Stream Of Hospital Consiousness

So I sit here in the wee hours pretending that I did not just arrive back at the hospital with Paxton again after only being home for two days. This can't be happening. How did this day go from running errands to mad dashing it out the door 2 hours north again. I say good bye to another night of sleep again, because lord knows the vinyl couch, my mind spinning and the noises of a hospital just don't make for good shut eye.  My whole body says rest. My head hurts from crying so much today.  My mind is numb.  This is one of those posts where I tell you to move along if you want rainbows and sunshine because tonight you won't find it. I am sad and scared and frustrated. I want answers and I want to be home. I want my older two boys to not cry hysterically for mama because she was just gone for 8 days and now I have up and disappeared on them again dammit. It shatters my heart to do that to them because I know they can only grasp so much of that.

Today I melted. Melted like I haven't melted in a looong time.  I bent over the kitchen counter, phone in hand with cardiology sobbing as she told me to bring him in. "Don't even go to the er, he will already be admitted upon arrival."  And so it goes. The packing, the driving, the wondering, the tests, the questions, the hospital life.
Wouldn't change it for anything and I mean that because it means I have Paxton, but some days it catches up with you. Especially when you get teased with two days home only to turn around and head right back.
So I cried. A lot. So much I couldn't breathe.  Because really that's what I've needed to do for a long time.  Oh' I will start to cry and then pull it together, but what I needed was a fetal position in bed sobbing cry and so I did just that. Then I did what any Mother would do and picked myself up, dusted off, put on my big girl pants and hit the road.
I sort of laugh when people say "I don't know how you do it."  Cause really as if I have a choice. He's my son. What I wouldn't do for him. If I could give him my heart I would.  If I could take this away for him I would.  Maybe that's the hardest part of all...The control freak in me doesn't ultimately have control over this.  I have so many different doctors telling me so many different things and it becomes mind boggeling after awhile.
He has half a heart, when I doubt anything I have to bring him because I would never forgive myself if something happened because I didn't come.  I am Mom and the one who takes charge of all his medical care, appointments, hospital stays, visits and what nots. I am constantly scanning him, assessing, checking color. When he was here last week I left for an hour to go take a shower. When I came back I was in his room all of two minutes. I did what I always do and scanned him from head to toe and I said to the nurse "his i.v. is out."  Sure enough, she pulled back the tape and his arm was a log where all the iv fluids that were meant to go into his vein went into the tissue instead.  Nothing a little motrin couldn't fix, but I caught it, immediately because every time I see him I do a full body scan.  My mind never stops checking him.  I don't know that people realize just how much I watch him like a hawk.  It's a big burden to bear.
While most days I make lemonade out of our lemons, tonight I just want to be home in my bed off in never never land. I don't want to lay on plastic pillows on a vinyl couch listening to nurses continually walk in and out waking up my baby boy who just as desperately needs sleep.
He and I could both use a little R&R somewhere far, far away where life consists of walks on the beach and naps in a hammock with him nestled on my chest.
Hey, a girl can dream right....

Now that I have put fingers to keyboard and allowed myself diarrhea of the mind, maybe I will finally be able to fall asleep.  For tomorrow is a new day and surely it can only get better than today.  It will, it has to...

Ooh life! You can try to knock me down...but I always get back up for my babies!

Somehow, someway the strength is there when you think you have nothing left and for that I am so grateful.

~J