Good heavens do I feel like I have lived a whole nother (and yes I just made up my own word thanks) lifetime since I last blogged. SOOO many pictures. So many changes. Like a lotta lotta changes. Some good and some scary, but how would the good be good without those times that seem to strangle us with worry. It is a process I will never fully learn. I grow and evolve in that process daily. Have I cried today~ oh hell to the yes. Have I also rallied~mmm hmm! Cause thats what I do. I have no choice. Today though I can say that I really and truly cried right in front of the boys. I am not sure I can say I have ever allowed myself to just break down in front of them. I pride myself on that, but today oh' today, I bent over to turn on Masons new lava lamp (cause what 4 year old doesn't have a lava lamp, oh right just the West boys) and hit my head very hard on the windowsill. I covered my face trying not to cry, but then a part of me said wait a second, the boys need to know that mommy gets hurt too and lord if the floodgates didn't open. Reality is there was a lot more than a goose egg to the head behind those tears, but it felt good. I dropped into the rocking chair and cried. Like hot tears. Mason immediately screamed for his big brother "Aust, Mommy's cryingggg", to which my golden boy came around the corner, took one look at me and high tailed it screaming to the other room.
He can't handle anyone upset~gee wonder where he gets that from. Mason, my 4 going on 40 year old, crawled right up in my lap and wrapped his arms around me saying "it's ok Mommy, it's ok." The sweetness of it all made me cry harder, but that should be no shock to anyone. I cry when I am sad. I cry when I am happy, mad, or grumpy. Austin eventually came back in and kissed my head. Pax, well he just put himself on repeat saying "you got boo boo Mommy, you got boo boo?". In the end, I put an end to waterworks and went to get snacks for naptime. Mason followed behind and all of a sudden says "good job not crying now Mommy." I replied with a thank you. To which he said "lets shake on it." And I did. 4 going on 40 people!
Lesson being that it's ok to let your kids see you cry sometimes. It's life and part of life is understanding that everyone, even Mommy has rough days. Milestone reached.
On that note: lets get on to the fun stuff. Yah we have fun too. Those of you that know us know that man we are a loud, wild bunch. Wild Wests~ get it ; ) Which is why this sign is the first thing you see upon entering our house. Don't say I didn't warn ya...
I'm forever chasing someone, telling someone to stop screaming right! this! instant! and I mean it this time boys. : ) that's about how it plays out. Someone always has to pee, someone always needs a drink, snack, gum (they're obsessed), toy, something to do, someone to entertain them. It is a full time job. The only awesome thing is they have each other and there are definitely times that I allow them to be each others jungle gym, like when I am trying to cook dinner. The messes, the chipped walls, the stepping on a matchbox car and thinking I am going to die~ they are so worth it to hear the belly laughs that escape them.
We have been so busy, having fun. Isn't that what it's all about. Like oh' I don't know going to the beach when it's cold out with good friends in our Juicy jumpsuits because 60 degrees here is arctic to us.
We celebrated the New Year. A brand new year! I am SO stinking excited to see what it will bring. I am scared for the two months ahead, but once we make it through that hurdle, and we WILL make it right? Then we can focus forward. Fresh freaking start~HOLLA!
So I am not going to lie, Sea World has a bittersweet place in my heart. The last time I was there I was about 8 months pregnant with Paxton. It was in this exact spot above where the four of us stood last visit . One week before we found out that Paxton was so, so sick. I look at those pictures and think... man as I stood there I had no idea how my world was about to change. How I was about to be tested, broken and then strengthened. Then I look at my face above and can say I have literally been to hell and back and am all the better for it. Plus I wear socks with my "feet flops" and that's just cool right! So I was a little unprepared for arctic weather in the sunshine state, gahh!
Speaking of remembering everything, good God why can't women just let crap go. Took Austin to a new doctor today and it happens to be next door to the neonatal specialist that did the first ultrasound of Pax after our normal OB said a buh and bye to us. You know the d *%k of a doctor that told me "how significant the defect was." So what you want to say SIR is, holy hell are you guys f*#%ed. Well thank you for your kind words, I feel all the better now. I digress.
*******
From Sea World we raced home to surprise my Daddy who has recently lost 25 pounds at his half marathon race. He was surprised all right. He thought we were still in Tampa and said when he saw sister and I running back to cheer him on that he was hallucinating from dehydration, but he wasn't and he pounded out a kick a*% time. Heart attack at 39 what????
***********
 |
| no really austin don't look so happy to be taking a pic with me |
Lesson being that it's ok to let your kids see you cry sometimes. It's life and part of life is understanding that everyone, even Mommy has rough days. Milestone reached.
On that note: lets get on to the fun stuff. Yah we have fun too. Those of you that know us know that man we are a loud, wild bunch. Wild Wests~ get it ; ) Which is why this sign is the first thing you see upon entering our house. Don't say I didn't warn ya...
I'm forever chasing someone, telling someone to stop screaming right! this! instant! and I mean it this time boys. : ) that's about how it plays out. Someone always has to pee, someone always needs a drink, snack, gum (they're obsessed), toy, something to do, someone to entertain them. It is a full time job. The only awesome thing is they have each other and there are definitely times that I allow them to be each others jungle gym, like when I am trying to cook dinner. The messes, the chipped walls, the stepping on a matchbox car and thinking I am going to die~ they are so worth it to hear the belly laughs that escape them.
