Wednesday, July 10, 2013

a lot of you have already heard the if you aren't up for more gratitude, relief and baby talk i suggest you move along ;)  it's been a long 22 weeks.  a long 22 weeks of worrying, panicking, second guessing, flashbacking and crying.  today, however, there were a different kind of tears... today i feel like everything just might be all right.  i can still hear the devil on my shoulder whispering don't get to excited or you'll jinx yourself, but i try to push him away and remember that its a proven fact that thinking positive is better for you and provides better results.

we had our perinatologist visit today. we got to see our baby up close and personal and i mean every vessel, vein, ductus, aorta, archway, valve and chamber there was to see. let me tell you all the ways i have never been so happy to see four, YES FOUR, little chambers.  time stopped for a moment as i laid down on that table.

i remember nearly four years ago like it was minutes ago when i laid down waiting to find out paxtons fate.  it never leaves you man.  i remember seeing the scarred ventricle that was never able to develop. i remember them telling me how "significant" it was.  such a strong f ing word.

this afternoon though, it was like the lady had been there before herself, she got it, and kept me informed of every little move she made commenting with words like "fantastic, perfect and gorgeous". i was grateful.  i was proud. i kept talking to the monitor praising our baby for doing so good growing. i didn't even care how coocoo i may have seemed. i had to remind myself to breathe.  but the praises just kept coming,  tears started trickling and an hour of scanning later we were left alone while the doctor reviewed all that had just been recorded.  i stared at the pictures of the perfect little baby that really is in my belly, because part of me still hasn't grasped that i am going to have a baby in four months. i don't know if its my way of protecting myself or if i am just to busy, but its incredibly surreal, this whole thing. the doctor came in and confirmed what we all suspected. that our baby "has normal heart structure and function". that s/he needs no further follow up and she smiled when i said so we might just get to bring our baby home right away from the hospital.... yes i suspect you might, she said. there really aren't words i can find to express just how i felt in that moment.  if it happens as she suspects, it will be a far, far cry from these days...

so naturally we left and celebrated with food. we came home and i just wrapped myself around my boys. utterly consumed with gratitude and happiness. i laid with paxton at bedtime and just stared at him. this journey. this 3 year long journey with him was so intense and scary.  currently, we seem to be on the other side of that journey.  i don't know what the future holds for him, but right now he gets the normal, every day life he so desperately deserves. i laid my hand on his heart and felt it pumping knowing there's still only half of one in there amazed at him, his body, his spirit.

it was a weird feeling to be at the hospital he fought for his life in without him.  it brought a lot back and yet it sort of made me feel like we had come full circle.  we are doing this again in spite of the fear that paralyzes us, in spite of all the things that could go wrong, in spite of all we have seen.  last night i cried, buckets of tears for paxton, for our new baby, for dave and i and for austin who have all been incredibly emotionally affected by these last three years.  i kept saying to dave "there's so much that can go wrong" and he so eloquently said "but there's so much that can go right..."

 today... today, so much went right.

love and hugs to every single soul who took the time to wish us luck, pray for us and send positive thoughts our way. i read and relished every. single. one.  we love you and thank you for pulling for us as we travel this very bittersweet journey again.

AND NO WE DID NOT FIND OUT THE SEX!!! WE WILL NOT FIND OUT THE SEX!  We will all wait until November!!! xoxo

so much love tonight,


Amy Bennett said...

Oh my gosh, such FANTASTIC news. Praise God!!

The mom of 4 monkeys! said...

Oh Jen! Wonderful news!
And the picture of Pax.... My God, he may have only half a heart but he is absolutely perfect!

Anonymous said...

So very happy for you and your family!

Anonymous said...

Congratulations! What a peace you must feel. I sent a message to your gmail.....

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