Tuesday, December 20, 2011

this is called it's 4 a.m. and i can't think of a title...

It's 4 am again. Yay for me! Wide eyed and bushy tailed as per usual.  I am unsure how I can be awake right now given the "help" my doctor has given me, but I am quickly learning that the mind and heart will win every time.  I have melted every other day this week.  I am gonna need to get myself together here at some point.  Lady at the bank looked at me like I had ten heads when I decided to cry in her line yesterday. I know an enormous part of my crying is lack of sleep.  I have said before and I will say it again, no sleep is a true form of torture.  I remember those days the first six months of Paxtons life when he was on a heart/oxygen monitor 24 hours a day.  Kid couldn't yawn without that thing going off and my feet never hit the floor every.single.time it went off for I flew to that bassinett and he was always fine.  I was straight up jacked for six months. Crazy lady walking around in a 5'2" body.  No sleep=tortureeeee.  So I figured out why I can sleep during the day, but not at night...well let me rephrase that, my friend Beth figured it out.  I sleep during the day because I know he is being watched, I do not sleep at night because he isn't being watched. Plain and simple. So I called Cardiology to ask for an apnea monitor for my own peace of mind to which his doctor politely declined saying he did not need that, to which I replied he may not, but I do.  She told me we can be seen every two weeks until his surgery to ease my worries.  I will tell her in a week that there is no easing my worries.  I will show her the bags under my eyes as proof, that may scare her enough to help a mama out.

We went to the Christmas parade last night.  Oh was it ever fun.  The boys loved it.   Paxton ran around like a mad man in the middle of the street (the roads were closed calm yourselves) with all the "big" kids.  He ran until he started coughing so hard he was gagging and trying to throw up. I put him in his stroller to try to get him to chill, he screamed his face off, I let him out and he high tailed it back to the big kids, coughing and panting and some kind of purple, but hey he had fun. I am letting him live.  It is hard. It hurts in a way I cannot describe in words to see him struggle. But the light in his eyes, the awe on his face the entire parade made it all oh' so worth it.  I was enamoured with just how enamoured he was.  Mason sat with ears plugged the whole time and Austin started out that way then found his big boy pants and was all racing to get candy and clapping and cheering.  Austin. My insanely shy boy. The one that would cry at the mere sound of a siren in the parade. The child who would hide behind me when around people he didn't know.  He took his fingers out of his ears and had fun.  I cried...again (told you).  It made my heart smile to see him comfortable and having fun.  It filled me to the brim to see the progress that child has made in a mere 4 months.  And the cherry to my sundae.... kid has a girlfriend and kid got his first kiss. At the Christmas parade.  I missed the kiss photo op, but here's a hug shot.  And don't worry she wasn't some hussy off the street, we like to keep it in the family, so he picked a friend of ours daughter. Or should I say she picked him.  That one is gonna rule the roost, just sayin.  Given that it's 4 am you will have to wait until next post for those pics to be downloaded off my "real" camera.

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We celebrated our anniversary.  We had an amazing night. We toasted to making it through the hardest two years of our lives. We talked about how much the struggle knocked us down, but how we both got back up and better than ever.  We popped bottles and we filled our tummies with A-mazing food.  We ran into friends and laughed the night away. thank you paula and kyle for letting us crash your date night.



I am kinda out of crap to say.  I don't know why...maybe because its oh... FOUR THIRTY in the morning.  Did I mention that...ugh!  Did I also mention that Saturday is a big, BIG day around here. We are having Paxtons birthday party a little late this year. We decided to throw a Christmas/Paxton party.  We are having everyone bring a gift for the children of All Childrens Hospital in lieu of presents for Pax. He doesn't need anything and he is home this Christmas when so many aren't.  We will make a trip to the CVICU and give gifts to those that cannot be home this holiday season.  I had Thanksgiving in the hospital last year, but Christmas would be extremely hard especially having two other children.  We will gather round my boy and celebrate his journey.  He has so many people pulling for him and what better time of year to celebrate that.  What better time of year to focus not on the materialistic things, but on the joyous ones.

So I am gonna peace out for now. Try to get some shut eye before the world wakes up all refreshed and I'm dragging a*#!  I leave you with this....





And in the words of Melissa Gorga, "thank you Jesus."


Love and Hugs,
J

1 comment:

Neha said...

The last picture is adorable! Love them all :)

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