on the eve of my daddy's birthday...

It’s crazy how the heart just seems to know… I was driving home after dropping off the babies today and as the tears started flowing I wondered if there was no calendar to tell us.... would we know… would it hurt as bad… or are dates just a constant reminder.

It’s the eve of what would have been my Dad’s birthday. A day he SHOULD be here celebrating and all I can do is cry.  Grief is so very hard to navigate. As the years pass I had this assumption that it would get easier, but for me it is very much the opposite. I miss him so much. The words ‘I miss him’ pale in comparison to the feeling in my heart right now. They sound so insignificant to what loss truly feels like.

I had this moment of panic this morning that people are forgetting.  He was loved by so, SO many people and I am smart enough to know that life goes on and I just wanted to scream from the mountain tops, please don’t forget him. I am guessing that is a stage of grief that everyone goes through.

I often wonder if I had been able to say good-bye...if it hadn’t been so sudden and I had the chance to tell him I love you one more time would that make this easier… that wasn’t up to me though,  so I remind myself that he went fast and in the throes of doing what he loved and that was most certainly what he wanted. So if him getting what he needed and wanted in his final hours means me hurting a little more then I will endure this… for him.  I will try not to be selfish and wish for more because in the end I know he knew. He knew how loved he was. He was a sappy ole thing and never let a day go by without making sure we all knew how much he loved us. And we were never to shy or embarrassed to reciprocate.  We were and are PROUD.

The dates hit me hard.  The calendars are a constant reminder year after year and some days I wish I could take away the calendar, but then there are days where for no rhyme or reason the tears just flow. He was such an intricate part of our lives; our patriarch. Suddenly not having that after having it for so long makes it really, really hard to find footing without him. Life does go on though and so I pull myself together to shuffle kids to school, then let it all out as soon as I get back in the car because that’s what he would have done.  He would have held it together for us. He taught me when I was a wee one that it’s ok to cry, but then we have to get up and go splash cold water on our face and continue on. So I am going to go do that right now and I will leave this here… Man his dash was freaking incredible.

Happy Almost Birthday Dad. Today I cry and tomorrow morning I will wake up, turn the faucet on extra cold and then we will celebrate YOU. Your dates and your ONE IN A MILLION DASH.  I am SO proud to be a product of you. To be a Sommer. To have been raised by you. But most of all I am so thankful to have been loved by you. “MORESTER” forever and ever. Your Jennie Bean

I had never heard this poem, but shortly after his passing he was inducted into the Coaches Hall Of Fame. We were all still reeling from his sudden death and a man got up there and read this poem. We were all speechless after listening because it resonated so deeply in that raw space we were all still in.  So if you haven’t read it… please take a minute to do so. It is powerful stuff.


cici said…
You are such a sweet and wonderful daughter. I can only begin to imagine what Dad would have to say about his Jennie Bean.
I hope you are living life the way he envisioned for you and are happy...you deserve it!
Love to you and your precious family. Hope Paxton is thriving, miss your inspirational posts :)

Hugs! :)

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