Monday, October 11, 2010

I Keep Trying

One year ago today, my baby boy was only hours out of his first open heart surgery at 4 days old....

I will never, ever forget how he looked when I first got that glimpse of him post op.  It took my breath away.  He was clinging...fiercely.

Our journey was just beginning. Months of it.

A.M.A.Z.I.N.G to be on the other side of it.  There's more to come, oh' yes there is, but that leg of it is behind us. He is bigger and stronger now, no longer the fragile 7 pound baby having to endure it.

Oh' time, once again, you never cease to blow me away....

***********************


So, I keep trying to do it.  To write the letter. To the most amazing little boy in the world.  And I can't.  It would require an entire day in hiding because the tears will surely not stop.
Every year I write each of my babies letters on their birthday, but this one takes the cake, no pun intended.
I'll get there. I'll do it. When I am ready.  It took me a long time to do a good bye letter to Tadem once he made his way to heaven, but eventually I did it and while hard to read, it is something I cherish.

So in the meantime, until my heart is ready to put the past year into words for my boy, I am just enjoying each and every minute with him.  Watching him grow and smile and finally learn to army crawl. He scoots all around the house and tries ever so hard to keep up with his brothers.  Oh' he pants and grunts and it is very, very clear how taxing it is on his heart. It makes me sad. It's hard for me not to pick him up and oftentimes I do make him take a break because he doesn't know when to.  But it is what it is and I am told I have to let him live, so I do.  I let him scoot and crawl and roll to wherever his heart desires, what he doesn't know just yet is that I am right behind him ready to scoop him up should he push it to hard.

He lets nothing hold him back.  


And he loves with all of his heart.



And I love him with all of mine...

Night all
~J

ps birthday pics are on their way.

2 comments:

Neha said...

He looks so charming and adorable! Waiting for the pics!

Albertina said...

Love your blog! Paxton is soooo beautiful, your baby is amazing, a little hero! I´m reading your blog since you were pregnant with Paton, I love your kids!!

Hope to keep in contact.

Greetings from Spain!

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