Monday, July 1, 2013

our hope...

you's started. shit is getting all kinds of drudged up.  we all know pregnancy can make for some crazy dreams, but these nightmares that are creeping in every night are horrid. paxton. it's all paxton. he codes. he dies. i can't wake him up. he's completely purple as i run him into an ER. he goes completely stiff in my arms.  they rock me to my core.  i think i have spent the last week in a heap of tears because i don't know how many more of these i can take.  paxton is of course, beautiful and perfect and as healthy as they come for a kid with half a heart. he's OK and i have to tell myself that over and over lately.  sometimes my husband has to grab my face and tell me he isn't going to die because i can't breathe through the tears.  and to top it all off i can't self medicate ; ) for the most part i am doing ok with this pregnancy thing again, quite frankly i don't have time to be anything but ok. i have three wild, and by wild i do mean WILD, boys to keep me running round the clock.

...yes that is  a baby snake they caught...awesome. just awesome.

i love it. i also love that s/he kicks constantly now, a gentle reminder that s/he is ok.  i need those reminders.  my  mind wanders. a LOT.  i fake it like a hollywood actress, but inside my mind reels with the reality of all that can happen.  and yet in the softening hours of the evening i have found myself wandering off to the idea of  a new baby and nursing and eventually being able to set up a nursery.  i won't do it before. i feel like it's a jink and besides we don't know what we are having and lord knows if it is a girl i am going to PINK the ever living hell out of that bedroom.  i am officially 21 weeks.

over the half way mark. all of our tests have come back perfect so far and we go to st. pete on july 10th for an entire cardiac workup. i am very anxious for that reassurance.  i knew i was a little screwy from seeing all i have seen, but i didn't realize just how much until i got back in the drivers seat again.  it brings back a lot of things i have been able to repress for awhile now.  ya know...this kind of stuff...

it changes you...moves your soul. terrifies your heart. so yah' doing this again is hard and scary and debilitating at times. it's also incredibly exciting and hopeful and bittersweet.  in the end we got paxton.  so i would do it all over again in a second and i will do it all over again with this baby if need be.


the boys...they're amazing.  they want to know how the baby is going to get out of me. i told them the doctor was going to take it out and mason says "so what...the doctor is just going to rip you open and take it out mom?" in the most nonchalant voice ever.  that is when i use the art of distraction and excitedly squeal "look boys, airplane!" question averted. for the moment of course.

since i last posted mason graduated vpk and is now ready for kindergarten!  i just don't even know where the time went. my masey. my moo moo is now about to go out into the real world (sort of ;). i am not ready for it.  i am not ready to let him go. but, off he will go.  and he will no doubt do amazing along the way.

a little before and after for the records...

i sit here and can't picture my life four months from now with another baby in the mix and yet i look at the before and after picture above and am reminded just how quickly time flies.  in the blink of an eye he or she will be here also and i will look back on this very post saying yet again...where did the time go...

i will rest my head tonight and i don't know that i won't have another bad dream about losing my boy, but what i do know is i have him now and i am blessed beyond any sort of measure to have three amazing little boys who are the light of my life. its hard for me to imagine my heart expanding for another one and yet it did three times over. i can't wait to meet austin, mason and paxtons little brother or sister. i can't wait to watch them learn how to love another little person right along with me.  i won't say that i haven't begged and bargained with god on a daily basis for the health of this baby because i totally have.  i want even more for the boys than for me, to be able to bring a baby home in the story book fashion we all dream of. for them. for all three of them, who too,  have had to figure out how to manage this journey we were placed on. the separation. the fear. the intense love. the growth. it ain't easy but i am hoping this next baby is our sunshine after the rain. our HOPE after the despair.

love and hugs~

and because this boy continually steals my heart . my golden boy.  my mini me.

on the back of my seat. in pen. right before we try to sell it. but how can i be mad.  


cici said...

Dearest sweet girl,

You have Post traumatic stress syndrome! I know the feeling. The military knows the feelings, The dreams, the nightmares and the fears and anxiety.
I have found that trying to live one day at a time and looking forward, not back is very helpful. Very hard to do, but it has helped me cope a little better. When you do look back try your hardest to see only the good memories. Paxton has come soooo far and so have you.
Can't wait to meet the new little blessing in your life.

Love and Prayers

zaneymama said...

Such great post Jen, I have been waiting patiently! Haha so happy to hear great news on the new baby!!! Now relax and Enjoy the rest of your pregnancy! Angela Pruess

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