A soapbox rant...

For those of you who know me, you know that I don't stand on my soap box very often. I avoid conflict at all costs. I will agree with someone whether I actually believe in what they are talking about or not just to avoid confrontation. I keep my thoughts to myself unless asked otherwise and I stay pretty even keel unless of course you mess with my kids to which you will immediately see a side me of that has the potential to wind me up in jail.  I think most mothers can agree on that.

It's just that as if I didn't have enough 'stress' in my life day to day just being a mom and a mom to a boy with HLHS, but its gotten to the point that I can't even feed my kids without the threat of killing them, giving them cancer or causing a behavioral issue.  No dyes, no pesticides, no meat, no pasta,  no bread, no fruit or veggies that aren't organic and heaven forbid they drink anything but triple filtered water.  Don't stand in front of the microwave. Don't use that soap, its antibacterial and that is now bad. In fact don't use that soap because it is also laden with chemicals.  Don't sanitize your hands with hand sanitizer even though preventing germs in our home is imperative, because that too, causes cancer and DO NOT EVEN think about applying sunscreen.  Don't wear deodorant.  Don't breathe that air. DON'T DON'T DON'T!!!!! Honestly I am exhausted on a daily basis trying to remember all of the don'ts that I can barely remember any of the do's because there are so few do's left.

I use essential oils to keep us as healthy as possible. I use Wally's ear oil instead of antibotics in their ears.  I buy organic fruits and veggies. I buy organic meat. I stay away from dyes. I only use gluten and dairy free pasta.  We don't eat bread.  We do have chips but those too cause cancer so what the eff man and Fridays in our home are Pizza and family movie night. Pizza!!!!! I know! The nerve!  I have Honest brand soap, diapers, wipes and sunscreen.  I do what I freaking can people and now is also where I go ahead and give a MASSIVE shout out to my husband because without him working his tail off six days a week we wouldn't be able to afford half of the "organic" things we do in a family this large.  Luckily I have a husband who is supportive of doing what we can.   WE try.  But honestly I am spent.  I just want to live. But at what price.  The human in me says just live, but the Mom in me says protect them however you can. So  I read more and find out more ways that we are all killing ourselves by living and then I just want to curl in the fetal position and suck my thumb.  I mean honestly, when did things get so freaking bad.

I stumbled across an article yesterday that told me how the Pediasure that keeps the g tube out of my sons belly is horrible, absolutely horrible for him. Awesome.  Just f*%king awesome.  I, of course, read the thing in its entirety and wound up in tears.  He loves his "milkie". It has been his comfort through two of his three open heart surgeries.  I half it with water (triple filtered of course. No not really ;) each time he gets a cup, but the kid drinks at least two pediasures a day. No he will not drink a smoothie with spinach and chia seeds and strawberries and bananas. He. Just. Won't. Don't think I haven't tried.  Because I have.  This is the kid who has lived many months of his life in a hospital eating spaghetti o's and cheesy eggs and yogurt because it's all we could get in him. The hospitals don't offer chia seed smoothies.  And while I am all for chia seeds, I really am. I am also tired of being wracked with guilt because my son took in whatever he could when his body was fighting so hard just to live and now it's all food thats going to kill him.  Even his beloved pediasure.  It's chock full of shit.  Complete crap, but you know what, he loves it. He also loves not having a feeding tube in his belly even more so I am going to continue to give him his damn "milkie" because it keeps him alive. It gives him the nutrients that oftentimes he is just to tired to get from eating.  There are days he just doesn't eat because he is to goddamn exhausted from his heart working so hard, that we just snuggle in his bed with his blasted Pediasure full of chemicals so that his overworked little body can rest. I am not going to feel guilty for that.

You try telling  that face no.  That little body that has been through so much.

A huge part of  me believes our destiny is already laid out for us. All pizza or all kale. While I don't believe in smoking, doing drugs or eating crap as a full time job to speed things along I do believe that what's going to happen is going to happen regardless of what we consume on a daily basis.  I mean we all know someone who is "the healthiest person we know" and they get sick or find out they have cancer and all the "healthy" in the world didn't change that outcome.  We all also know that person who drinks and smokes and eats like crap or even does drugs and they live forever.  The human in me knows this is going to play out how it is meant to.  The Mom in me still fights to get the best that she can into her kids, but I am also going to let my kids live. I am going to let them play outside and get vitamin D and I am also going to put sunscreen on them when I do ( The huge melanoma scar on my dads neck is my reminder).  I opt for an organic brand, but if you can't afford organic then ya know what...so freaking be it.  No one should feel guilty for that.  We, as Moms, do the best we can with what we freaking have.  What truly matters is the memories you make and the love that you give.  Sure, guide them to healthy habits. You can bet your sweet ass I work hard at that with my own boys, but they will know balance too.  Just as I am learning balance in this internet crazed, information flooded society. Balance between doing what you can and leaving the rest up to the big man upstairs.  Maybe, just maybe, balance is actually the healthiest thing about being healthy. Pure speculation of course.

our balance.  avocado above, pizza crust below ;)

So cheers to the freakin' weekend my friends. Whatever you find yourselves doing, do it with love and most importantly without guilt.
Tonight I am going to order that pizza and those breadsticks, that my son hoards in his dresser drawer because he loves them so much, and I am NOT going to feel guilty.

(notice breadsticks in dresser drawer, i wasn't kidding about that)

Lets be real here people, Pizza Hut breadsticks are the shiz niz.  I get it son. I get it.  We are going to let go of the worries tonight and in its place we are going to make memories.  Memories that are going to be so good they will far outweigh the bad.

I am getting down off my soap box now.  You have no idea the anxiety I have right now that I may have caused any sort of conflict with anyone by voicing my opinion.  This is not directed at a single soul walking this planet. It's just a scared Mommy letting it all hang out. xo