The Wild Wild Wests

Today was a day that tested my strength. After Fridays amazing ultrasound, I began to finally let myself get excited over this pregnancy and the growing baby in my belly. I spent the weekend so grateful for this baby's health thus far. Today, I went to the bathroom to find that I was spotting. I was in a hurry and very nearly did not notice but I did and panic ripped through me. I stood paralyzed in a very real moment of facing loss again. The boys were with me so I did all that I could to push the sobs down and away so they would not see. Of course, I immediatly called the doctor. They got me in and did, yet again, an ultrasound. There was a heartbeat! The baby was fine! The placenta was perfect. My cervix was as it should be. There is no rhyme or reason for the spotting. They assured me everything is fine! I finally felt oxygen flow through my body again. I think I was holding my breath praying for the best but preparing for the worst. I stepped back and realized that al...

(although blurry on here, in our hands it's so vivid and perfect) Yesterday we went for a "redo ultrasound." It was more than I could have ever asked for. She scanned me for nearly half an hour and showed us every inch of our baby. H/she was kicking, waving and even swallowing. Lips puckered and all. It was breathtaking. You would think after as many ultrasounds as I have been to in the last 3 years that it might get a little old, but it never does. If anything, this one was the most special, I needn't say why. Our ultrasound tech, had a perfect view of the under area and although we may be a little early to tell, and she didn't reveal because of course, as always, it's a surprise, I saw a special smile cross her face while inspecting. Hmm... Time will tell. What do I want you ask, a healthy and whole baby. Would l like a little girl power in the house, oh yes! Can I see myself with all boys, FOR SURE! Only God knows and well...maybe our ultrasound tec...

Dear Tadem, I have waited to write this letter to you until your "due date." It is here. Today is the day I thought we were going to meet you. Sadly, God had other plans for you. I questioned them at first, fought them and was filled with an anger I didn't know I was capable of. Today, I stand on the other side of that in peace. It was a long road filled with heartache, a loneliness I have never known and more tears than I knew one person was capable of. The tears still fall freely but they are different tears. They are not full of bitterness and rage anymore. I just miss you, that's all. I didn't know it was possible to love a person you have never met, so deeply. I just want you to know that I loved you the minute I knew you were inside of me. I was filled with relief and said so aloud every time I saw you. I look back at my words then and somehow, someway God was preparing me to let you go before I ever heard the words that you were gone. There was a p...

It seems that I am on Jesus' mind lately, and I am so grateful for that. For I know there is much worse going on out there in the world than what is happening here in my corner of it, yet he continues to grace me with peace and reminders that I am not alone. Yesterday I received a card from an old friend. Although we live ever so near to each other, we have trouble staying in physical contact. I do, however, know by now that we were destined to be forever friends. Different lives and time keeps us apart but thanks to hard changes in her life and a death in mine I know we are spiritual sisters here on this Earth and ever after. I am convinced, as most people are, that these things happened for a reason and had they not, she and I would not be in the places we are today. What I also know is that if I could take it all away for her I would. Thank you C, if you are reading this, for reaching out to me. Please know that even though time slips away from me, I do think of you nearl...

I promised you an Easter post, and I have delivered! Warning: These may be the cutest boys you have ever seen. Not biased, just honest =) We hope you had a wonderful Easter and may you continue to be as blessed as we are. xoxo

There is an Easter post coming. The boys had a blast and I got some amazing pics of them but quite frankly, right now I am to tired to do it. I know my rest is important but do stay tuned for an update tomorrow. I promise =)

Hello, Hello! It has been awhile. For starters, I was sick last week with an awful migraine. I felt it coming on and went to the chiropractor and even got a prenatal massage from my dear friend, but to no avail. It came anyway and I was laid up for over two days vomiting and writhing in pain. Big thanks to my sister for all of her help with the boys during this time, thank goodness for spring break. It killed me that I could not get out of bed to be with my boys. I could hear them and all I wanted was to go and snuggle with my babies. It is a very helpless feeling when you are that sick and all you can do is just wait it out. There is migraine medication that works wonders but I am unable to take it when I am pregnant and yet I seem to get the most migraines when I am pregnant, argh! As awful as it is, it so worth the pain, although I have stated on more than one occassion if I can deal with the pain of migraines, I can most certainly do natural labor. Hmm...still on the fence ab...

I am 13 weeks this Thursday. I am a bit of a nervous wreck because we are getting extremely close to the awful week when we lost baby Tadem. I am obviously still very small. I feel great, other than being tired. Not a lot of huge pregnancy signs are noteable to me on a moment by moment basis. If I could feel the baby move, I may be able to relax more. If I could hear the heartbeat every morning when I woke, I feel I could go about my days without worry in the background. I may feel more comfortable breaking out the maternity clothes. I am at an in between stage in clothing. I can't really fit into my regular clothes, am scared to break out the maternity ones should I have to put them all away like last time... Instead I keep busy with the boys, but the moment things quiet down I find myself wondering if everything is ok...I know we are close. We are at a pivitol point in this pregnancy. We don't know what happened to Tadem therefore I feel there is always the possibility th...

Well hello, hello. It has been quite a long time for me since I have posted. I find that by days end I am barely able to cleanse myself with a shower let alone blog. I literally sat on the toilet (the lid, of course, I wasn't actually going and no, I don't know why I chose the toilet) yesterday and prayed to Jesus for energy. I prayed that I might begin to feel the lightening of the first trimesters grip as I enter the second. I will not lie, it is exhausting being pregnant and caring for a 2 1/2 year old and a 1 1/2 year old. It is a non stop life and I can truly say that I would not change it for the world. I have the most amazing boys and I give thanks for them, their health, their smiles and their chaos every single day. Sometimes all day. No really, I never thought I would be so blessed in life and I find myself constantly grateful for what I have been bestowed. I picture life with a new little one added to the mix and all I can do is smile. The exhaustion of pregnan...