Going there....

I have been toggling back and forth on this post for quite awhile now.... Lately it's been eating at me a lot more than normal. I lay in bed at night and it comes over me.  All you moms of children with life threatening illnesses know what it is that I am speaking of.  It's all consuming.  The it, is that all consuming fear and worry.  One thought leads to another and the next thing you know you have devised a life changing catastrophe in your head.  None of mine have yet to see fruition, but I continue to let that abyss swallow me time and again.  Like a couple of weeks ago, when Paxton, who wanders into my bed every. single. night. of. the. week.  chose to sleep in his own bed all night and I awoke at 6 am reaching for him only to find that he was not there.  I immediately went there in my mind.
It went a little something like this...

...he didn't come into bed with me. something is wrong. is something really wrong jen or are you being dramatic.  is it mothers intuition or is just that deep seeded fear that comes with having a sick child and then the two get totally blended together in a hodge podge of total panic.  today is his cardiology visit. how could this happen today. now you have to go tell dr. s that today of all days he didn't wake up.  how will i make myself walk in there and face this and keep myself together for the other boys...

I was frozen. Sweating. Heart pounding in my bed. Moments flashing through my mind...

THIS.  It never, ever leaves you...

As it turns out, Paxton did not die in his sleep that night.

And he has not chosen to sleep one more solitary night in his own bed. It was a total fluke, but the fog that encompassed me after that morning lingered throughout the day. I remember texting a few friends asking if it will ever go away.

It was only last night that I realized it won't.  It won't go away with Paxton or with my older boys.  I find myself constantly worrying that the ball is going to drop. This can't be true. All three of my boys, home, happy and as healthy as they can be right now.  Why does having one sick child suddenly turn you into this freak of nature...
Mason was buckled over screaming that his belly hurt last night. Over and over. My mind immediately went there. He's sick. He has something. This is going to start all over again.
Part of having a sick child is learning about all of the other sick children.  We unite. We hold each other up when no one else can understand. But with that comes knowing to much sometimes, but me, I can't turn away. I read every word they write and I find it turns out to be a double edged sword. I can see how many people turn away from the hard.  I cannot because if it were me, I wouldn't want everyone to abandon me because it got hard.  Therefore I can't do it to them. So I read and those words turn into my fears.  I read to much and worry to much. It comes with the territory.  I also saw to much in those hospital rooms and I know the worry from that too, comes with the territory.

It's an unending cycle. It's draining, I won't lie.  I had to answer this class questionnaire for school and one of the questions was is there anything about your child that worries you...
My answer: is this a loaded question?  Truly I wrote that because the list goes on with him and them. For all of us. We mothers, bear this burden all day, every day caring for our littles.  Ensuring their safety. Knowing when to much is to much and to little is not enough.  It's a big, bad, scary world out there and I personally, as do most mothers, make it my job to protect them from it, but the reality is there is only so much we can do. We are human. With faults. And good days. And bad days. And strong days and weak days.

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I ran this race two weeks ago that kind of reminds me of life.  It was called the Dirty Foot Adventure and as I wrote the last sentence in the paragraph above, the race popped into my head.  It was a 6.4 mile run through mud and slop and a series of 31 obstacles. It. kicked. my. ass.  It took 2 1/2 hours to complete the course, but in that time I kept going. Kind of like lately with my worries. You let em' soak, like my feet in that mud, then I pulled and pushed forward and kept going.

 Or standing on top of that 20 foot tall rock wall with only a rope to climb down, scared to death.  There was only one way to conquer that mother and after much persuasion I did it.  I climbed down. Just like I climb down these mountains of worry that consume me at times.

I finished and that silly little medal around my neck means so so much more than just finishing the race itself....
And today , I am teetering on the top of one of those damn mountains, but just as I write through tears at this moment, I know that tomorrow really will bring a renewed strength.  It never lasts long. It's thick and heavy in the moment, but passes quickly and for that I am thankful. I remind myself that I don't want to live my life in fear. Consumed and missing the present.  Sometimes hourly I remind myself of this.  I think we all do.  And that is ok.

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I was at this moms dinner a couple of months ago and one of the moms said does anyone else have these hell hole days where you want to pull your hair out and lie on the floor in the fetal position in tears? Oh the comments that ensued!!!

After listening for quite some time that moms reply was: "well the next time when one of you are having one of those days, let me know so I know that I am not the only one."  Hey S, I have those days a lot! You are NOT the only one.  In fact, those who don't have those days quite frankly make me wonder.


To my heart moms, past and present I get you. I hear you. I understand.  To moms in general. Just moms living the dream, raising babies, doing the best they know how one day at a time. I SO get you. I hear you. I understand.  Just keep hanging on ladies...

Love and hugs~
j

birthday post coming soon...it was pretty freaking amazing...