This Old Hat

Last night at this time we were just arriving here in Tampa.  Paxton and I together, just the two of us.  Today we spent the greater part of the morning into early afternoon in the hospital while he has a CT under anesthesia.  The nurse said and I quote, " I was prepared for this to be the hardest case of my day and he was the easiest." HLHS always puts the staff on high alert, but Paxton as usual did amazing.  He went 11 hours with no food and handled it like the trooper he is. While he sucked on his paci so hard he had a red ring around his mouth, he barely said boo.
I got to be with him today while they masked him down.  That means they put a mask on his face with nitrous in it to put him under and then they place an i.v. His veins are pretty shot at this point so they always mask him down instead of trying to poke him while awake and crying.  I held him on the catscan table while the anesthesiologist held the mask over his face. He was crying what sounded like a faraway cry due to the mask and looking at me. I felt awful holding him down, but I just kept saying "Mommys here, it's ok." Until eventually he became limp in my arms.  Nothing I would ever like to feel again, thank you very much...
We are hoping to hear from his cath doctor on the results tomorrow.

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It was a long day, but we made it. Just the two of us. We took our time.  We snuggled. We rocked. We hung out. We laughed. Maybe even both cried a bit.  These hospitals do that to us.  As the day draws to a close, I realize that together we can do anything (with a little help from the medical profession ; ) I just love that as hard as this all is and as drained as we both feel come the end of these days, it is as a friend said " just an old hat" to us.  Not sure if that's a good thing or a bad....

Driving up last night alone in the dark with my baby in the backseat, I realized once again how far I have come as a woman and a mother.  It would have been a cold day in hell before this year that I would load up, drive around in a town I don't know, book a hotel and stay alone.  I don't like out of my element. I don't like finding places and following gps's. I don't like new.  I like my daily routine. I like roads I know and I like my husband beside me to keep me safe.
Since Paxton was born, I have had to buck up and learn to do things on my own. So I walk around with pepper spray now, but dangit I can find anything that I may need (thanks to a little help from my i phone app - WHERE) I no longer walk around looking scared, instead I look stern and damn if I am not ready to kick some serious a*# should anyone come near my baby.  I am sure of myself and I kinda like it.
Again and again this year has taught me oh' so very much.  I often wonder what I would be like not having gone through this. Not having had learned how to fight right along side my son.
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Just the two of us...and we got this!

Paxton continues to rock it and I am praying Thursday goes no different!

~J