houston...we have a situation

Paxton is ok...he is healthy...although because of his continued health that little naggy  its been to good for to long feeling has begun uh’ creepin... I have been MIA and unless you are my FB friend you were probably wondering wtf...let’s be real... it’s been months...

And this is where houston and the situation come in. In an effort to be as “real” as I have always been here in my sanctuary I will tell this the best that I know how given the circumstances. 

We have a very sick child.  No surgery at this point can fix that.  We have lived 3 excruciatingly hard years since his arrival.  As I have said before, HLHS ran us over, backed up and ran over us again. No one can prepare to dance so closely with your child and death that many times over.  But, we did.  We had no choice. And that doesn’t happen and not change a person. A family. A marriage.  

Without going into details via the internet there has been trouble in paradise shall we say. And hey lets be real, any marriage that doesn’t encounter that under these circumstances is well.... the shit in my eyes.  Because this hasn’t been easy. Can anyone really look at the boy below and say this wouldn't change everything... Not once, not twice, but three times...

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I married a mans man.  One who might as well have been living in the 50’s. He works, he provides for his family and he protects them. But, he could not protect us from HLHS.  That killed him. And when a man can’t fix something, we all know it isn’t going to be pretty.  If you want details, just swing by Naples, the mere mention of our name will get you all the juicy dets, but here in the sanctuary we will leave it at letting go.  Letting go of the last three years.  Letting go of the tremendous burden that has enveloped us in that time. Letting go of the exhaustion. Just.    letting.    it.     go.  

And sometimes to do that a person needs to step outside the box.  Into the freezing cold air... ok 62 degree air...and let it radiate the heart and lungs, clean them out so to speak.  So we’ve stepped outside the box, we are cleaning house. We are moving things around. We are reevaluating what we stand for. What matters the most.  Where we’ve been and where in the ever living hell we are going.  Tis better than to sit stagnant for the rest of our lives...wouldn’t you all agree.  No,no, we need help.  The freaking mothaload of help and “we ain’t to proud to beg”.  We’ve got peeps on all sides of us guiding and advising and moving and shifting. We’ve battended down the hatches.  Focusing only on our four corners and those that bring us good and wise.  And what a perfect time of year to do so... 

I know beyond the shadow of a doubt and so does Dave now, that this Thanksgiving and the 3 prior to this could have been far, far worse than anything we are enduring right now.  Whatever that little boy brings or leaves in his wake is a battle we are willing to take on and fight because that means he is alive.  It means HLHS didn’t win, yet, and hopefully not for a long, long time.  So we take the good with the bad. The hard with the freaking unbearable. The joy with the tears.  The knocked on your ass’s with the getting back up’s middle finger in air.  The stepping outside the box with stepping back in someday.  The letting it seep with the. lettinggggg.  it.    go.  

I have been MIA because I have been busy. So, so busy.  Living in the moment.  Waxing and waning between the truth and what society thinks we should be.  And I say fu*k society because we are who we are and we are not without faults.  Not any one of us, so guess what...it’s hard. There’s hurt. We need help.  We are seeking it.  We are not hiding behind it (well some of us are working on that part with a little help, ahem...dave ;) because either way haters gonna hate, judgers will judge, but those that truly love us will silence the gossip and wrap us in love . We will never move through this if we don’t acknowledge right where we are this very moment and all the moments forward.  So here we stand vulnerable as fu*k, but we stand in truth and hope and forgiveness.  For them....

May you all have THE MOST blessed Thanksgiving. I have spent priors in the hospital and it will move your soul.  Remember the millions who aren’t as lucky to be home gathered around the family table this year, but rather eating cafeteria food and fighting the fight.  

Much, much love to you all.  

j