Birthdays In Heaven

I haven’t written in awhile… Im at place in my life where words often escape me. Today is heavy.  

He should be here.

As I get older and the world gets more crazy there is so much clairty in the fragility of life.  Losing my Dad so suddenly only drove that clarity home. I keep waiting for the sadness to pass. I keep waiting for the depth of missing him to ease.  I keep waiting for the dreams to suddenly stop.  None of it has and there is a part of me that is so very, very grateful for that. Somehow, those things have become a comfort to me as the years have passed. Like an old, tattered blankie. Sometimes we hide it and it isn't very pretty, but brings us comfort just the same.

I know “he would want me to be happy”. To “not be sad”. And yet just as my sister and I always discuss; had the roles been reversed he would be exactly where I am today. Sad and missing us.  Is there more happy than sad? Of course. I have a lot to live for. I am an example to my children and while I have not navigated this unflawed, I have shown them that even when we stumble…. to always get back up. Dad would be proud of that.

His pictures are all over my house. His jacket has hung on the back of the door since the day I received it.  It even still has the grease stain from what I’m guessing were wings on it.  That grease stain… it’s so silly but it reminds me that he was here and very much alive. Sometimes I just walk up to it,  put my face in it and cry.  There have been to many times to count that I have needed him so desperately these last couple of years, especially these last two months,  and I have come up empty.  Even at 38 years old he was that place of solace for me.  No judgement. Only love, even at my worst.  That is something that is hard to replace and perhaps only comes in the form of parental love. Forever and ever that is gone for me and as I navigate raising five children, being an incredibly imperfect human being and learning to live with a broken heart I find myself mourning that place of comfort more than ever. I hide it a lot because I feel like by now I should be on the other side of such thick grief.  It should have eased. I should have learned to live without him by now….but it hasn’t and I haven’t.  

In everything I do, I find myself innately finding a way to include him. It has become second nature to me.  My heart is so adamant about remembering him in the deepest form that it just happens and often I don't even realize it until looking back. Whether it be his iconic color orange, a quote, a picture, a shirt, a toast, a song or a letter.  Wherever I go, there he is and those little itty bitty ways my mind and heart have way of including him only confirm that. A reminder that he was such an intricate part of me that even years after his passing he is included in everything I do without even thinking about it.

Sommer continues to be my beacon of hope every day. She is the greatest gift he ever left behind and that baby has truly gotten me through some of my darkest hours.  Life is simply stunning like that.

I don’t know when or if it won’t hurt. I just keep hanging on and look for the signs I so desperately looked for just after losing him.

In the rays above his granddaughters head...

In the cardinal that has a nest right outside our front door...

In the song that comes on somehow at just the perfect time... 

In the boys when they bring home artwork with DDD on it, pick out orange anything "for Papaw" or even make the cars in their games just for him.

And especially and mostly in the wee hours when he emerges in my dreams as clear as the day is long. I cling to them in the hopes that one day I will see him again…  

I allow the tears to come when they won’t let go...especially today.

but when they ease and they always do….

I celebrate.  I remember.  I am proud.  I am #SOMMERstrong.

Happy Birthday Dad!  I never thought I would be living life without you so soon, but you are with me every breathe I take.  Thank you for being the most imperfectly perfect Daddy there ever was and for laying the foundation for me to be the same as a Mommy. I would be nothing to them today were it not for you. I miss you.  Somehow more and more as time goes on but I “keep hitting the curve balls” for you. 

MORESTER always~jennie bean

PS~ thank you to each person who has reached out only just this morning knowing how hard this day is for me. it is everything to me. truly.

"I hope everyone has a great day. I know today might be hard for all of us but just remember we have each other. You know I'm always just a text/phone call away. Love you all. Happy Birthday Dad. I love you and miss you so much" ~ Adam Sommer

"Happy Birthday to Dad in heaven.... Thinking of you today. xoxo" ~KB

"I know today is a tough day for you. Thinking of you. I wish I could have had the pleasure of meeting the man that built you. xoxo" ~ SL

"I'm thinking of you and loving you always"~ JB

" Happy Birthday Coach!"  Thinking of you my friend. You are such an inspiration, always remember that."~BM

Even when I feel alone, I am not.  Thank you sweet friends.