hospitals..../stream of consciousness
We got the text last night around 12 that Dad was going to the hospital. He has been sick for days with what we thought was the flu, but it turns out he has colitis and he is now enjoying his cocktail of morphine. As per usual his hospital room was filled with people and jokes were flying off the walls as if it were any ordinary day. As much pain as he was in, I believe this happened to force him to sit still for more than an hour. He has no choice but to lay there and get the rest he needs. If there is anything I have learned from having to sit for hours an days on end in a hospital room it's to rest and to take care of yourself. My Dad and I are both by nature very high strung people. We go until we fall down, or get a migraine or well...colitis. I gave myself 3, yes 3 shots today to get rid of a migraine. I was positive I was next in line for a hospital trip, but after 3 rounds of "shark medicine" I am at least able to write. Which leads me back to my point of resting and taking care of yourselves. I fall off that wagon far to much, but just as my dad is, I too am a work in progress. Aren't we all just that? Works in progress.
You should also know that "shark medicine" is shots. I don't know where the boys got it from, I am guessing a cartoon, but thats their lingo and we all know their words become mine.
I also visited my Nana in the nursing home this afternoon. The Nana that was completely fine until she fell and broke her hip just after Christmas. I told my sister after we left that when I get to that stage of my life, do not, and I repeat do NOT, ever put me in one of those places. Just set me out to sea with a large bottle of vodka.
Moving on...
This past Friday was date night with my two older boys. I took them to their first Hibachi grill. They thought they were so cool and I just melted watching their faces. Austin told me when he gets big that he will take me to date night on Daddys motorcycle. What he doesn't know is that I will have to be 10 feet under before I let him get on one. Regardless my heart melted. I have the. best. boys. in the world.
I am not going to sugar coat it. I am starting to panic about the coming months. Like really freak. I wish this were like other things in life.
UPDATE: went to bed last night while trying to finish the above post, but felt that once head bobbing began it was time to shut down for the night and lookie there now... it is 2:14 A.M. the very next night...oh' wait that would be morning duh! Yah. I'm awake. Maybe my vampirish sleep/wake cycle might have something to do with being sick for like every day for the past 3 weeks. Woke up today with a 101 fever. I slept, like a lot, thanks to a good friend of mine who might be a doctor and no she isn't open for writing scripts so don't ask, who told me that the very best " medicine" for me right now is....wait for it.... SLEEP! Shocked you all didn't I. So I slept for 3 hours straight then pulled my nappy self together to head for a 6 pm occupational therapy conference. I was sweating profusely the entire two hours we were there, I coughed so much I peed, but I went because I was not about to postpone one.more.damn.thing. in my life from "not feeling well". I am surprised my friends...all 3 of them, even still talk to me because if it ain't one thing its another. I swear I annoy myself so I must annoy them, but hey there's five of us in this house. Two who don't sleep and heaven forbid the two who don't sleep actually sleep at the same time. Oh' no. I will finally pass out tonight around 3 and no sleep boy will come wake me up around 4:30 and the two of us will start this ridonkulous routine of ours all over again and two days from now my cold will turn into pneumonia and I will feign not knowing why...
I have benadryl and nyquil on board. Still awake and still hacking. Don't waste your money folks. Oh' and did I mention that Mason has this thing I apparently now own and is coughing now too. 5 of us I tell you, we just make a game of duck duck goose out of our illnesses.
