Full Up

Man oh man am I full up right now.  Full up of gratitude, heartache, fear and holiday cheer.  This time of year is a whirlwind and for whatever reason this year it has been going by exceptionally fast. I canNOT believe Sunday is Christmas.  So much to do, so little time, and yet I awoke this morning to a heavy, heavy loss in the heart community and I cried.  I cried at how unfair this is for so many people and so close to the holidays.  They will never, ever be the same for them again.  I ache for them.  For their deep seeded loss and I realize that Paxton being diagnosed with asthma last week along with his CHD isn't really such a big freaking deal.  Hell he's not on ECMO. He's home.  So he takes 12 meds a day, big deal.  And yet it is all a big deal, its scary and it's serious and it upset me and then I realize that we are lucky.  There are many people out their with healthy kids that look at us and feel bad and apologize when they hear about Pax.  Apologize for what exactly, I don't know.  It's not something I have or ever will say to someone.  There is no need to be "so sorry" for us when others have it so much worse.  We have a beautiful, gorgeous boy who has done nothing but teach us the true meaning of life.  And I sit here as I have all day holding back tears, I know that these babies are brought here for however long to teach us just that~  how intensely amazing, fragile and beautiful this life is.  Is it hard, oh hell yes.  Chock full of fear, to the very brim, but I can bet your bottom dollar not a one of us parents would trade it for anything.  So while emotions run thick and tears brim my eyes just seeing a friend in the kids school hallway, I wave my hand before my face as if that would dry it all up. It doesn't, those tears are always just at the surface waiting...waiting... for myself and for our fellow heart families and any special needs family.  I continue to tell myself we were picked for a reason and I cling to that in saddest, most desperately hard times.  So far there are millions of others far more stronger than I ever could be because they have said good bye.  And as I have said so many times, the depth of a persons strength is never really known until there is no other choice but to be strong.

I feel like a picture post might be a better decision today than my words.  I know, I know... me at a loss for words, doesn't happen often right.  Sometimes though I believe pictures can tell a better story than words.

UPDATE:  I shut down the computer after writing this earlier this afternoon and took a nap.  It is amazing what sleep can do, how it can heal if we allow it.  While I am still quiet and introspective, I no longer feel like I will melt at any second.  Those families hit so close to home and my heart is heavy for the burden they bear as I write this.  As always, I rocked a little longer and "nuggled" a little harder tonight.  If these babies teach you nothing else, it's calm in the midst of chaos, love in the midst of hardship, gratefulness in the midst of life.

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In West news we are all kinds of caught up in the hustle and bustle of the holidays. And by hustle and bustle I mean parades, polar express parties, boat parades, santa visits, class parties, 

grown up parties (holla!)

Walks downtown caroling and light oohing and ahhing.  I was notorious for being a "picture whore" before. Holy heaven do I have hundreds from the last couple of weeks.  Oh' but these moments are all so priceless. I want to capture them all. I want to bottle these children up as it is this time of year I realize how all to quickly time is passing.

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Oh hey there grown up little boy with a fohawk!  Whatcha doin!!

Parade pics  I mentioned in last post.  Um... are you kidding me with those EYES!

And these cheeks. I literally suck on them until he squeals in laughter. There will come a day soon that I will be "that mom" when I do it and I will have to stop because I will embarrass him.  Ok, so I won't stop but he will beg me to. 

A little bit LOUD, but he rallied.  Anyone ever told you you have a little brother that looks just like you Austin...  It should also be noted that that little brother A-dores his "Aussin".  

Aforementioned girlfriend trying to give him a kiss!  Kid goes to a parade and leaves with a lady! Way to make Daddy proud Aust!

Couple of the night!

Other couple of the night~sorry honey ; )  pretty sure he may have seen a ghost or an alien or something because he's all kinds of holy sh*$ get me outta here in this pic. 

And those pursed lips...OHHHHH that is my favorite face. He does it when he's concentrating.  They purse right out and I purse right in.  

Mama and her golden boy

Oh hey Bojangles, how did you get in there. That's our dog Boji. He's obsessed with me and it makes my husband crazy!

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Moving on to the Polar Express Parade: local news anchor Lois Thome read the story.

Also:

Dear Austin, we are still unsure where you got those gorgeous, long legs from but I need to tell you right now it's not fair. I want them and would be ever so grateful if you could share this height gene you somehow snagged. K, thanks boo boo. 

Two things to note: 

1.) It was pajama day at school.  I do have day clothes for my children and don't lie you were totally thinking why is that child in pajamas.

2.) Lois Thome was the presenter when I gave the golden apple award to my teacher when I was in high school. As in 14 (or so...) years ago and the lady hasn't aged a single bit.  I would like to know her secret and really wish she wouldn't be such a show off about it : )  I kid.  I kid. She's actually the sweetest person ever. 

One of the very few photos captured of Austin smiling. He really is a happy kid, he just gets so sick of the paparazzi stalking him all the time.

no they did not call each other the night before and plan this. clearly old navy's sale got a lot of people hot and bothered.

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Next up on the West agenda: Paxtons Party

It was beautiful.  All of our friends and family came to celebrate him.  We had kids running all around the yard, Pax himself trying to keep up. We had presents brought for the children in the cardiac unit where he has spent many a months.  We put him to bed and celebrated the night away.  I eventually did what I do best and caught a glimpse of the slideshow I made on the tv and it hit me and I made my way to my bedroom and cried. Remember those tears I mentioned above...waiting...always waiting...  I cry a lot. And at the most inopportune times.  I worked hard on this party mostly just for what it stood for and in the end when all was said and done I had to let it out.  My girls rallied around me. They said no apologies were needed even though I kept doing so.  The men stared all like WTF when I walked out red eyed and puffy faced.  Oh' well.  Won't be the first time any of them have seen this girls waterworks. I think all of Naples has seen it at one time or another. It's a hard knock life and tears heal the heart so cry I will.

Here are the boys all pimped out just before the party in their "tree house" even though there is actually no tree involved.  GORGEOUSNESS!

Champagne fountain courtesy of my friend Roxanne cause that's how we roll ; 0

A Daddy and his girls 

A Mommy and her hero.

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Paxton all like, oh hell no running away from Santa....

Oh wait... you give presents....

Alrighty then... we might be able to work something out...

Kid is no fool.

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Caroling downtown with our class.  Brave, brave teachers I tell you...

Poser!

With police escorts thank you very much.  We do it big  here.  Or shall we say safely!

Ok I dunno if y'all are tired of looking at pictures of my kids, but all this has gone on in a matter of weeks, now you know how I feel! Whew has it been a whirlwind.  Oh and Austin got that stomach bug going around too.  Good lord how much can we pack into one month...

Alright alright I am done.....oh wait I almost forgot...

Now. I am done.  If I don't make it on here before the big day, from our family to yours we wish you a Happy Holiday.  Enjoy one another. Cherish the oh' so small things and give thanks time and again for all of the blessings bestowed to you.

Lots of Love and Hugs

~J