Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Holy Stream Of Consiousness

This post has been a long time coming and I apologize.  My life is crazy.  I stop a lot and wonder how it got like this.  When did the pace pick up to lightening speed.  Where evenings end with me sitting on the couch "whewing!" the day away.  In all honesty I thrive on it I suppose, but I do wish there were more hours in the day. Time to stop for the things I love.  Like writing, that is easily put to the wayside when other things wait in line.
Paxton is home. We have been home for nearly two weeks now.  In that time I have been to a 13 month old HLHS babies funeral, spent many a nights crying over the unfairness of it all, run a race that led to a personal record.

 (my cousin amy, my sissy, me, my girl charity and kimmie)

I have spent time with my babies in the backyard and gotten a "hypoallergenic/dander free" puppy to accomodate Paxtons allergies yet allows the older two the dog they so desperately beg for.




Oh' life you are wild.  You are crazy.  But I love you.  I am kind of like life~wild and crazy I've been told.  I just keep going. Don't stop cause if you stop you'll have to think. So I drive here and there, run to and fro, plan this and that all to keep the pace that I sit and wonder about.  
I need to write thank you cards, need to pay bills, need to make appointments need need need.
So I stopped today. Stopped to breathe and reach out to my peeps.  To let you all know that my baby boy is home.  He is a fighter.  He said hell to the no about spending the weekend in a hospital so they released us and we came home to brothers and hung out at the park while other parents stared at the rash all over his body as if he were some contagious freak and my mama bear instinct eyed them down like a hawk.  No it's not contagious folks, he has half a heart and can barely fight the common cold so F you!
Yah sometimes I get a little touchy about it.  I get defensive. He's had enough to fight without others passing judgement on a 16 month old baby.





I want to shout to the world, have you no idea what's important!  Have you no idea how precious this life is.  It should be a rule that everybody spend time in the ICU at a Children's hospital.  Every person to grace this Earth should be required to endure that because this world would be ever so much kinder, calmer, grateful.

I have a race this weekend. I am psyched. The pavement is the only place I feel whole. Where I am doing good and right.  My girl who fights this same fight along side me will be there running it with me. This is our outlet where no judgement is passed. No expectations held. We just rock it.  We leave it in the dust behind us because we are ONE BAD MOTHER RUNNERS and if all we have is each other and our babies in the end then well, we did one thing right.

(thanks C for my car magnet, i am in love with it!)

Yah it's a crappy post. Don't have a lot of inspiration to give today. Only that I wouldn't change it for the world.  There are highs and lows to this just as with anything else in life. Sometimes word vomit helps.  Sometimes it doesn't. Today I am giving it a shot. Taking this weight on my body and throwing it onto the keys of this computer hoping for some release. Sweet release!!!

And now it's time to go walk this new puppy (cause really what I needed in life was a damn puppy, but if him sleeping in bed beside me doesn't tell you that I already love him I don't know what does) get the car cleaned, pick up the boys, haircuts, lunch, naps, somewhere in there workout, play outside, dinner baths, bed and a big fat "whew!" at the end of it all.
And when I am old and gray I will still be doing the same thing. I know without a doubt I will still live life at lightening speed.  It's how I am. It's in my blood (thanks Dad ;)


Some days I wish for a slower pace, but mostly I just wish for peace in my heart.  Peace so that I am able to allow myself slower days where thinking isn't avoided.  Where memories can filter in and out without hurt or sadness or fear surrounding them.  I'll get there.  One day at a time.  


Love
~J

2 comments:

cici said...

I've missed you!
Is that your daddy? What a handsome guy.
I'm not sure why this post brought me to tears, but I think it was imagining people looking at Paxton's rash and thinking the wrong things.
I think it was seeing myself in you when I was younger and all the deep pain and worry being felt, and sometimes feeling so alone.
I spent many days with what ifs and if only, I wasted many hours doing that. I am glad you are keeping busy and have found your passion. When you are too busy rest assured I will be Praying for you and your boys.
Life IS beautiful and so are you :)

Anonymous said...

A reader in NY misses you and hopes that all is well with your precious family.

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