We have been so busy, having fun. Isn't that what it's all about. Like oh' I don't know going to the beach when it's cold out with good friends in our Juicy jumpsuits because 60 degrees here is arctic to us.
 |
| hi hummus ; ) |
And I am not sure I've mentioned and if I have, I haven't mentioned it enough about how awesome my sister is. She is here every weekend to help me, to love on my boys and chase them around the house until I have to be all Momlike and tell her its time for bed cause girlfriend will go until she drops. She loves them and it melts me. She cooks for them, like really cooks for them and quite frankly gives me a lot to live up to. She's a clean freak, organizing fool and will find stuff to organize any time she can. She is there for me, even as a teenager whenever I need her, on my bad days and my good. She is already hoping we can plan Paxtons surgery on her spring break so she is able to help watch the boys while we are at the hospital. She is wise beyond her years and I am so grateful for her. Grateful that she loves to be with us and grateful that she is a goofball just like me and finds it fun to straddle sand alligators and take pictures of it! Yah we have a lot of goofball pics and a lot of sister fun fights with towels in a bathroom which leads to breaking lamps and posting embarrassing pics of the other on FB. We may be 16 years apart, but we are sisters and it shows. Love you dude.
 |
| twinsies! |
And I'll drink to thattt!
***********************
We went to the circus with our friends and bought crap we didn't need, but man did we have fun!
We hit up the movies to see Dolphin Tale because who doesn't love a movie about a dolphin that gets a prosthetic tail and lives happily ever after. Anything can happens peeps, anything!
*********
We went to "Willys house" or as most know it, Sea World. My boys are obsessed with Free Willy and would no sooner know who Shamu is than Brad Pitt. So Willy's house it was! SO much fun.
 |
| oh hey there killer whale that eats people... |
The dolphins were mesmerizing. I wanted to roll out my sleeping bag and lay there watching them cept' that would be totally awkward and I didn't have my sleeping bag.
Love this picture!
Speaking of remembering everything, good God why can't women just let crap go. Took Austin to a new doctor today and it happens to be next door to the neonatal specialist that did the first ultrasound of Pax after our normal OB said a buh and bye to us. You know the d *%k of a doctor that told me "how significant the defect was." So what you want to say SIR is, holy hell are you guys f*#%ed. Well thank you for your kind words, I feel all the better now. I digress.
*******
From Sea World we raced home to surprise my Daddy who has recently lost 25 pounds at his half marathon race. He was surprised all right. He thought we were still in Tampa and said when he saw sister and I running back to cheer him on that he was hallucinating from dehydration, but he wasn't and he pounded out a kick a*% time. Heart attack at 39 what????
 |
| can ya tell i rolled outta bed for this one... here's a thought: try some cucumbers on those puffy eyes |
***********
Beaching it with my gorgeous babes at sunset! Free therapy right there.
*************
We chilled on dirt roads and aside from having to drink to keep from having a panic attack at watching all 3, yes all 3 boys on 4 wheelers, mini motorcycles and the like, it was a blast! We stayed out way past their bedtimes because no one had the heart to tell their children that the fun was over. They ask every day to go back to "Miss Ann's" house.
 |
| My little P.I.M.P in his G wagon so fly... |
*********
We got big boy haircuts and by big boy, I mean like all grown uppp!
Mason started it all with his buzz cut and his brothers insisted on following the trend.
*********
We got new beds, big boy beds and hammocks (for Austins sensory issues)
Austin loves his hammock! Sleeps in it every night. And Pax oh' my Pax loves, Loves, LOVES his big boy bed. He has yet to get out of it once when its nap or night time. I definitely cried on his first night realizing that this amazing boy lived to reach another milestone. It was in the corner of that same room that I sat in his nursery rocker pregnant, crying and wondering if he would survive birth. Booyah! How silly of me to doubt him. And Mason oh masey, those puffy cheeks. I promise one day I will stop kissing the hell out of them, but for now I eat them up while you let me.
*********************
We just went to Cardiology and Paxtons oxygen saturations have dropped significantly. From 80-85 to 70-73 indicating that he is ready for his next open heart surgery. We go for a heart cath consult next week with the actual cath the week after which will determine how quickly we need to do the surgery. We were shooting for April, post RSV and flu season, but this last workup has his cardiologist doubting we will make it that far. He's blue. His body is fighting hard to function. He is constantly broken out in a rash. He is constantly panting. He is tired and it is so unbelievably hard for me to see him like that. And for the love of all things holy am I terrified to hand him over for the cath let alone the open heart. I sit here tonight not sure how I will do it, but I know in the end I will do what I have to do. No parent should have to do this and sit for 5 hours not knowing. I just want to be past these next two months. The terror that brims my body is beyond description. But as Dori would say " just keep swimming, swimming, swimming." One day at a time and on the really bad days one breath at a time.
I read this Pinterest quote daily. ( I love you pinterest) It reminds me that this is out of my control, so I remind myself to relish the now.
********
This is now...
 |
| my favorite paxie face |
...And it is heaven.
*************
Prayers for us in the weeks and months ahead will be forever appreciated. Mostly just pray for Pax. Pray he will be ok and two months from now I will look back on this post and say see!!!!
I promise to try and not make it so long next time! Seriously I mean it ; )
Hugs,
~j
Comments