to begin to try and wind down for tomorrow.  The warm water hit me and all of the what if's began to race through my head at lightening speed.  I know of HLHS babies that have died at the dentist office, in their sleep, getting a circumcision etc. etc.  It's just a cath Jenn, just a cath. Then I remembered the under sensitized conversation I had with my friend and I reminded myself that it's ok to be freaking my freak.  The kid has half of a heart and he's going under anesthesia~ that in and of itself is hugely risky.  So it's not open heart and bypass, but that surely doesn't mean this is going to be a cake walk. I will never let my guard down because the one damn time I do....  So I panicked. I let myself. I will surely panic again when the lights go out tonight, but tomorrow, tomorrow morning I already know the drill.  Auto Pilot Mommy will be back in business.  Yep, she comes out just when she's needed and has never let me down.  I will go through the motions. I will be there stoic as a statue. I will hold him from 8 am to 1 pm while he is without food. I will hold him down while he gets an i.v. and screams bloody murder. I will hold him in my arms while they give him gas to put him under and I will watch his eyes roll back in his head and I will feel his body go limp in my arms and I will lay him down and I will get up  and walk out and glance back one last time and go wait in the waiting room and do what I am "supposed" to do.  Auto pilot.  It's Gods precious gift to us Mommy's of sick babies.  And when he is all better and we are home and he will be better and we will be home I will lose it then, but not before.
Prayer warriors, it may not be open heart surgery, but if you read this tonight, if you read this in the morning, if you read this anytime before 3 pm tomorrow please pray for my baby boy and that his heart catheterization goes smoothly.  Pray that we receive some answers. Pray that they are able to coil off any collateral's as needed. Pray that his bleeding is minimal. Pray that when he is scared, he feels that he is surrounded in peace and love. And surrounded he is!!! I have an entire post to share with you on the massive amount of love going out to my boy this week.  We have peeps near and far loving on him.  Wearing red. Facebook friends. An entire school of friends. Mommy friends. Teacher friends. And I have pics.  A whole stash of them.  A whole post I am itching to get typing.  A whole host of thank yous I am ready to shout from the roof tops.  Cause if anything fills me up when I am scared, it is knowing that he is loved. Loved for all he goes through. For all he fights for. For all he represents.  He is not without a purpose.  The pain and the hurt is not for nothing my boy!  So many people adore you. Adore those big blue eyes and that kick a*# personality of yours!



So for now I am going to go dry my hair and try to make myself feel pretty because sometimes a girl just needs to feel pretty when her whole world is being handed over the next day.  So do my hair I will.  Then I am going to go crawl in bed with my boy and remind myself that it will not be the last time. Not by any means.


I will keep you all updated as I can. He has a late cath (1pm) so it will be a late update.

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Warriors take your mark!!!

Ready! Set! PRAY!!!!!


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Love and Hugs~
J

3 comments:

cici said...

You and Pax are in my heart tomorrow. I will wear Red and every time I see red, I will think of your little man, Fear not Mommy, your sweet boy is in God's hands and He will not let any harm come to him.
I promise.

Lorena M said...

I've been thinking of Pax lately, remembering he was almost due for his Fontan. I will be praying lots for him and you, for a fast heart cath that gives all good news, for you to be right by his side the minute he opens his gorgeous blue eyes when he comes off anesthesia. He is so lucky to have you as his mommy. You are one of those bad ass moms, (what we call them in our Peds cardio office) those that are always on top of everything when it comes to their health and medication and appts, you would be surprised at how many little ones with heart problems go uncared for, and flakey parents that forget or don't bother to give medications. Paxton is very lucky to have been born a West and I pray for him always.

Janine said...

Praying!

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