in light of my last post, i would like to say thank you to the overwhelming love and support that rolled in from it. i spent a great deal of time going back and forth on whether i should write about that. in the month that i was absent from my sanctuary here, i realized there was only one reason i hadn't stopped to write... i don't come here to paint this perfect picture of my life or life in general. oh' don't get me wrong, it. is. a. crazy. freaking. beautiful. life. no. doubt. but that is not to say there aren't major roadblocks along the way and if i skirted around those road blocks and poured glitter all over them and instagram'd them then they wouldn't be the real thing now would they. (ps it should be noted that i am ALL for "thinstagram" and "hotstagram" just not in my writing)
ten years from now i want to look back on my posts when i read them and think. oh yah! yep! i remember exactly what i felt like in that moment because my words were true and not glossed over. life sucks ass sometimes. its just the gods honest truth. it sucked ass when i lived in a hospital with paxton for months on end, but, but, but i look back now on those rock bottom posts that i wrote and do a little jig because i know how i was feeling when i "uglywrote" while doing the "uglycry" and i stand on the other side of that proud! proud that i was brave enough to be honest and proud that i survived. so, when i chose to post last week i chose to post in honesty. so, thank you to those of you who reached out. who sent emails, texts and uplifting messages. you will never know how much they meant to me in a time of self doubt.
my fellow heart mom, angela emailed me this:
"Reading your honest words brought out a lot of emotion, because I can feel the pain and emotion in your words. You write what I sometimes don't have the words, or courage to put into writing (or on screen). I feel for you guys and the pain you are carrying. I freaking love your blog, I love your constant swearing, and how you strive to be genuine and honest."
and i knew i had done the right thing. for those who are on this journey with us and for me. this is hard and it doesn't come without its sacrifices and hardships.
oh' and the swearing...yah that was somehow a package deal with this journey. i became a bit of a potty mouth from all the anger and fear. as i told angela, sometimes just throwing in the damn f bomb adds the emphasis that isn't able to be heard through writing. sorry dad ; )
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so we carry on...we've been carrying on actually and i am behind on pics. my boys are truly a slice of heaven on earth. they keep me grounded and make me crazy all at the same time. sometimes around 8 o'clock at night when the house finally quiets and i silently walk around cleaning up the remnants they have left in their wake, i wonder about life without children...i can't imagine it. i know its an extremely personal decision, but to me, i don't know what else there is to life and as crazy as that day may or may not have been i find myself giving bounties of thanks.
speaking of thanks...
we had a lovely thanksgiving here and in spite of all the changes in our lives, the gratitude flowed just the same. we had feasts to attend, pilgrims to praise and a lovely homemade feast prepared by none other than meeee...oh' wait, i meant whole foods. i don't do turkeys, won't touch them, can barely look at them with their little legs all tied back. so, i paid whole food to do the honors and guess what it was freaking good AND cheaper believe it or not.
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and since i skipped a holiday in there i had to share this halloween picture...pretty priceless right...
i was asked quite a few times where "fighterman" came from and it was a name given to pax in the hospital by a friend of mine ( she's actually one of my biggest cheerleaders too) anyway, her son couldn't say spiderman correctly as a young boy and i fell in love with it when she told us the story in the hospital because well... pax pretty much is a "fighterman" and so it stuck. thank you erin for sharing.
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during my break we also had the american heart association heart walk in tampa. and my oh' my how times flies... it never ceases to amaze me how far he has come.
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ten years from now i want to look back on my posts when i read them and think. oh yah! yep! i remember exactly what i felt like in that moment because my words were true and not glossed over. life sucks ass sometimes. its just the gods honest truth. it sucked ass when i lived in a hospital with paxton for months on end, but, but, but i look back now on those rock bottom posts that i wrote and do a little jig because i know how i was feeling when i "uglywrote" while doing the "uglycry" and i stand on the other side of that proud! proud that i was brave enough to be honest and proud that i survived. so, when i chose to post last week i chose to post in honesty. so, thank you to those of you who reached out. who sent emails, texts and uplifting messages. you will never know how much they meant to me in a time of self doubt.
my fellow heart mom, angela emailed me this:
"Reading your honest words brought out a lot of emotion, because I can feel the pain and emotion in your words. You write what I sometimes don't have the words, or courage to put into writing (or on screen). I feel for you guys and the pain you are carrying. I freaking love your blog, I love your constant swearing, and how you strive to be genuine and honest."
and i knew i had done the right thing. for those who are on this journey with us and for me. this is hard and it doesn't come without its sacrifices and hardships.
oh' and the swearing...yah that was somehow a package deal with this journey. i became a bit of a potty mouth from all the anger and fear. as i told angela, sometimes just throwing in the damn f bomb adds the emphasis that isn't able to be heard through writing. sorry dad ; )
****************
so we carry on...we've been carrying on actually and i am behind on pics. my boys are truly a slice of heaven on earth. they keep me grounded and make me crazy all at the same time. sometimes around 8 o'clock at night when the house finally quiets and i silently walk around cleaning up the remnants they have left in their wake, i wonder about life without children...i can't imagine it. i know its an extremely personal decision, but to me, i don't know what else there is to life and as crazy as that day may or may not have been i find myself giving bounties of thanks.
speaking of thanks...
we had a lovely thanksgiving here and in spite of all the changes in our lives, the gratitude flowed just the same. we had feasts to attend, pilgrims to praise and a lovely homemade feast prepared by none other than meeee...oh' wait, i meant whole foods. i don't do turkeys, won't touch them, can barely look at them with their little legs all tied back. so, i paid whole food to do the honors and guess what it was freaking good AND cheaper believe it or not.
***************
and since i skipped a holiday in there i had to share this halloween picture...pretty priceless right...
i was asked quite a few times where "fighterman" came from and it was a name given to pax in the hospital by a friend of mine ( she's actually one of my biggest cheerleaders too) anyway, her son couldn't say spiderman correctly as a young boy and i fell in love with it when she told us the story in the hospital because well... pax pretty much is a "fighterman" and so it stuck. thank you erin for sharing.
****************
during my break we also had the american heart association heart walk in tampa. and my oh' my how times flies... it never ceases to amaze me how far he has come.
i think it's apparent that pax may be taller than me in no time. in the blink of an eye he went from our ringlet, chubby toddler to a tall, chatty little boy. i always get sentimental at these events because i am reminded of the gravity of the situation. there shouldn't be children at these events. there just shouldn't be and yet there are. all around and it's truly bittersweet...
but with that bittersweet comes the gift of eating it up. of knowing just how quickly it could all be taken away and i find that to be a blessing. every moment with him is that much sweeter and i find that crosses over into all the other moments of my life...
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Christmas is among us already. i can't even believe it. we've got trees up and "elfie" in da house. mommy loves him because he is fabulous bribery. we have a very, very special christmas celebration coming our way in a matter of weeks. our families know, but the suspense will have to keep until it gets a little closer. lets just say it will be like nothing our boys have ever experienced and it will be celebrating a little boys fight to live in the most magical way. oh and that "uglycry" it will be present loud and proud.
and a little sneak peek at our Christmas card.....
suits us dontcha think...
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im signing off for tonight folks. remember the reason for the season. remember what really matters. that amongst the chaos. peoples worlds are standing still as they say good bye, say hello, struggle to make ends meet and find themselves living in hospitals. be kind, for every person has a story.....
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| borrowed from facebook |
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~night all from west siiiide
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