All Done

i am in bed completely exhausted, but unable to fall asleep.  i am hovering the line between passing out and wired to the max.  it's amazing how the mind can do that.  how one thought leads to another. how sheer exhuastion leaves you wide eyed in the dark.

i lay here contemplating all of the things i have no control over. contemplating everything that's going to happen whether i want it to or not.  contemplating this journey.  it's to deep. i don't want it all right now.  i want to be blank if only for a few minutes.  tiredness does this to a person. turns them into someone they aren't really.  i've been my ugliest and my weakest in moments where i've had the very least amount of rest.

i am a fixer and there's so much i can't fix.  it wears on me.  i want to fix my son. i want to bear his burdens so he no longer has to.  i want to fix his heart and find out why he is covered in welts from head to toe that no doctor can diagnose.  i want to get back to where i once was.  i want to have answers, but sometimes there just are none.

i'm learning to roll with the punches, never really been good at that, but a year has taught me to start learning, and quickly i might add.  the punches some days seem like low blows.  

today was  a low blow...

please don't let tomorrow be one too.

my eyes are swollen from hours upon hours of crying.  seems the tears had built up and we all know when the dam breaks there's no stopping it.  hoping i needed to get it out and that tomorrow will prove to be softer and kinder to me.

i just want soft.  i want italy.  i want time.

~J