Monday, December 27, 2010

What is it about the holidays that makes one so sentimental....

My mind wanders about trying to piece it all together...this whole entire year and all of it's chapters.  They seem like only yesterday and yet a lifetime ago all at the same time.  As always, I begin to wonder what a year will bring.  I wonder where life will have lead us 365 days from now.

I thought back to last year around this time.  How I was filled with terror every day having just brought our son home, the son who had just had open heart surgery, the son who was housebound from people and germs. The son who was still such a blue baby. Still so critical. Still on a heart monitor 24 hours a day. The son who still had a feeding tube coming out of his belly.  The son who had his formula fattened in order to gain weight. The son who was not allowed to cry for more than 5 minutes.  Oh' the fear that filled me to the brim.  The dread that I had getting in the car to go anywhere for fear he would start to cry and I would have to pull over and hope that my soothing would help. The trips to Tampa that took 4 hours because I would have to stop any time he woke.  Or pull over on the side of the highway alone and have road rangers stop to see that we were ok, then follow us the rest of the way should I need anything.  The never ending sleepless nights because his monitor would go off for no reason, leading me to jump out of bed and literally fly, feet barely touching the floor, to his cradle fearing what I would find.
I never, ever thought I would make it to today. The day where I would be able to sit here and say it's ok. It's going to be ok.  I have accepted that he's my blue boy. I have accepted that my days include drawing up meds, constant assessment of him that I am now able to do with my eyes instead of a monitor.  I was dependant on that damn thing, I never imagined I'd be able to do it on sight alone and yet I can tell a change in him instantly, the moment I walk in the room.  Somewhere along the way the fear began to settle and our new normal became...well, normal.

Don't get me wrong I wonder about his future constantly.  I pray he gets to grow old. Pray he doesn't need a heart transplant. Will fully admit I have my meltdowns with the very best of them!  Lay in bed sobbing out of fear, but man if I didn't stop to realize this holiday season that I have come soooo freaking far in one year. I am wicked strong. "Iron clad",  as a friend said.  I have become so much more independent. So much more confident in my ability to handle whatever is thrown at me because damn if spending two months alone in a hospital with zero control over anything doesn't make you stronger I don't know what does.
Acceptance has found its way to me and my boys continue to thrive and grow here at home.  3 little, amazing boys who have endured far more than they should have to in a years time.  They have risen above it all, as kids do.  I like to think it's in their blood. You know, the kicking ass taking names gene! Or maybe it's not in their blood and they have shown me.  Either way, one year brings infinite possibilities.
Bring it 2011!

Yup, the holidays make me so sentimental. I have always been "tagged" as sensitive, but now... now I am so much more introspective.  So much more appreciative for life and what it stands for. So much more conscious of how fragile it really is as well.  I find myself trying not to smother my boys in hugs and kisses. I literally could hug and kiss them all day.  I am just. so. grateful. for them.

Watching them light up seeing Christmas lights or hearing them sing "shingle bells" and tell the neighbors "happy hollwydays!" Oh it melts me to pieces.
I was driving to my family's house and I kept thinking of Christmas without my kids. That having them makes it!  Brings back memories and traditions and all of the things I want to do with my boys. I want them to have those memories.

I have pictures! Oh yes, I do, but right now I am fighting a nasty migraine so I am going to head off to never never land.  I just wanted to check in and say it rocked! The smiles, the squeals, the snuggles; they so rocked and I fell more in love.

I'll be back soon with pictures of my boo's. Until then I'll leave you with a lil reminder of how utterly gorgeous they are. I get that I am biased, but really you gotta admit ; )



cici said...

Thank you for letting me get my "West Fix"... Love the photos! I want to hug and kiss all those little scrumptious cheeks, so I can only imagine how hard it is for you not to gobble them up ;)
I hope his New Year brings you every wish you have and much more.

Neha said...

They ARE utterly gorgeous and beautiful and you are blessed and very very strong. Have a fun holiday, Iron clad Lady :)

Elli Gawne said...

Its great to see the boys looking so great! I cant believe how amazing Paxton looks. :)

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