Holy run on sentence batman. I am just gonna say that right now life is a bit of a drag. I want my energy back. I want normal back. I want to look at the calendar and not see appointment after appointment lined up for doctor after doctor. It's not going to happen, but a girl can dream right. I thought of so many things I wanted to say today. So many things I wanted to write about, but then I just really wished dad would share his morphine with me so I could feel better and then I wouldn't be knee deep in another pity party with myself. Some days just suck the big one (erh..... no pun intended) and I cry. I cry like a little 3 year old at the unfairness of it all. I don't feel empowered right now. I don't feel like day to day I am focused on the present but rather what lie ahead, yet what does worrying today bring me tomorrow... I know all of this. I tell myself all of the time. Logically my brain does have some knowledge to it, but illogically my heart wins and so do all of the feelings that come with that. Mommy guilt right now is all consuming. I can't be sick, don't have time to be sick, need to spend every waking moment with Pax just in case something happens to him that way I can say I never didn't spend a minute doing anything but loving on him. Irrational much? Yes, but when you know that Mount Kilimanjaro lies ahead you want to prepare as much as you can. I want to sleep with him but I can't because my 100 year old lung cancer sounding self wouldn't allow him to get any rest so I can't. I am mad jealous at the hubs right now and his ability to shut down. With no meds or anything. Impressive. I love that my brain is so chock full of love for my boy that nothing can shut it down when it isnt' ready, but I spend a large amount of time wallowing in jealousy for men. They don't feel as deeply as women do, especially women with their sick babies. They are able to turn it off, like a tv set or something and I stand there with my jaw on the floor when I hear the snoring 5 minutes later. Like really, how is that even possible. I am told men are driven my food, sex and money. I say that's so not even fair. Why do women remember everything, get their periods, endure childbirth, have to be the Mommy with mad Mommy guilt because lets be real here at 2 f ing 40 in the morning. There's a depth to being the mom and there's a lack of depth in being the dad and right now as my husband snores in the other room I am dripping with jealousy that I can't be the lack of depth right now. I would never, EVER, EVER change being a Mom, but I will never go back to the freedom that I once had when I was 23 years old. And I don't mean the freedom to go out and party and not answer to anyone freedom ( I never partied. No seriously ; )
I am talking about the freedom to not have your heart divided among 3 of the most perfect boys in the world. The freedom to not worry every minute of every single day. It was a gift I most certainly took for granted. Yet a gift I would trade nothing to have back.
I am rambling. I am exhausted and tomorrow, damnit, toDAY is coming all to fast. Hello McDonalds diet coke I beg of you not to let me down tomorrow.
On that note I leave you with this:
My thoughts exactly Dad!
Love and Hugs,
~J
You should also know that "shark medicine" is shots. I don't know where the boys got it from, I am guessing a cartoon, but thats their lingo and we all know their words become mine.
I also visited my Nana in the nursing home this afternoon. The Nana that was completely fine until she fell and broke her hip just after Christmas. I told my sister after we left that when I get to that stage of my life, do not, and I repeat do NOT, ever put me in one of those places. Just set me out to sea with a large bottle of vodka.
Moving on...
This past Friday was date night with my two older boys. I took them to their first Hibachi grill. They thought they were so cool and I just melted watching their faces. Austin told me when he gets big that he will take me to date night on Daddys motorcycle. What he doesn't know is that I will have to be 10 feet under before I let him get on one. Regardless my heart melted. I have the. best. boys. in the world.
 |
| no seriously mase, take a load off :0 and austin "wears his sunglasses at nighttt..... (tell me y'all know that song...) |
UPDATE: went to bed last night while trying to finish the above post, but felt that once head bobbing began it was time to shut down for the night and lookie there now... it is 2:14 A.M. the very next night...oh' wait that would be morning duh! Yah. I'm awake. Maybe my vampirish sleep/wake cycle might have something to do with being sick for like every day for the past 3 weeks. Woke up today with a 101 fever. I slept, like a lot, thanks to a good friend of mine who might be a doctor and no she isn't open for writing scripts so don't ask, who told me that the very best " medicine" for me right now is....wait for it.... SLEEP! Shocked you all didn't I. So I slept for 3 hours straight then pulled my nappy self together to head for a 6 pm occupational therapy conference. I was sweating profusely the entire two hours we were there, I coughed so much I peed, but I went because I was not about to postpone one.more.damn.thing. in my life from "not feeling well". I am surprised my friends...all 3 of them, even still talk to me because if it ain't one thing its another. I swear I annoy myself so I must annoy them, but hey there's five of us in this house. Two who don't sleep and heaven forbid the two who don't sleep actually sleep at the same time. Oh' no. I will finally pass out tonight around 3 and no sleep boy will come wake me up around 4:30 and the two of us will start this ridonkulous routine of ours all over again and two days from now my cold will turn into pneumonia and I will feign not knowing why...
