The Silver Freaking Lining Peeps

My birthday...?

Yesss, about that.  It was heavenly.  I want to be there again right now. I am pretty sure that's how the rich and famous do it and I am pretty sure the hubs had a full blown heart attack when he saw the bill.  He went all out cause he's amazing like that.  It looked a little like this:

And this:

Heavenly right...It was over all to soon.  The cool thing about things like that being over quickly is I always get to come home to this:

It's like a party every time we return from anywhere.  They make me feel like the coolest, most needed person in the world and that in and of itself feels heavenly.

horrible picture, sheer joy

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I have been a little emotional this week (shocking, I know) and I have come to the realization that I am just not ready for my baby to not be a baby anymore.  Paxton David will be turning two on Saturday.  My life two years ago today was that of sheer terror.  I was 9 months pregnant and scared to death that he would die.  I was packing my life up for what would be two months to stay with him away from my family.  I had no idea of the journey that lie ahead for me.  I have said a million times and I will say it again, I cannot wrap my head around it all.  It feels like yesterday and it feels like an eternity ago. It's been a whirlwind of a couple years and I am just now finally starting to fall back into place.  The fog has lifted and I am at peace with it all.  At peace with the fact that this journey will never be over, at peace that we will always live the "hospital life", at peace with special needs.   So many people tell me how strong I am and I always think...what choice do I have.  What choice did I have.  There was no option to not be.  He had no choice, but to sit in that isolette for two damn months and go through more pokes, pricks, surgeries and tests than anyone should ever have to in a lifetime.  I got that baby to nurse though which is almost unheard of.  I got him home and can remember being so terrified at having to do it alone without nurses.  He was SO fragile prior to his second open heart. He couldn't cry. He was on a monitor 24 hours a day. I didn't sleep for six months straight because of that thing.  The stress level for the first six months of his life was absolutely insane which would be why I was diagnosed with PTSD.  Holy hell! 

Which leads me to my all time favorite quote:  

you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.   

There I go again with diarrhea of the mouth.  Guess I needed to vent.  I am spending so much of this week reliving it all.  Why do women have to remember everythingggg?

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Moving on....

Paxton started school.  

Did y'all catch that?  I cut the cord...(a little) Little man has been begging and by begging I mean temper tantrum, screaming, kicking, throwdowns every time we drop or pick the boys up from school.  I carry him out sideways on my hip screaming at the top of his lungs like a little girl every. single. day.  So I put him on a wait list at the boys new school, which by the way should show you just how much I adore this new school.  Well a spot became available a little sooner than I anticipated and we took it.  He goes two days a week. Yesterday was his first day and let me tell you how much the kid loved it.  I walked him into class and he went right to it.  I cried like a little baby leaving my baby and had to be escorted out by my Beth who continues clear the path for me.  I called to check on him and I was some kind of cranky all day, but in the end upon picking him up I realized how happy he was which made me happy.  He wants to be a big kid.  He wants to be like his brothers. He wants to be allowed to live his life and no matter how hard it is for me, I will let him do that.  He deserves at the very least, that.  As for his teacher...well there couldn't be a better fit if I hand picked her myself.  She's that good. I was sooo scared that his teacher would be to afraid to take him on with his special needs, but she accepted him with open arms.  There was definitely a higher power in us finding this school and these teachers who are perfect, and I mean perfect, matches for my boys.  Austin, my golden boy Austin has flourished in a way I didn't know was possible in a mere month there.  Every day I expect a report like I was getting at his old school about how he couldn't focus, pay attention or sit still and every day I get a wave of the hand, a shrug of the shoulders and "puh he was great!" and every day I am in awe of the personality that has emerged from this once ultra shy, reserved boy.  Thank you God for this most priceless gift.  

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It's cooling off around here. Finallyyyy.  The humidity has lifted, the sweltering heat has passed and I no longer drip sweat just loading the boys into their seats.  I want to sleep in the grass and get drunk on the fresh air.  No joke. Or if I could be here~  (right now getting drunk on fresh air, that'd be pretty cool too, but since that won't be happening, a screen saver it is ; )

Seriously though, when you live in Florida. South Florida no less, it's like winning the lottery once it finally starts to cool off and you can actually enjoy being outside.  Halloween is right around the corner and I have two little boys who are trying ever so hard to wait patiently for it and every day their desired costume changes.  So far we have a fireman, a superhero, batman, power ranger, a bat and the latest,

 "a monster so I can scare everyone".   They take our light up ghost into their room, turn the lights off, cover themselves with their blankets and "woo wooo" noises can be heard down the street.  Time and again I wonder what they would do without each other.  Even Mason, the middle child who tends to beat up on Paxton (who takes no crap by the way)  loves him and told his teacher yesterday that he couldn't be in her class anymore because he had to go be with his baby brother.  Priceless stuff right there.  

I am going to sign off for today.  Paxtons birthday letter will follow shortly. That will be a toughie for sure, but as is this journey, in the end it's worth the struggle because there is this:

Learn from him peeps.  This boy is the epitome of happy.  Every day he teaches me to find the silver freaking lining!

Love and hugs~

J

PS I used to do a life with boys post quite often prior to Pax.  I think I will get back on that because these boys say the darndest things.  Will make you pee yourself...

Austin:  " Mason why do you toot everyday?" And good lord does he. 

Mason:  " why are you old?" to the cleaning lady. Oh dear...

Mason:  " is that big girl going to eat us?"  while getting breakfast one morning.  Gahhh!

Mason (again) : "can you take me to get some Starbucks?"  yah ok...

Austin: "we won't do it again!"  LIAR ; )

Mason:  "DAMAGED!" meaning dammit.  Ah, happens to the best of us.

Mason: "Mommy I told you three times to get me some daddy juice!"  You better check yourself son.

              Yep~ Mason is my wild child if you couldn't tell ; )  Makes me scream and laugh all at the same time.

check out my hat 'yo'

photo courtesy of nanny max.  she may sue if i don't give her the credit for this.  happy now max?