Sunday, September 26, 2010

Holy Stream Of Consiousness Batman

As if the last year hasn't given me enough to think about. It seems some days my mind never shuts down.  I realize I'm still sort of a mess inside. Paxton slept late today and again I started freaking out.  My husband says to me "what do you think he's gonna like just up and die one day?"  Men, gotta love em'.  I said "sadly that could happen." He's all like don't talk like that blah blah blah and I immediately got jealous over his ability to block it all out.  How can he not go check on his breathing when he sleeps that long. How can he tickle him for so long that he starts to turn blue from holding his breath and not stop.  Granted, he was totally fine, but I am so very scared to put to much stress on his heart. So afraid as he gets bigger and wants to go, to let him.  He wants to crawl and run and be wild like his brothers and when I see him straining to try and crawl, when I hear him panting I have to bite my tongue. I need to let him live, but everything in me says rescue him. My mind never stops. My heart never stops. I have soooo much weighing on it day in and day out. Hope and fear and contemplation about our future.  What it holds. What to make of it.


I'm a mess right now.  Not sure if it's because my little miracle baby is about to turn one is less than two weeks. Good God where did the time go.  I am so not the person I was last year at this time. I am so not the person I was three months ago.  I've changed so much and some days I don't know what to do with it.  I tried to go to bed tonight. My intention was not to write this post or blog at all, but sleep. Instead my mind set off on a marathon about life and here I am with my keyboard as I have been oh' so many times before.  I'm turning 30 freaking 1 on Saturday, maybe that's why I'm so contemplative.  Oh' this journey.  Where I started and where I've ended up.  Makes me laugh and cry all at the same time.  I still can't listen to country music because I just wind up in tears.  Wonder if how emotional I've become this year will ever pass.  
Everybody keeps telling me to write a book, make a book out of your blog. Other heart families could learn so much from it. I think about it. Wonder if I could do it. Then I move along. I don't know how to write a book and sooo many people write. I'm just little ole me laying my heart out to cyber space because it helps to feel as if I've not kept it all inside.   I used to journal and as I got older my hands couldn't keep up with my mind and I am a kick a*# typer (what I always dreamed of for my life, to be an awesome typer ; ) so I started blogging.  And here I am.
I have this never ending list of things to do and instead of checking anything off of them, it just keeps getting longer and longer.  It bothers me.  I am doer.  I am a get doner.  Or should I say, I was all of those things.  Grrr!
I'm still learning to let it all go. There's doghair tendrils rolling across the floor.  My mini van is chock full of toys, shoes and what nots and I like a clean car.  I can't make it to half the things I mean to. I can't get the photo books started much less finished.  I have the photos, I never stop taking pictures, I just can't seem to get anything done with them.  Paxtons memory box is started, somewhat. I still haven't gotten thank you cards out for the boys birthday and its making me bonkers!  Miss Manners would be appalled!
Does all this matter in the end. Not really I suppose, but it matters to me.  Someday. It's what I tell myself everyday. Someday I'll get to it. 

Wonder if now that I've just had complete diarrhea of the brain on this post if I might be able to shut down and go to sleep.  
What I wouldn't give for a big ole' shot of NyQuil right now.  Instead I'll lay here and think about my babies, all of them.  

The boys start soccer Thursday and we are to the moon with excitement. I turn 31 on Saturday and Pax next week.  Life goes on and yah' in the end that crap doesn't matter.  Snuggling with my babies is far more important than a perfect little book of photos is.  It's the time with them they'll remember most.  Oh sweet babies of mine, if anything keeps me centered it's you guys.  

Phew...I'm done now.  I'm gonna be man down for awhile, got a little minor surgery happening tomorrow, but I'll be back in a jiffy with soccer pics cause man you know I'll take hundreds. Wait, just wait til you see the boys in their "superman" soccer gear. Poster children I tell ya!

Night all.
~J

2 comments:

cici said...

Dear Jenn,
You and I are kindred spirits. You very young and me not so young.;)
I just want you to know that little Paxton will grow into a wonderful handsome man. I know this because he has a wonderful caring Mother that is looking out for his best interest every minute.
I wish I could have stepped back and seen the future, but I still would not have believed it and kept on worrying myself sick for needless reasons.
I want so badly to reach through the computer screen and give you a big reassuring hug that everything will be fine.
I will continue to pray for your peace of mind and little Pax to stay healthy and strong. I promise.
Hope your minor surgery is quick, painless and over before you know it. You are a true sweetheart and an amazing Mom.

{{{{{{big hug}}}}}}}

Neha said...

I can understand how scary it can get sometimes and how worried all of it makes you. I have followed Paxton's story from the beginning and he is a hero!

Don't worry about those things in your to-do list. You children are on the top and you are the best mother! They'll always look back at all these moments with you.

And I agree, the three are real poster boys!

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