Friday, December 2, 2011

Its a stream of consciousness kind of day my friends...

 It's 4 am here.  I am wide awake. I don't sleep.  Like ever.  I think I may actually be nocturnal.  I can take one hell of a nap, but other than that I lie awake and toss and turn or sneak into my babies room and pull him from his bed.  When he is in my arms, I can rest.

I cannot express to anyone the angst that is filling my heart these days. Just yesterday I was at a play date with a good friend and Paxton was running around trying to keep up with his older brothers. He was loving every single minute of it.  But he was blue, like CSI blue and he was panting, hard.  She looked at me because she will always be utterly honest with me and that I need, and her look said it all.  We sat watching him and it hurt us both.  She as a mother and my friend and while I hate that look for what it means, I know the love behind it.  If I stop and talk beyond the day to days about Pax, I melt.  At any given moment no matter where we are you might find me crying.  Little things set me off.  I take it day to day.  I know what looms in our future and it is paralyzing me.  I thought the intense love I had for him as a newborn could not get any stronger and I sit here in the wee hours knowing it can and it is.  As I watch my gorgeous, perfect son grow and cry for Mommy and tell me loves me and throw his food and decorate our Christmas tree I fall deeper in love. I know that I am not supposed to live in fear, but right now I live in fear every moment of the day and I am not sure why the intensity is so much stronger other than the physical signs remind of how close we are to handing him over and praying for the best. That day will kill me.  He understands.  He screams for me. I am the one who calms him at any given moment, and yet I will stand there stoic as a rock, for him.  He never sees all that I have just written.  Only the love.  The fear never prevails around him and his smiles shows that.

So while sleeping pills, lavender pillow spray, magnesium, meditation and yoga still don't allow me sleep I keep forging ahead and find that my body seems to be adjusting.  Soon I will need botox and eyelid lifts done, but thats beside the point ; )  We/I have no other choice but to cherish every single minute and oh' do I.   I stare at him, love on him, "nuggle" him and know that he is the greatest gift I will ever experience and he changes people.  This story. This struggle has changed me so very much and I think of who I was before him and who I am now... and it blows my mind.  I lost my way there for awhile, drowning in angst and grieving for all that we had been through in two years time at full speed ahead, but I prevailed.  We prevailed. He prevailed.  That's what we Wests do.  We are blessed and no matter how Paxtons story is finished I know we are blessed.  Dear friends and prayer warriors, I  hope that you will take a moment to "pray for Paxton".  Pray that we can hold off on open heart surgery until after flu/rsv season.  Pray that he continues to fight off every little thing he catches like the baller that he is.  Pray that God has big plans for my little mans future and for my peace.  Please pray for my peace.  For the knot in my stomach to ease, just a smidge.  I have already done the bargaining with him.  I just need his peeps to rally around him and envelop him in love and the power of prayer.
Also, you all should know I think I may actually have to cave and ask Santa for a snuggie.  As I sit here freezing my heiny off because my husband works in the sun and likes to come home to an igloo I just. cant. get. this. blanket.  to work right.  It's important when you are writing ya know.  I warned you~stream of consciousness.

Let me just tell you that we are in full blown Christmas mode around here.  Tree is up, house decorated, 95% of presents ordered and waiting to be wrapped, elf on the shelf is making his rounds and the sound of me continually saying no it's not Christmas just yet, but soon fills the air oh....I don't know 1,457 times a day.  They're pumped and it shows.  This Saturday we are having breakfast with Santa which has them some kind of confused because he lives in the North Pole and he's making presents and what not and the boys would like to go there (naturally ;) and see Santa and play in the snow and I told them we can't go to the NORTH freaking POLE because he's so busy right now yet he's coming to have breakfast therefore why can't they go back with him on his sled with his reindeer (who will not be attending breakfast) This shit gets tricky I tell you. And that run on sentence I just made.  That's exactly how it sounds coming from two little boys mouths who are filled to the brim with excitement trying to understand it all.

