Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Time

It truly is amazing how we can spend a lot of energy wishing time would hurry up, only to turn around and realize it's over in an instant. The high seems to come not from the actual event, but from the anticipation or dread of it.  I have spent today realizing just how far I have come in one year.   

One year ago today, I went in for what was meant to be a regular ultrasound. One year ago today, I laid on the table and saw my third baby curled in the fetal position, gone. One year ago today, I had to say good bye to the dreams that I had for him.  One year ago today, I hit rock bottom. One year ago today I wrote this:
I am astounded at how the time has flown. It seems like just yesterday that I had to be escorted to the car by my husband because I could not see through the tears to make heads or tails of which direction I was headed.  I would have had a 3 year old, a 2 year old and a 1 year old. Would have does not mean should have.  
Little did we know, God had big plans for us.  
One year later, I have risen above the deepest pain I have ever known. One year later, I have successfully said good bye to Tadem and choose to remember him with a peace in my heart.  One year later, I have managed to grow another baby in my belly. One year later, I found the strength to forge ahead when handed a diagnosis for our son that rocked us to our core. One year later, I experienced the deepest fear I have ever known. One year later, I have given birth to our fourth son. One year later, I have watched him suffer through things none of us would ever wish on our child. One year later, I have endured separation from my family that has shattered my heart to pieces. One year later, I can say, "man what a freaking year, but we did it!" WE did it! None of this could have been done without the rock that is my husband.  I was angry, ugly and sad. We hurt, we fought, we cried and we struggled, but one year later we are stronger than I have ever known us to be.
It is amazing what can happen in just one year.  While it may seem like forever, it really and truly goes by in the blink of an eye.  It is when I stop to reflect on where I was in my life one year ago that I realize just how quickly where I am today in my life, will be gone. 
 It's been a powerful period that we have been through and the power of it shows me that time is fleeting. I had one life changing moment occur and almost exactly one year later, another life changing moment has occured. Both of which have forever changed us and in hind sight, for the better.  What we have taken and continue to take from the death of one child and the birth of another are forever engrained in us.  While I wish neither of these on anyone, I can say that they have both shaped our family for the better in the lessons Dave and I have learned and in the guardian angel that one boy is to his brother(s).
In closing tonight I send hugs and kisses from MaMa heavenward to my boy.  He too, taught me so many things in his short time inside my belly and apparently he has passed it on to his brother Paxton.  These two special boys are united together by God to bless our family. Aren't we lucky...
One year ago we said good bye, one year later Mommy has not forgotten you Tadem and for all the years to come, I will never forget...



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3 comments:

otherwise known as mom said...

God bless your family. I will lift you all up in prayer. You show much insight in your reflections.

Gretchen said...

What a year it seems you have had! God teaches us such amazing lessons through our children.. I will never cease to be amazed by Him! I too had to say goodbye to one of my children way too soon, and yet in hind sight I know without a doubt that she paved the way for me to be able to handle the diagnosis of her brother that follwed her. And because of her I had the strength to walk through the storm with Nathaniel! It sounds like Tadem taught you lessons in preparation for Paxton... amazing Hu? Painful, heart wrenching, something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, but amazing still.

May the coming year bear many rainbows for you and your family!

Lisa said...

Hi Jenn! Paxton looks GREAT!! I am so glad he had such a great week!!! You sound so happy writing this post. Love what your friend said Crazy/Beautiful! Your crazy but oh so beautiful life!! :)

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