a 34 year old stream of consciousness (this one's for you susan ;)

( remember stream of consciousness posts are just that....random thoughts strung together with a bit of pregnancy hormones thrown in for good measure ;)

today i celebrate 34 years of life... i feel as though i have lived double that some days..in experience, in learning and in loving.  none of which are easy.  they all three take work and experience can be the hardest because a lot of times we don't ask for the experience, it's forced upon us.  we fight it oh' do we fight it, but somehow always come out of it grateful just the same.  i had a long talk with a very near and dear friend this fine birthday morning.  she was there for austin, mason, tadem and then paxtons diagnosis, like literally right there and continues to follow us today. she just recently lost her mama. it was a long, incredibly hard battle much like paxtons and yet very different in so many ways. and yet we sat talking this morning about life. it's crystal clear clarity at times and its ever elusiveness.  how we are able to look back and feel like we never really "got" life until we were forced into experience.  how incredible the body and brain are when it's time to delve head on into that experience and endure it. we stand on the other side of our battles still reeling, her more so than me, but reeling just the same. because we don't forget. we don't forget how it can mold and change you in ways you never imagined. when you see life...hanging in the balance... you are never, ever the same.  you find so much gratitude for the hardest of times because they do give a clarity to life that those who just haven't been there can't yet see...

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i remember four years ago this day below.... paxton was to be born in 6 days....

i cannot even begin to explain all that was going through me in the moment that this picture was taken. i now see the fear grinding through the smile.  i was terrified for my unborn sons life. i was devastated to leave my boys for an unknown amount of time. i didn't know how to do "that" and i couldn't see the end....

4 years later. i remember it all so clearly as if it were moments ago...and yet to really think about it seems like a dream...

i am not the same person, woman or mom that i was in this picture.  i am far, far more than that.  i have seen heaven and i have seen hell.  i never lose sight of that. on my worst days, i find the tears are tears of anger at myself because i know.... oh lord do i know what this life is all about and i don't allow myself days to wallow.  i get angry if i wallow because i have seen suffering and today we are not suffering.  today i am a wiser person, tougher woman and more patient mom...  and as i turn 34, i give thanks for so much awesomeness in my life!  i have 3 amazing little boys who are my very reason for living.  they teach me every day how to live this life.  they are my proudest moments and they are my biggest dream come true. all i have ever wanted to be was a mommy. its innate in me. i have known since the days of playing with my dolls and until i could have my own, i took care of others children.  today i have my own and my heart couldn't be more full.  our final west baby is on his or her way. s/he is big and healthy and kicking me as i type this. there again more gratitude. i am "experiencing" this pregnancy through the eyes of the new person, woman and mom that i am since paxton came along.  his life "experiences" in his young four years are more than any adult should have to ever endure.  his experiences became mine and together we have quite the story to tell.  in a matter of weeks my heart will expand one more time and i just can't help but be filled with sentimental, bittersweet gratitude for this life i have been given.

dave loves to watch cops and i lay in bed at night and watch it with him because he's the man and it's technically his remote... i prefer happier shows, but even still i watch knowing that any one of those people could have easily been me.  we've all made mistakes, we've all been led down the wrong path, we've all been hurt and tried to deal with it in the most unhealthy way. it's that whole being human thing again.  i don't know how HE chooses, but he chose me for this life right here right now and i am eating it up.  i am savoring every delicious moment that comes my way. if the boys want to play a game, i drop everything and play a game we will.

you see that basket of laundry in the background...yah there's four more where that came from in the laundry room and my OCD stared at it and contemplated doing that "before playing" but i know that these moments with my boys are fleeting and lord knows the laundry ain't going anywhere so it sits and we play and i will never look back with regret... thank you "experience" for that...

for teaching me that nothing is more important that these moments right here... for teaching me the true meaning of birthdays and life and what really freaking matters!!

And now I am off to pick up my babies...on my birthday...just like any other old day, but it's a damn good day because I have 3 perfect boys and one on the way. I have food on the table, a car to drive, a house to live in, amazing people in my life and a little extra change for my diet coke splurges... THAT is a damn good birthday!!

mason capturing the true essence of his mom and no i was not driving whilst on my ipad we were waiting for austin to get out of occupational therapy

Live it up friends!!!! We only get this one life and as I say good bye to all that enveloped me four years ago today, I can say it from a shit ton of good experience, hard lessons and endless love.

hugs
~j