They decorated the tree.  The loved every minute of it and the bottom half of our tree is stunning ; )  

These are the days my friends. Making memories that I know they won't forget and I say that because they forget NOTHING!
Like when they tell me which way to go when we are driving to a particular place.  I'm thinking how in the hell do they know where to go when all they do is scream and fight and call each other babies the entire time we are en route somewhere. Must be an internal gps or something.

We saw Santa already.  We got caught in rain.  We laughed til it hurt.

Well...the grown ups did at least.  The hubs was awesome enough to pull us all in the wagon so we could race back to the car faster because we all know how slowly children like to meander along.  It's like watching paint dry.  Good times.

I had a couple of girls nights in there too.  We danced and giggled and it was good for my soul.  Sometimes a girl just needs to let loose and laugh til she pees herself (thank you 3 children for that) I have good peeps surrounding me.  Peeps who get it.  Peeps who tell it like it is.  Peeps who will dance on the back porch on a random night and have towel fights in the bathroom like little kids.  Ok that's my sister but she's one bad a#* peep too who as young as she is can no sooner see my pain that she's not right beside me ugly crying too.

no that is not her margarita thank you. 

Peeps who genuinely love my boys and put up with all the hoopla that goes on in a house with three wild, loud mama loving boys.

Peeps who are real.  Who will tell a story unedited because thats life and peeps who will shake their tail feather and who "don't stop believin" while doing so.

Ahh yes for all the angst there is joy and love and goodness.   For I have three of the most amazing, smart, gorgeous boys ever and it's almost freaking Christmas or as Mason would say "don't forget Austin its Jesus' birthday too".  Good boy Mase. Good boy.

Our Christmas card will knock your socks off.  Stay tuned.  I will be back after we celebrate our anniversary, after Santa pops into have some eggs with us and to share whatever else might pop up over here in Westsiiiide.

And I almost forgot...yesterday I am in the kitchen making snacks and the door bell rings. I ahem...see through the window that there is a police car outside. My heart stops. Like I had to have been as white as snow when I opened that door.  Insert large, scary, armed police officer glaring at me.  I put my hand to my chest because he just stares and I say what happened.  I immediately thought someone was hurt (thank you SIR for NOT having the decency to at least inform me that it was not emergent).  He proceeds to tell me that my children were playing with the phone and called 9-1-1.  I literally almost fell to the floor. I hung there like a ragdoll and said you'll have to forgive me for a second I know that this is a big deal too but I thought someone was hurt. You really scared me.  Large, scary, armed police officer did not care that little mommy who clearly didn't watch her kids was scared.  So I got the phone and ahem... ended the 9-1-1 call that was still in process and apologized.  I asked him to please tell the boys what a big no no that was.  Austin hid under the table i.e. the culprit and Mason asked to see his gun and said we only call the police if our house is burning down.  No Mason you may not see his gun and if the house is burning down get the frig out.  The end.   

Love and hugs,


Amy Bennett said...

Ahhh what a great post. Gotta say, I LOVE your writing. The 911 story made me pee my pants. That is awesome. And the whole blue kid + freaking out, can't sleep mama? Yep, I'm right there with you. But our Fontan might be a little further out than yours - maybe summer 2013 if he can hold out longer. but I'm seeing lots more blue these days, so might be summer 2012. Sigh. I hear ya. Trying to turn it over daily to Jesus. xoxo

Janine said...

Praying for you and your beautiful family.

cici said...

ahhh the famous 911 blunder. How many Mom's have had that happen, when little curious fingers dial to see what happens.
I think Anxiety is in the air, I'm sorry you cannot get some much needed rest. I used to be the soundest sleeper until I became a Mom. Now a pin drops and I am on full alert. The Darkness makes every worry worse than it really is. It is a great time to Pray though, and I will certainly say Prayers for little Pax to have a healthy winter and for Guardian Angels to protect his little heart.
Happy Holidays to all the Wests!!!

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