Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Where Do Broken Hearts Go...

As sure as the sun rises and sets, I am confident that God is giving me a run for my money this year. I wasn't sure if I wanted to share or write about this, but this blog was in fact started during one of the most difficult times in our lives and today's story is no different. We are yet again, leaving our baby in God's hands. To start, today was the boys first day of school. Mason did fabulously, but Austin had a hard time leaving his Ma Ma, as usual. I won't say I didn't cry either, I just did it once we left. The harder the fight he puts up the more I know he needs this time away from me, but that doesn't make it easy. Once I dropped them off, I had another check up on the baby. What I thought was going to be another routine check up was anything but. I had an ultrasound to check my cervical length because I tend to deliver early and my doctor wanted to be sure my cervix was where it should be. It was, but the baby's heart was not. It seems there is a fairly decent size "something within the heart." She also had trouble seeing all four chambers. I knew as she continued to probe over my baby's steadily beating heart that something was off. I asked and she showed me what she was looking at and it was obvious. I, then headed to the waiting room, for what seemed like an eternity but was maybe 10 minutes max and tried to keep it together. My mind was/is a whirlwind of all that it could be. My breath felt/feels like it has been sucked out of me. Finally I was brought back and we went over the findings as I wrote above. So, tomorrow I am going to a fetal/maternal specialist to get a clearer understanding of what is in my baby's heart and what it could mean for delivery. I may have to go to St. Pete depending on what they find because St. Pete specializes in strictly fetal cardiac care. Worst case scenario, the baby needs intervention right after birth and we plan on a St. Pete delivery. At this time, the baby's weight is fantastic so in the words of my doctor, his or her heart is doing all that it should right now. His concern is the moment we cut the umbilical cord, is the heart healthy enough to take over. This will be determined tomorrow. I am on bended knees right now praying for my baby. I am reminded yet again how deeply love for my children runs through my veins, even ones I have yet to meet. I am also reminded that there are no guarantees in life, that God has a plan and I can jump on board with it or I can fight it every step of the way, but his plan will prevail. Obviously we are prepared to do whatever it takes for our baby, but the not knowing is killing me and I do mean killing me. This ache in my big, round tummy will not cease and I want to reach my arms in and smother this baby with all the love that I have. Before my ultrasound began today, I was sharing with the tech my experience in dropping Austin off at school and I said that being a Mother is so hard. We are never, ever the same. Our hearts are forever in these little people that we make and as this one grows in my belly and kicks me daily, my heart has been given away once more. As, my strength is tested yet again, I will forge ahead knowing the outcome is not up to me. Life continues to knock me off my feet, but I will get up folks. I may be a sobbing mess, but I will get up! Please pray for us as we head into the unknown. Pray for strength, where strength is low. Pray for our baby that looks just like his or her brother to be ok, to make it into our arms whole and healthy. Pray for me, as I watch the clock tick ever so slowly to tomorrow at 1:30, for patience and peace.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change...

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Hilary said...

Oh Jenn,
I am so sorry to hear this news. This is just not fair and I'm mad for you. You don't deserve to go through this. Your baby doesn't deserve to go through this. I know, that doesn't mean things don't happen, but still! I just really wish this wasn't happening :( I am just so heartbroken. I mean, I know, like you said, you will get through this. God is with you no matter what. I know He has great plans for your precious baby.
I am praying, Jenn. Praying for complete healing, in Jesus' name! I proclaim health, life and vitality in this little baby. I proclaim healing of this little baby's beating heart, in the healing name of Jesus.
My thoughts and prayers are with you....

boltefamily said...

I learned of your blog from Hilary, and will be praying for you all. I know some of the fear you are likely feeling and wouldn't wish it on anyone. We lost our second and fourth babies and there was a lot of question about our recent baby girl, our fifth. She was diagnosed with a rare but devastating disorder and is showing NO signs of it. God IS able. I know as a mom who has been through loss that we know all too well that sometimes he chooses not to heal, but sometimes he does and I will be praying that for you and checking in on you. My heart is with you and I will be storming the gates on your behalf.

Much love,
Kristy Bolte

Jennisa said...

praying for you Jenn....let me know if there is anything I can do for ya from a distance! :)

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