Thursday, February 23, 2012

Be-YOND stream of consciousness peeps

I once had a comment from a reader saying she loved how I laid it all out there "curse words and all". Let me tell you something at 2:12 in the A.M. I would like to start this post out on a whole different note, but am worried I might be reported. It would go a little something to the effect of....." oh for f#@k sake can a girl just get caught up in life already..."  my body is f-ing beat if you really want to know, which you may not and if you don't, then move along to the next blog where birds chirp around perfect, happy little heads ;) but here, oh' here, we let er' all hang out and tonight I am tired. I want my Max(nanny max that is) back. So that when I do finally fall asleep tonight I will fall asleep knowing that Max will let herself in at 7:30 on the dot and the rest is history and my never caught up self that was in the hospital this weekend, did I mention that, oh yah, I was in the hospital this weekend. 

And remember this pic of Dad in the hospital and how he felt about that....

Welllll.... the apple doesn't fall far from the tree... 

We are one classy bunch round here, I tell ya! 

Let's try again:

Where were we.... Ahh yes... Nanny  Max...
If she were here I might actually have a chance to get caught up because girlfriend would lock me in my room and very near kick my a*% if I tried to move. She'd bring me my diet cokes in between running the boys to school, pick me up my favorite foods, pop in to tell me a joke or maybe dance around the foot of my bed with our dog to make me laugh and then tell me to shut up and go back to bed.  She was awesome and I miss her, because as stressful as our life is, she knew to take care of Mama too.  And sometimes dangit I need to be taken care of.  As much as I don't. want. to. freaking. admit. that. Ugh! I guess I do. I laid in bed tonight begging myself to sleep, to which I clearly had no success and my mind wandered off (awesome, cause you know where that gets me...) and I had this vision of me like passing out at the most inopportune time because my body is all like f-you, and off I go and then what.... 

Dangit, I have my good days and my bad.  Mostly good, tonight not so good. I am counting off the days until we see Chai (Paxtons surgeon) and I can count them on one hand.  I am nervous and I am ready.  I have decided I will drop to my knees (awkward....) and beg him to do the surgery asap because good lord in heaven I need this behind me! NEED this done.  At this very moment I need to puke. I need to do that a lot these days. Yet every morning I get up, I put on my happy face, my all is well face, my I got this face and carry on.  Every day I recite the same story "we see his surgeon on the 27th with his open heart to follow right behind, no he didn't just have his open heart that was his heart cath, his open heart is what is coming up..." It is my life. And that is SO ok, but sometimes, somedays/nights, like right now I want to hole up and sleep for days.  I want my body to allow itself to catch up so that I can face this head on, but it will never shut down for long enough.  My body, is quite the powerful vessel. It hates food right now, it hates me right now, it hates life right now.  It can seemingly only focus on my little boy and I don't know how to fix that.  I brushed my hair the other day and like kinda paid attention while doing so and oh dear lord in heaven did I immediately call Jenn, my hairdresser ( not myself, bet y'all really thought I lost it there for a sec) cause I have suddenly gone like gray underneath, not 10 or 12 gray, like a lotta lotta gots to get some color up in there gray.  Yay for stress and life, but hey he's a pretty dang handsome looking bundle of stress so I will take it. I will take it all.  The gray, the bags, the hospital visits, the lack of sleep~ k, maybe not the lack of sleep so much, but the rest I will gladly bear for him.

I just continue to focus on the months after he has his Fontan and pray that a sense of normalcy will follow.  

 What I am hoping will be the most sense of normal we have had since the day we heard the words "there is something within your baby's heart".
Seriously, can I get a whoot whoot for that!!!!! 

Love and hugs

ps yay for a publishing time of 3 freaking :07~ tomorrow is gonna be awesome ; )0

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