I have benadryl and nyquil on board. Still awake and still hacking. Don't waste your money folks. Oh' and did I mention that Mason has this thing I apparently now own and is coughing now too. 5 of us I tell you, we just make a game of duck duck goose out of our illnesses.
Holy run on sentence batman. I am just gonna say that right now life is a bit of a drag. I want my energy back. I want normal back. I want to look at the calendar and not see appointment after appointment lined up for doctor after doctor. It's not going to happen, but a girl can dream right. I thought of so many things I wanted to say today. So many things I wanted to write about, but then I just really wished dad would share his morphine with me so I could feel better and then I wouldn't be knee deep in another pity party with myself. Some days just suck the big one (erh..... no pun intended) and I cry. I cry like a little 3 year old at the unfairness of it all. I don't feel empowered right now. I don't feel like day to day I am focused on the present but rather what lie ahead, yet what does worrying today bring me tomorrow... I know all of this. I tell myself all of the time. Logically my brain does have some knowledge to it, but illogically my heart wins and so do all of the feelings that come with that. Mommy guilt right now is all consuming. I can't be sick, don't have time to be sick, need to spend every waking moment with Pax just in case something happens to him that way I can say I never didn't spend a minute doing anything but loving on him. Irrational much? Yes, but when you know that Mount Kilimanjaro lies ahead you want to prepare as much as you can. I want to sleep with him but I can't because my 100 year old lung cancer sounding self wouldn't allow him to get any rest so I can't. I am mad jealous at the hubs right now and his ability to shut down. With no meds or anything. Impressive. I love that my brain is so chock full of love for my boy that nothing can shut it down when it isnt' ready, but I spend a large amount of time wallowing in jealousy for men. They don't feel as deeply as women do, especially women with their sick babies. They are able to turn it off, like a tv set or something and I stand there with my jaw on the floor when I hear the snoring 5 minutes later. Like really, how is that even possible. I am told men are driven my food, sex and money. I say that's so not even fair. Why do women remember everything, get their periods, endure childbirth, have to be the Mommy with mad Mommy guilt because lets be real here at 2 f ing 40 in the morning. There's a depth to being the mom and there's a lack of depth in being the dad and right now as my husband snores in the other room I am dripping with jealousy that I can't be the lack of depth right now. I would never, EVER, EVER change being a Mom, but I will never go back to the freedom that I once had when I was 23 years old. And I don't mean the freedom to go out and party and not answer to anyone freedom ( I never partied. No seriously ; )
I am talking about the freedom to not have your heart divided among 3 of the most perfect boys in the world. The freedom to not worry every minute of every single day. It was a gift I most certainly took for granted. Yet a gift I would trade nothing to have back.
I am rambling. I am exhausted and tomorrow, damnit, toDAY is coming all to fast. Hello McDonalds diet coke I beg of you not to let me down tomorrow.
On that note I leave you with this:
My thoughts exactly Dad!
Love and Hugs,
~J
Comments
I am so glad that I found your blog because I see that I was not the only Mom that worried her heart out. I keep wishing I could go back to those days and not worry them away, but I know things would not change and I would still lay awake thinking "those same thoughts"
I guess Dads are more protected from worry so they can go to work and provide for their families. Different hormones and knowing you are on top of everything.
I think deep down he worries about you most.
Keep us posted and sleep tight beautiful! Always here to Pray for you.
I have been reading your blog since Pax was born. Something just struck me that I'd like to pass on...normally I keep my thoughts/opinions to myself so feel free to disregard this but..
I was having a terrible time with migraines a few years back. Had to see a neurologist and the whole bit..I would lose vision in one eye so it was a big deal..couldn't drive..blah.blah.blah.. Anyways, turns out there was something in the Diet Coke I loved that was causing them. It almost killed me to give it up, but I haven't had a migraine in a long time. Who knows, it might be something you are ingesting along with the lack of sleep / stress levels that cause them...Best to you,
Rebekah