Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Stream Of Consiousness

(A couple of blogs I read do stream of consiousness posts and today I am going to copy them, this posts content should explain why)

I'm still here...
I can't really say why my heart is so heavy right now.  I talked to a girlfriend of mine and our conclusion is that this year, this insanely crazy year, is catching up with me.

I am nearing the anniversary of life altering news. I know that weighs on my mind.
Why women remember those things I will never know, but we do.

I am exhausted beyond measure, even had bloodwork done for extreme bruising, which all came back normal with the exception of some anemia, thank God.  I just find myself barely able to move at times. I work out (hard) six days a week which has forced me to alter my diet completely. While we have always been a "mostly" organic family I have changed my diet to no starch carbs, more high fats like avocados and nuts, veggies and lots of protein.  Tons and tons of water and protein shakes.  Thus giving my body the fuel it is clearly lacking. I have upped my vitamin intake and omega three's tremendously per recommendation. I am trying to train myself to eat more frequently, but just don't feel hungry.
I am even going to a chiropractor three times a week. What started out as an innocent visit for neck tension led to an xray that shows I have lost ALL the curvature in my spine. Whether from stress, sleeping incorrectly or whatever. In any case this explains my migraines and the muscle tension.

I am  trying all of these things in an attempt to get myself back on track and out of this fog. I try to sleep and don't sleep anymore. Then there are days where I sleep so deeply I wake up unsure of where I am.

I can't figure out if it's because we have finally stepped out of the critical phase of Paxton's recovery and we are nearing the closest "new" normal life we will ever be at.  Life is pretty simple right now.  The monitor is stowed in the closet. Feeding pump waiting to be returned.  Meds are twice a day and only seven now instead of eleven.  My boys are growing like weeds and we have no surgery looming over us for some time.  It's pretty...well, normal.

Maybe I don't know how to handle that anymore. Maybe, I am finally slowing down to wrap my head around all of this.  Holy hell I had a baby 10 months ago and from the moment he entered this world our lives have been teeter tottering on keeping him healthy, on getting him through two open heart surgeries, two feeding tube surgeries and one very bad hospital stay for an insanely high fever/uti.

Here we are rounding his one year birthday and to think of all he has endured. To think of the days I laid in bed at Ronald McDonald thinking I would never make it back home.  That all seems sooo distant and yet it really wasn't long ago.

Life gives me this way of coping, maybe all of us I guess, this way of coping and then when the storm calms, we stop to realize the power of it.

I am quiet. More introspective.  Changed. Forever.

I lay in bed and wonder what our future holds. What Paxtons future holds.  I hold him and rock him and I am sad for how quickly he is grown and ever so grateful at the same time, for that means he's made it! Maybe it's because my baby isn't really a baby anymore and he is our last. I missed so much with him. Maybe that hurts deep down, I don't know.

All I know is this damn Apple keyboard has been my best friend this year. It has held so many tears for me and I sit here today while my babies are napping and let it all out to her once again.  Maybe I should name her ; )

My toes need to be painted in a bad way and the hair from our dogs drives me bananas.  Paxton is attempting to take powdered formula instead of the premade kind. He's not sure what to make of it cause he's spoiled like that.  Mason is so freaking gorgeous and Austin has hit the "four's" in a bad way.  Their birthdays are in like 3 freaking weeks and I need to get my shi*# together and plan them a day they deserve. I  have to go to Tampa next week, oh dread.  I love stream of consiousness because my brain is a big bowl full of mush. Somebody promise me it'll get better.  I danced in my bathroom this morning to Jeremih's "birthday s*#" song.  You know my love for r&b music.  I definetly danced like the saying goes: as if no one were watching.  It felt so good!  Made my soul happy.

I do have three small kids, one who still gets up at night. Not sure what to expect of myself, but anyone who knows me well knows I never, ever stop. So not feeling like myself makes me c.r.a.z.y in a bad way.

Keep on keepin on. It's what we do. It's what I've been bred to do.  I'll pull myself together and post some pics of my amazingly, gorgeous perfect children tomorrow hopefully!

Thanks to all those who continue to check in on our little corner of the world.

Alright, alright, just one...because God he makes melts my heart.



cici said...

Oh Sweet Jenn, I promise, promise it will get better. When my children were small I went through the same thing you are describing to a T. Looking back I should not have been so hard on myself trying to be the perfect Mom, but knowing deep inside I was not made me try even harder. I went through test after test trying to see what was wrong with me.
One kind Doctor finally came to the conclusion that I was not really caring for myself as I should because I was always caring for my kids and worrying way too much for one person.
Oh how that worry can bring on symptoms and steal away precious moments.
I hope you guys have a date night set just for you and hubby. It makes such a world of difference, even for the boys.
I'm sorry I am rambling, but your blog always just gets me. I wish I could go back in time and re do things, but all I can do is try to help someone else muddle through all the joy and heartache of being a great Mom.
I am saying Prayers for you sweetheart, that you will feel better fast and know that It's all going to be o.k..
remember....One day at a time and lots of hugs daily.

Hello! I'm Kate. said...

I've been perusing your blog now for the better part of 10 minutes just reading post after post...you have a beautiful family! And a great blog!

All your boys seem amazing & adorable! I'm a new follower!

Neha said...

That smile and those cheeks are to die for!

And I'm so happy to hear of Paxton's progress...he is my hero!

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