our hearts...

i was doing laundry today... you know carrying on in the aftermath of tragedy... listening to the news in the background as i went about.  feeling guilty, my heart hurting for all of those still rocked to their cores while i did menial, yet necessary things like grocery shop and laundry.  i have tried to write since last monday and never made it to completion because emotions overwhelmed me.  i have gone a little bat shit crazy making ADT come out to recheck every square inch of our home for safety and updating all of our pertinent information.  none of which will do any good if something is meant to happen and none of which will do any good if i am say  at a concert and someone else decides to do what they did last monday. the illusion of control, just as it is with paxton, is just that... an illusion. i hate it. God i hate it. i am such a control freak and yet the reality is i actually have very little.  i won't lie i am, just as so many of you are, terrified.  scared for my babies future. doubting bringing another little into this world that can be downright cruel and terrifying. i try every day to protect them for as long as i can from what goes on out there. i get most of my information from reading so as not to have it on tv for them to see or overhear. i turn off lion king when the dad dies right in front of simbas eyes. i still spell out d-i-e when talking in front of them.  i do sugarcoat many things to protect them from the reality of life. some people may think that is wrong and that's ok, to each his own right. as someone who saw far to much at far to young of an age i choose to raise my boys this way. i personally don't think a 5 and 6 year old needs to inundated with to much information. i let just let them be little while they can.  if something happens that requires a more in depth conversation then i will do that, but for now they rest their heads at night dreaming of monster trucks and beach days.

i know that i can't fully "protect" them from life.  it may be the single hardest part of parenting. don't think my dad and i didn't have a talk on the phone last monday night about moving to the middle of cow country in west virginia where no one knows our name.  it seemed like a mighty fine idea, but it's also not reality. as much as i would be fine with hiding from life, it would not be fair to my children. just as letting paxton live is hard for me to do, it is no different with my older boys. i want to shelter them forever, but i want them to be happy more. so i let them go...i let them live and every day that i take one more glance at this...

i pray with everything that i have that they will be ok.  it's all i can do. i have to "trust in the journey".  bad things happen to good people, of this i know.  i also know there are far more good people than bad.  i focus on that. i focus on the good and the kind.  and i try to be those things too.

my heart goes out to everyone affected by the happenings in boston last week. i think of you daily. and pray for your peace.

love and hugs
~j