Thursday, September 27, 2012

..it's a brutally honest kind of day...

i have a shit ton of stuff to do today, but that went to hell in a hand basket this morning when i opened an email to read that another beautiful baby and her family have joined the heart world.  i made the mistake of reading it at a red light which only led to sobs of tears. it's not fu*%ing fair!! these babies do not deserve this. i am so angry today.  so, so mad at the unfu*%king fairness of it all.  and yes i am cussing like a sailor today because well... because i can and because sometimes adding the f bomb for emphasis helps.  i have been doing pretty good, but today driving home in my mommy minivan i cried like i haven't cried in a very long time.  his birthday is coming up.  i have a lot of emotion pooling in me. and i saw photos of a beautiful baby girl who is fighting the fight, just beginning her journey. i saw a mama just beginning too. learning ropes no mom should ever have to learn.  god i remember every beep and alarm sending me into a full flipping panic in the beginning. i remember the fear and the doubt and one look at those beautiful people in the pictures brought it all back like a goddamn tsunami. i want to spill out all these words to this family and yet i can't so i came home...to do what i always do...write. i am pretty sure the car is still running in the driveway as i sit here because i jumped out to run to my rock...my keyboard. i will write this goddamn book.  what i wanted most this morning was to know that beside  that mommy was a little book, something for her to hold that says i get it. i have been there. i am here.  there are medical books by the dozens but those don't resonate with a mom who's sobbing in fear, in uncertaintly. i needed someone to say it's ok to be fu*%ing scared. it's ok to be mad. it's ok to be overwhelmed by all of the medical jargon. it doesn't exist.  i will not rest until it does.  i am nobody special in this world and i have spent many a nights wondering what my purpose here is and i would like to think that through one little boy who grew in my belly and fought one hell of a fight, who still fights one hell of a fight, that, together, we can help others. that these tears, this fear and this anger are not in vain.  1in 100 births are born with a congenital heart defect and that's just not ok! this is not ok!  today as we all go about our lives, whatever they may hold, i know there are lives standing still in st. petersburg and all around the world, as they watch and wait to see how their journeys will play out. i have seen first hand the good, the bad, the ugly and the freaking beautiful! it hardly seems right to get in my car right now and go to target to get tampons, yes i said tampons, when babies are fighting so hard and families are suffering. but, life does go on.  the world keeps spinning and inside my whole heart i walk around with that knowledge. the suffering; the hope.  there is always, always hope. and as the tears continually flow today i remind myself that no one can take that away from us.  i look at my boy and know that hope sees fruition and i pray from the deepsest part of my being that others are as blessed as i am to know that all of this fight and hurt is for a much, much bigger purpose than we could have ever imagined.



until i know further that it's ok to write about them here, will you please pray specifically for this family that i learned about this morning. this family is currently residing in paxtons old stomping grounds. this family on the first leg of this long journey...



love and heart hugs~
j

4 comments:

The mom of 4 monkeys! said...

I will pray...

cici said...

Wish I could hug you right now.
Today I am Praying with you for that Family and their little sweetheart.
Tears wash away stress. I hope your day brightens. Give Paxton a hug for me.

Freedom Hollow Farmgirl said...

j~
I'll be glad to proofread/edit your book for you...I want to help you get your book done.

Blessings,
Suzanne
freedomhollowfarmgirl@yahoo.com

The Clinkscales Family said...

I can't remember if I've ever told you this before but in case I haven't. I love your blog and your complete honesty!!! I read back through my posts sometimes from when Cain (HRHS) was in the hospital and think...."that was not my true feelings at the time". Some of my posts sound so sweet and nice when I know good and well I was scared and pissed! And I also completely understand your post about laying in bed scared when your son didn't come to your room during the night. There are many mornings I've had the exact same thoughts. And I lay in bed thinking about it scared and then think to myself shouldn't I be jumping up to check as fast as I can but the fear holding me back. Thankfully every time he is peacefully sleeping but I certainly know the feelings all too well.

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