The Wild Wild Wests

We just got back from St. Pete. I think I just started to breathe again as well. Yes, you read that right.  We went to see Paxtons cardiac surgeon today to get a date for surgery and for the last week I was all like lets do this, hurry up Monday, hurry up. No sooner do we get there and he tells us "March 15th" and I feel the need to put my head between my legs.  I am so ready to have this behind us and yet hearing it threw me for a loop just the same.  I guess I am kind of at a loss for words right now other than to say that his surgeon is pretty confident Pax will do well. He also said he thinks Pax will feel a lot better once he is healed from surgery. He will saturate around 90% which has never happened in our little guys life.  He has always walked around with an oxygen level of mid to upper 80's and now in the mid 70's which is quite taxing when you are a wild two year old that steals food off counters and stuffs face before anyone might see. *************...

Sometimes quickies are all life allows and if you read last nights, or this mornings rather, post, you will see that I slept for approximately 3 hours last night. Which led to a complete meltdown come mid day today leading to me pulling up to the boys school in a heap of tears. Lucky for me the schools director, who happens to also be my friend, rounded up the boys for me, brought them out, piled them into the car and sent us on our way~ home . Where we needed to be.  We all piled into Mommy's bed and we laid there until Daddy got home.  It was one of those days where I clung to every fiber of my being to keep going.  But I have peeps. Peeps who won't let me fall. Jaime, whom I had a walk date with this morning. Who bought me tea and a book with sayings cause we all know I love inspirational sayings. She brought her wisdom and her laughter and she allowed me to just vent and when it got deep, she listened and then God, yah he stepped in and made us literally pee oursel...

I once had a comment from a reader saying she loved how I laid it all out there "curse words and all". Let me tell you something at 2:12 in the A.M. I would like to start this post out on a whole different note, but am worried I might be reported. It would go a little something to the effect of....." oh for f#@k sake can a girl just get caught up in life already..."  my body is f-ing beat if you really want to know, which you may not and if you don't, then move along to the next blog where birds chirp around perfect, happy little heads ;) but here, oh' here, we let er' all hang out and tonight I am tired. I want my Max(nanny max that is) back. So that when I do finally fall asleep tonight I will fall asleep knowing that Max will let herself in at 7:30 on the dot and the rest is history and my never caught up self that was in the hospital this weekend, did I mention that, oh yah, I was in the hospital this weekend.  And remember this pic of Dad in the ho...

Because sometimes the simplicity of coloring on the windows in our "man pants" at 3 in the afternoon is just what we need these days~ just what we need... Love and hugs~ J

So I just finished watching the movie 50/50.  It spoke volumes to me.  It reminded me that everyone is fighting their own battles.  That everyone has their story.  Are some better than others? Absolutely. Some come without any sort of understanding.  Others, teach us more than we could ever imagine. This past week was a tough one mainly in that Paxton has been out of the hospital cardiac wise for quite awhile now.  Last Thursday was the first step in the next leg of this journey.  The journey I have been dreading for far to long.  The journey though, that is coming whether I want it to or not. We made it through his heart cath and are now preparing our minds and hearts for March.  March is going to be Paxtons third open heart surgery.  As I watched 50/50 tonight with tears streaming my face, I found myself contemplating what would be worse.  I suppose any illness, whatever it may be, is tragic in its own right.  I try to t...

Sleep will have to wait so I can update those who lifted my baby up in prayer today on how he is doing. It's a quicky so forgive me just this once, it was afterall a long day. Pax did amazing today! So amazing that we are home and he is resting comfortably in his bed. Cath went well and showed he is ready and able to move forward with his Fontan! We see his cardiac surgeon on 2/27 with the actual open heart surgery to follow in thr next couple of weeks following that appointment. I say "let's do this bi*#%es!" cause really whats waiting going to do except cause me more wrinkles, gray hairs and French fry consumption ( its comfort food alright, sheesh!) Pax woke up from surgery incredibly pissed at the world, except me of course, he just kept screaming "mommyyyy" "i wanna go home" ugh rip my heart out and stomp on it with stilettos why don't you. Even I couldn't stop the screaming , which led to blood and doctors and nurses rushing in and ne...

Hello all from my bed here at the West house to which I will quietly wait for my husband to fall asleep then sneak out of and down the hall into my babies room.  I just took a shower and quietly panicked. You see, I stopped.  I stopped for more than 20 seconds from laundry, dishes, wiping counters, picking up toys, laying out outfits, making lunches, anything, anything I could do to keep from sitting still.  Finally at 10:30 I knew I needed to shower.  I knew I needed to begin to try and wind down for tomorrow.  The warm water hit me and all of the what if's began to race through my head at lightening speed.  I know of HLHS babies that have died at the dentist office, in their sleep, getting a circumcision etc. etc.  It's just a cath Jenn, just a cath. Then I remembered the under sensitized conversation I had with my friend and I reminded myself that it's ok to be freaking my freak.  The kid has half of a heart and he's going under anesthesia~ tha...

As you may or may not have noticed we have a new header. February is clearly very near and dear to my heart for obvious reasons.  I have several drafts in the making right now because every time I start writing I kinda make progress then I have to stop for some reason or other like to oh' I don't know sleep or tend to a child or something.  I can say I have been sleeping better. I don't know why. There isn't really a rhyme or reason to it really except I took myself off of all and I mean all meds.  Over a month now and I am on nothing. No anti-anxiety.  No anti depressants. Nothing. I did it myself.  Weaned myself slowly and here I am.  Do I cry more? Yepper. Sure do, like a lot. But you know what. I don't feel foggy anymore. I sleep like a rockstar and I feel like I have more energy.  Do I have my moments?  Don't we all?  I am pretty sure my doctor and therapist alike would have a lot to say about me taking myself off of these meds ri...

We were lucky enough to have met her nearly two years ago.  I will never forget when I met her in Paxtons hospital room and she looked at me and said " you have had three kids, holy crap you look amazing!"  It was true love! Girlfriend took us on full speed ahead.  Took over like she owned us and never looked back. Neither did we.  We never worried about a thing from there on out.  She was our boys nanny, my personal assistant because we all know I can barely remember to get dressed in the morning, she kept our house spit shined and above all was my friend. She knew when to step in and when to walk away. She was around for some pretty deep shit in the West family and kept on trudging.  If anyone was sick she brought us what we needed. If I needed a good cry, she put me to bed and told me not to move.  If I needed a good laugh she was more than good for that! I mean, I have more memories of her making me pee my pants than I can count.  And last...