Monday, September 5, 2011

No sooner do I write in my last post that something is up with Paxton that I now write to you from the CVICU. Story of our lives. I am heartbroken and sad tonight. Is it so much to ask that this kid catches a break... Is it so hard to allow me to be home to take my kids to their first day at their new school tomorrow.... Speaking of hearts mine feels so damn torn all the time. I feel so much guilt for Pax taking precedence over everything else. He just does. He is fragile and the west world stops when he gets sick and two little boys are left in the wake. It pisses me off and makes me cry all at the same damn time. I need sleep but we all know I don't sleep without medicinal help because my mind never, ever shuts down and I can't take anything here so I just lay here and silently cry. My head is pounding. I want my bed. I want 3 little boys snuggled up beside me in it. This damn heaviness needs to go away. It such a heavy burden to bear. What to do. Surgery or not. Risk it or not. Somebody decide for me so I won't sit here and wonder if I will make the wrong decision. My only solace right now is having a bad ass nanny that is part of our family who will ensure my boys will be ok and a dear friend rearranging her own day to stand in for me and make sure they transition ok. That same friend who is awake with in her own bed worried about me sending me reassuring messages as I type this. And Aunt Lisa who forced me to nap today in the midst of my first meltdown.
I know the tears will cease. I know the boys will be ok. I lmow tomorrow brings a new day. A day in which hopefully Paxton will eat and drink so we can go home. never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have....


cici said...

Dear sweet Mama,
I really know all the feelings you have and I know sleep is oh so hard. When I was in the hospital with my son as a child the nurse would sneak me tylenol, so at least my throbbing head pain would stop. I remember it oh so well.
Whenever I had a hard decision to make and I was scared to decide, I would always ask the Doctor what he would do if it was his son. Then with that answer I had something to go on that was real.
Deep inside I know Paxton will get through this and you will be back with your family in just a short time, but right now it is hard for you to see that.
Your boys at home understand and grow stronger and appreciate Mom just a little bit more everytime.

I feel the need to reach out when you are feeling down, because so many times I have been there, alone.
Just know that Paxton is in my Prayers tonight and you are too, because this is hardest on you.
Try hard to get some good sleep, because he is in a safe place now and he needs for you to take care of his Mommy.
Thank you for being such a wonderful Mommy to Little Paxton.

Melissa said...

Praying Hard for You and Paxton.

Melissa (Maccoy's Mommy)

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