Friday, April 22, 2011

Everyone has their outlet, their way of coping.  Mine happens to be running.  I cannot do that right now, haven't been able to for two weeks, had to skip out on a big race because my knee is in a bad way. To date I have had a cortisone shot and an MRI.  The truth is, I am pissed.  I am angry.  Running has saved me.  Healed me in so many ways.  Ways I didn't think I could be healed.  I am far from better after what I have seen this past year there is just no way to be ok just yet. In fact, I may never be ok.  My son is sick and that's the bottom line.  I carry this weight around with me every day.  So the only way to release some of that is to run.  I am done, for now anyway. Surgery more than likely looms in my future.  Chicago is still in question come October. I am angry. Because dammit I need it.  I need running like I need oxygen.  It's just the truth. When my world is crumbling around me, I throw on my shoes, my headphones and run like the freaking wind.  Oh' it feels so good.  My body feels so free.  I need to run right this very minute so badly I can't see straight and I can't.  The hot tears pouring down my face in anger and sadness.  I'm just sad tonight.  I just want one thing to  be easy right now.  Let me have this one thing. Is that so much to ask... I have paid my damn dues.
So here I am heartbroken and sad and like I have done so many times in the past I come to my keyboard for solace.  I can't find it in the pavement right now, so my keyboard will have to suffice.  This keyboard that holds so many of my tears.  This stupid keyboard has been there for me more than any human being ever has.  I like it. It won't hurt me. It has never let me down. I always feel better after I spend some time here.
Paxton is walking now.  He is proud and I am glowing.  I am however, scared.  To death.  He turns purple at least once a day now and I mean purple!  He cannot regulate his body temperature. He pants like a rabid dog when just throwing a ball.  His heart is tired. I am his Mommy and I can see the change. Surgery looms in his future too and it's going to be sooner rather than later.  I can't breathe when I think about it.  Can't put him down. I just left his room where I snatched him out of bed, laid him on my chest and rocked him.  I sobbed.  Sobbed that I can't fix this for him. Sobbed at the unfreakingfairness of life.

Some days, tonight being one of them, I wonder just how much one person can take before they snap.  Like I kinda want to snap right now. Just roll around on the floor like a toddler and kick and scream and cry.  Why.  Why me. Why us.  Life as I knew it is over and that's ok because I have him to show for it, but good God if I haven't changed in so many amazing ways and yet some not so good.  It's just the truth.  "Wounded war veteran" that's what I have been told I am and when I look into the eyes of my best friend CC who has traveled this same damn road, I see a wounded war veteran and I always seem surprised when I realize I am looking at myself.  I am like a vault now. Keep it all tucked inside.  Don't stop moving so you don't have to think.  Go through the motions without ever skipping a beat and yet I am broken inside.  Truly. You just don't go through this and come out whole.
My glass is always half full, but damn if I don't have some bad days here and there.  When the one thing that keeps me sane is taken away I falter.  I have nothing, but this damn computer.  Like here where I had nothing but a computer to get me through, I did what I had to do. Just as I will tomorrow. Tonight I will cry endless tears for all that is, for all that might have been, for all that I would change.  My heart hurts for so many things right now, but I will make it.  I always do.

"For all that has been~thanks! For all that will be~YES!"

For all that has been, I am thankful, even the parts I think I would rather not have had to endure. They have taught me oh' so much and really though isn't it better to hurt and feel something than to feel nothing at all.  I don't know why God keeps testing me.  I just know that no matter what I will make it.  Sad, hurt, broken yah' maybe.  But tomorrow is a new day and I will pull my damn boot straps up and keep on keepin on.  It's all I know to do. It's all I have ever done.  When I feel alone, I will come to this keyboard. When I feel helpless, I will think of all that I have done. When I feel heartbroken, I will concentrate on healing.

"Anything worth having is worth fighting for..."

What I want to fight for is happiness, a life lived to the fullest, to love with all of my heart, to let go of it all and just be.  And with that will come peace and freedom.  No one can make us happy, but ourselves and while I have a long way to go on this journey, I will keep trudging.  I will keep trying. I will keep being who I know to be and whatever comes with that will just be an added bonus.

Life ain't always beautiful, but its a beautiful ride.... and that is so damn true.

G night friends... I will check back in on Easter when a new day has sprung and with it the old Jenn will be back in business...



cici said...

I'm so sorry about your knee. I know how it can affect one's whole being. My sister broke her knee cap after falling in a puddle of water and has been feeling down too.
I am so proud of Paxton walking, what a little He-man. I understand your feelings when he turns various shades of blue, but I feel his little body will adjust to his new found energy and he will amaze you as he has in the past.
Maybe a break from running will give you more time to just love on your boys ;)
My Prayers are always with you.

Gretchen said...

I have followed your blog and your families story for a very long time, yet I seldom comment.. but this jsut tugged at my heart.

I am so sorry for your loss, in running, in your body and in your security, yet it makes me think. And so many times in my own journey I havehad things that I turn to when I SHOULD have been turning to God, and He has taken those things away from me. I don't know you well enough to know, but I thought I might suggest seeking God's will in why He took this??

I will hold you up in prayer and hope that you find a new path of peace soon!

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