The Wild Wild Wests

We will start sad and end happy, how does that sound? I had another rough night tonight. I think when I get sad it would probably be a 24 hour period of weeping however I refuse to let my children see me in that state so I am forced to only cry at night and it winds up lasting a few days. Grief is thick and heavy and messy. My husband and I grieve so differently. It's not to say one is right or wrong, just different. I feel like a cat that has fallen in a deep tub of water and is clawing its way out. That's how I feel about the memories I want to keep of Tadem. I am clawing, so fiercely to keep that baby's memory alive and I claw because I feel the world has moved on and forgotten. Everybody is present and there with you emotionally at the beginning and then naturally, everyone gets back to life and Ma Ma Bear is left with what was "supposed to be." Left with the pictures of her baby and the memories of saying good bye. Dave has been amazing, although at ...

So I was a little grumpy today! I put on a pair of jeans that were big on me a month ago and they were absolutely skin tight today. I was just so sad! I realized today that I have eaten my grief. There is no excuse for it but I was sad so I ate junk to try and make myself feel better. It's time to stop! I want to have another baby, and soon, but I don't want to go into the pregnancy already overweight and then gain that much more while pregnant. I ran tonight on the treadmill. I didn't want to because by the end of the day I am just so tired, but there is never really a good time and if I don't start somewhere I will always find an excuse. We have a lot going on in the next month so I have to really try to stay on track. Even if it's just 30 minutes a day. I have to watch what I eat and stop using french fries to soothe my aching heart. I miss Tadem, I miss what was meant to be. New Years was bittersweet for me. It's a fresh start and a chance to try ag...

It's New Years Eve Day and I am going out for a night on the town with our friends. I am really just wanting to stay home and be with my boys but I know that would not go over well with Dave. In any case, I wanted to wish everyone a very Happy New Year! I just cannot believe it's 2009 already! Where does the time go? I feel like all of the years past are parts of a movie that I played in. I know I was there but it seems so long ago. At midnight tonight, I will kiss my "honey" and thank him for this blessed life that he has chosen to give and share with me. I will thank him for our boys and all that he has done for me. I will ask God for health, safety and peace for our family in the coming year! I am excited to see what 2009 has in store for us. As each day unfolds, I can only be grateful for my past and hopeful for our future. Happy New Year Friends! CHEERS to all that lies ahead!

WE DID IT! Well actually my husband did it! We just signed on our new house today! It is officially OUR new home! Our plans are to be moved in and somewhat settled by January 20th! Ahh, the list of things to do! You see, we have been house hunting for some time now and for whatever reason each time we chose, made a decision or were ready to go on a particular house coincidentally it was bought, pending or on fire! No just kidding! I now realize that is because we were meant to be in the home we purchased today. That being said, I sort of checked out of the whole house hunting/buying thing because I didn't want to be disappointed again. I would go look and give my thoughts but when Dave and I walked into this house we sort of looked at each other and just knew. Its perfect for us, in an amazing neighborhood, with great schools! I left all of the details to Dave and helped where I could but I knew how hard it is to get loans right now. So I hoped and prayed but knew that what was re...

I just got back from a girls evening out while Dave spent some "Man Time" with the boys. My sister, my cousin, my aunt and my mother all went to see the movie Marley and Me. For starters, good lord don't you just love Jennifer Aniston. Ugh, she is so perfect! The movie was fantastic. My sister was right, it really did remind me of my life. They have a crazy dog (Marley), we have two! They had a miscarriage, we did too! They wind up with three kids; two boys and a girl! We have two boys and are trying for a girl! Her name is Jennie and duh so is mine! She stays home and yep you guessed it, so do I =) The whole film just had an amazing resemblance to my life! I wish I could say that I look like Jennifer Aniston did in the movie too but really that would just be pushing it, hee! hee! I did well. I did not cry. I prepared myself before the movie knowing that it would be a tear jerker and the preparation kept me from dissolving into a puddle in public. In any case, I did...

Well, Christmas has nearly come and gone. It was a whirlwind of visiting friends and family. The boys are beyond exhausted. Being out late has made for tired and cranky kids especially since we are all fighting colds at the moment. I think Austin started to get the idea of presents this year, however once he opened one he was only interested in that ONE toy and didn't realize there were more to be had =) Mason didn't really seem to care to much. He opened a present or two but I don't think he really "got it" yet. He had more fun with a roll of paper towels he found in the laundry room than with any of the presents. Next year will be loads of fun as they will have both matured more. I enjoyed the company and of course the food. I think I have gained 10 pounds in the last 24 hours alone. Good thing I bought Dave a treadmill for Christmas. I will be needing it. As stressful as it was at times with the boys being so out of their routines, I would just take a deep...

Ever since we lost Tadem, the one thing that bothers me the most is that I don't know if he was a he or she. I just wanted to know so badly and we were unable to find out since "he" passed without our knowledge. So, I have been praying about it. I have asked God to give me a sign, if He felt that was o.k. I told Him that I wanted to know so I had one more finite thing to give to Tadems memory. Some closure... I have started to listen to Christian music. Thanks to Angie over at Bring The Rain, I found some wonderful songs that I can relate to and I downloaded them from I tunes. (Seriously, is there anything better than I tunes) Today was the first day that I put the cd in the car and played it for the boys. Not a peep! Not a single word from either of them. I sang to the boys and they listened! As I sang these beautiful songs, I literally cannot explain what came over me, all I know is that I had goose bumps from head to toe and for an instant I felt a peace I have never...