The Wild Wild Wests

So since I've been living in a hotel room this week and desperately missing my other two boys.  I decided to go through my camera of not downloaded pictures, which is always a lot, and take a looksee at my other loves. Have I mentioned how gorgeous they are, just sayin! Yah, they're all mine and man am I proud! I also swore when I became a mother to boys that "mine" would never, ever play with guns, water or otherwise. Well, as you can see that rule went to hell in a handbasket.  I also swore they would never eat french fries out of fear they would become as addicted as I am, likewise, I realize I broke that rule to when I found myself saying "No, we do not eat french fries for breakfast." Never say never this I know. Now. The boys are doing good in my absence. It seems this crazy year has taught us all a lot, including how to cope without Mom.  Not sure who this was harder for...them or me ; ) I see now that these times apart from the older two ...

Last night at this time we were just arriving here in Tampa.  Paxton and I together, just the two of us.  Today we spent the greater part of the morning into early afternoon in the hospital while he has a CT under anesthesia.  The nurse said and I quote, " I was prepared for this to be the hardest case of my day and he was the easiest." HLHS always puts the staff on high alert, but Paxton as usual did amazing.  He went 11 hours with no food and handled it like the trooper he is. While he sucked on his paci so hard he had a red ring around his mouth, he barely said boo. I got to be with him today while they masked him down.  That means they put a mask on his face with nitrous in it to put him under and then they place an i.v. His veins are pretty shot at this point so they always mask him down instead of trying to poke him while awake and crying.  I held him on the catscan table while the anesthesiologist held the mask over his face. He was crying what soun...

After nearly nine months and a lifetime of wisdom, I have finally written Paxtons birth story. Oh this journey. So scary and yet so divine.  Grab a cup of Joe, cozy up on the couch and read about our little mans entrance into the world.   ************************ A t 33 weeks, I went in for a routine ultrasound to see if my cervix had thinned at all. I was notorious for early labor and this was just a quick peek to be sure I hadn't changed. I jumped up on the table oblivious as all get out thanking the ultrasound tech for the complimentary 4 D peek we had just received of our baby the week prior.   She began scanning la ti da when all of a sudden she stopped on the heart and stayed for far to long without saying anything. I asked her if she saw something.  My heart was racing before the words ever came out. Sometimes you just know.  She said now let me look.  I laid my head back down, already hyperventilating.  It was then she said that she s...

UPDATE: Should any of us EVER feel like we are having a bad day, may we bite our tongues. I am in a heap of tears, trying to understand... http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/elliepotvin   Go. Go now and hug on those you love because as I wrote below, before I ever learned Ellies story, you just never, ever know... May God hold little Ellie in the palm of his hand as she finishes her journey home.... So I'm not going to lie.  Not feeling so good today and I wonder if it's that I am truly sick or if its the stress that I have been harboring lately rearing it's ugly head.  Ever since I returned from Costa Rica I have had this overwhelming inclination that something is going to happen to Paxton.  Every ounce of me says hold him just a little longer, rock him to sleep instead of letting him put himself to sleep, carry him wherever I go and balance him on my hip while pouring orange juice just to not have to put him down.  I sat on the couch at the end o...

For as long as I can remember I have always wanted to be a Mama. It was my mission in life, my purpose, and I spent my days trying to find the man that would be the right person to make that happen.  I got luckier than I could have ever dreamed. I remember when I told him I was pregnant for the first time.  I gave him a gift wrapped bib that said,   I've got the best Daddy. We hugged, cried and danced circles in the kitchen.  Round and round full of surprise and excitement. He was so proud of me while I was pregnant. He would rub my belly and talk to the baby.  It made me fall in love with him all over again.  When the big day finally came, seeing him sob like he did at the sight of his son made me realize that he wanted a family just as much as I always had. Masons birth was no different! His heart opened that much more to let the love in for his second son! Then we lost our third baby and while that was what we thought was our biggest hurd...

Sometimes in life God steps in and gives you just what you need.  We have had a hell of a year and for the moment we stand on the other side of it.  This weekend my husband and I stood on top of a mountain and proclaimed our victory.  We made it through what has been the hardest year ever. We are stronger, ever so much wiser and quite frankly pretty darn proud.  Did we have some hiccups along the way, heck yah, but were it not for those, we couldn't stand as tall knowing we pushed on through them.  We sat high in the mountains overlooking the ocean and sang our praise.  For all those days lying on the floor begging for mercy, my throat so swollen with fear and tears that I couldn't talk; we were given 5 solid days of relief.  I remember stopping once and looking over at Dave saying "this here...it's heaven honey" as we gazed out watching the rain fall upon the rainforest with the Pacific ocean as its background.  If I close my eyes I can feel the...