Sunday, September 22, 2013

oh hi there....

i had this dream last night, that paxton was sick.  he came out of a heart cath and the doctor told me it was bad and he would need a heart transplant "within the year" i remember the entire dream so vividly. i remember feeling so guilty because i had this new baby coming that i would be absent for as i tended to paxton in the hospital. i remember fearing for paxtons life just as i have so many times before, only those times were reality.  it was so vivid that it still rocks me if i think about it.

paxton is as healthy as an hlhs child can be...clearly....



but, i can say i do know where this inability to truly let go of the fear during this pregnancy comes from.... i guess maybe it's why i haven't written in months...i feel like it gets old to a lot of people to hear about it, so i stay silent...but those that have been there get that it never leaves you, this i know...

i  am over 8 months pregnant now.  i can't say it's been a completely easy ride.  i  have worried, a lot. i have yet to buy anything for this child.  i need to buy at the very least, a carseat, but haven't been able to bring myself. oh' don't get me wrong, i look and i dream, but the truth is i am just terrified.  my dear friend and sister threw me a baby shower a couple of weeks back and the jinxer in me kept every gift receipt just in case something goes wrong. like who does that?  who thinks like that?  i hate that about myself. i don't want to get to the end and think... why did you worry the entire time when everything is ok, but every time i start to just let myself be ok with it all being ok, i panic and freeze up. i guess i should still be in therapy for this ptsd i carry around, but i can't even get a blog post in much these days, let alone therapy.

the baby as of our last ultrasound is doing amazing.  s/he is right around 4 pounds now and is as active as ever.  everything to this point says all is well so i try my darndest to trust in that. we still do NOT know the sex.  we do have names picked out.  those, too, are being kept a secret.  i lay in bed at night and dream of doing this again.  i dream of doing this the right way...here at home, not tied to a hospital bed with wires and monitors and fear. i canNOT wait and canNOT believe how close we really are to meeting him or her.  i am going to drown myself in every second of the beautiful journey because after all, paxtons journey, while laced with deep seeded fear, was in the end, an incredibly beautiful journey as well. so however this plays out, i will take it for what it is and give thanks.  the boys are beyond excited for the baby. they say its a girl and they have also said they want it to be a girl "so we have a princess" (insert mommy's heart melting at their preciousness)

...sticking his or her tongue out. so cool to see live...

... baby is preparing already for a house full of stinky boys...



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the rest of the summer was amazing. we went back to the lake and the boys loved every memory making moment of it... they ask every other day when it will be summer again so we can go back to lake june. it's where we find our happy....







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summer did eventually end. my mason started kindergarten!!!!! my moo moo is officially a big boy.  austin is in first grade and totally rocking it out and paxie, oh paxie is in pre k 3's and LOVES it. he loves school. loves his friends, his teachers and his "girlfriend".  yep you heard that right.  he's starting young.  the boys have each met huge milestones these past few months and i couldn't be more proud.  i was at the grocery store this morning stocking up for the wolves because they NEVER stop eatinggggg and this little old lady walked by looked at my cart knowingly and said "and i bet that's just a weeks worth huh..." i said why yes, yes it is. i have three boys and they eat me out of house and home.  it was clear to me she had been there done that.  i was so struck by just how proud i was to announce that i have "3 boys at home".  for all the mayhem and wildness they bring i was glowing with pride.  each day as i watch them grow and learn and achieve things, my mommy heart continues to brim over. each one of them is a true mommy's boy and i stand in awe at the hearts ability to expand in love...



i don't have this whole life thing figured out... we have good days and bad. we have days where we lose our temper, find ourselves in heaps of tears, rejoicing in happiness or fretting with worry.  to feel all of these things is to be human.  i am human.  i am not able to say that i have waltzed through these last few months the way that i know i should have, but i can also look back and see that i trudged my way through hell and that doesn't leave a person unscarred. it's ok to not have it all figured out... to worry what tomorrow will bring so long as you can stand in the middle of this....



and know that every tear and worry and anxious moment is undoubtedly worth it... as i lay here feeling baby #4 kicking, i know that all of those tears and worries, will in the end, be worth it too...


love and hugs
~j

ps i promise to update more as we slide into home base!!

1 comment:

Freedom Hollow Farmgirl said...

So glad you checked in! Looking forward to seeing your new little lovie.

Blessings,
Suzanne

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