Monday, January 31, 2011

My Soft Place

I have come to realize that we all roam this home we call Earth searching for our place.  Our meant to be, soft spot, comfy place to fall.  That place where you can just be you and let it all hang out.  That place where no matter how bad the day, you can submerge yourself in it's glory and you'll come out better, happier, more peaceful.
My place has been there all of my life, I just didn't realized how incredibly much until I had a special needs baby.  Somehow, when you are thrust into another life all together for a certain amount of time, you realize when you come out of it just how important it is to crawl your way back to that soft spot.  Yah, I left my soft spot for quite some time to become a wife and Mommy.  I learned this weekend that I can have both. That I need both.  That the healing that comes from it is so worth the extra effort.  That time subdues it all, but when you really get down to it there is still heart ache so deep it throbs in your bones.  There is fear so thick the tears well without thought.  There is sadness for the changes so radical it still blows your mind.  So every day I take myself to that soft spot. Whether it be the wee hours or dusky goodness; the streets of this town, the gym or muddy trails far away.  It is my soft spot.  That one place I go where my mind can be free, my fears can just be and by the end, hope always prevails. There is something liberating at the end of each workout with that adrenaline pumping. The sweat dripping my body almost as if they were the tears and emotions needing to be released doing it that way instead.  That high that I have found cannot be replaced.  It is my therapy.
So like a druggie, I am constantly looking for my next high.  The next race, the next adventure, the next place to leave it all behind at.  Not because I care about what it does for my body (although I won't lie, that part rocks too) but for what it does for my soul.  My beaten, broken soul.  It really is, but this soft place is slowly healing me.  Renewing me in ways that I didn't think were possible.

         Next Adventure

Yes, I got all high school girl and decorated the car!  I am my son's voice. I let the world know how awesome he is whether it be through the blog, my big ole mouth, the car or whatever else strikes my fancy. I run in his honor and it makes me a child again, excited and proud. So glass chalk and french braid pig tails it is....


Oh my stars was it freaking awesome!  I knew it would be fun. I knew it would be wild.  Yet it was so much more than that.  It was downright thrilling. I don't know why. Can't explain the "sickness" I have, I just know that I very literally smiled the entire way!


Oh' it was nasty, muddy, dirty, tire hopping, car jumping, rope climbing, balance beam, army crawl in a blacked out tent, log rolling, fire jumping, barbed wire fence skimming goodness. Yep, you heard me right. It was the craziest friggin day of my life and I think the high is still in the building from it.


I know I know there are far more exciting and ahem.... safe things to take to in life, but I love a challenge and as each obstacle came into my line of vision the smile got wider and wider.  Cause really, isn't life all about taking whatever comes your way and rocking it.   I am kind of good at the whole climbing, skimming, hanging on when there's nothing left, laughing at the absurdity of it all thing.  So too, was Warrior Dash.  I looked around at all the others high on it and giggled.  I wasn't the only one that found it so exhilarating.

no joke i had a manicure the day before. i am a girls girl and this was not ok with me. first thing i did when i got home was scrub my nails with a toothbrush)

(those were white shoes and socks prior to the race)

My friend Charity, who's son Asher, has the same heart condition as Pax was with me and while she was nervous as hell to begin with, I saw that high when she crossed the finish line all mudded up.  It was in her, just as it was in me.  The bad ass mom that could do nothing for months on end, but stand by was no longer just standing by. We were leaving all of that pent up frustration and sadness in the muddy swamps we had just groped our way through.

(oh lord when I saw her near the finish line i jumped up and down so hard cheering i peed myself, cause i get it. i get her and vice versa.  some days no words are needed. like this day when we both took to the swamps to heal our hearts.)

(heart mamas unite)

It was that good!

Everybody has their own way of dealing with life.  Everybody has there own soft place to fall.  I only hope that those of you reading have found yours. What heals you? What gives you strength when there is none?  Many of my readers are special needs moms and the journey is far from easy so I share my place with you because without it, I wonder who I would be today.... I think I would still be the exhausted, weary, sad mom.  Don't get me wrong, lord knows, I still have plenty of those days, no doubt, I have just learned to channel that.  We went to St. Pete for a cardiology check up last week and while Pax checked out great, I was still full up of everything that hospital represents to me by the time we got home. I was bitter, grumpy and ugly.  So I left. I went to the gym, sweat it out and by nightfall I was a new person, hope had prevailed yet again.  

So whether it be Warrior Dash or sweating in your own home in front of the tv.  Meditating, yoga or a hot bath. Find that soft place.  Love it and visit it often. The rewards are endless.  The healing, priceless.  The renewed hope, essential.   The smiles, emanating.



cici said...

That is the best race ever! What a great idea. I am so glad you found your Soft Place and other warrior mommies to shre it with.
You are Paxton's Soft Place and so you need to take care of yourself for him and doing what makes you happiest is the best way.
I am just so happy that you are Paxton's mom, imagine if he belonged to someone else who did not care? Now that would be cause for worry.
When you are alone in the wee hours of the night, just remember
what a great job you do taking care of your boys and rest easy knowing he has the best mommy in the whole world!
You rock!

Neha said...

This post is actually so soothing. The race sounds so much fun and I loved the way you decorated your car!

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