Friday, July 24, 2009

Gods Plan

I have many things weighing heavy on my heart tonight.

For starters, loss has hit close to home and my heart aches for someone our family holds very dear. There is never an easy way to say good bye, this I know.

I am also constantly being reminded that my plans are not Gods plans. That all of the (mostly) organic, chemical free ways our family lives are not the be all end all. He is! Gods plans for our family were laid out long, long ago and while I may beg of them to change, it is his decision. When I lost Tadem and laid on the table screaming for my baby back, he knew that was to come and he also knew I would be ok. I am ok and I know that whatever lies ahead for us, for my children and for my family, however easy or hard he chooses to make it, we will be ok. I must learn to let go a little, to hand over the reigns and trust in that. We are not perfect, no one is perfect and we have all had to go through trials and tribulations in life that we would rather not have to endure, but ultimately that makes us who we are. So while I have had a rough day or two, I must see through the tears to the clarity that is my life RIGHT NOW and not worry today away thinking to far ahead. I am blessed in this life. I am blessed with my unvelieveably perfect boys in bed in the next room, their laughter and smiles remind me of that every day. I am blessed to feel this baby kicking in my belly as I write this tonight. I have a husband who will lay with me when I am most unloveable and love me anyway. There is food on the table and a roof over our heads. What more is there...
I have been promising a belly picture for some time now and since I am taking a moment tonight to reflect on my blessings in spite of my heavy heart, I thought I would share how much I have grown. I am 27 weeks, nearly 7 months pregnant! I cannot even believe it! I am beginning to prepare. To dream of when I meet him or her. To envision life with another little one and I love it. My belly button has popped, I can barely see my feet anymore, I cannot stop eating and I have the most active, feisty baby in my belly to date. I am convinced it's a girl. A high strung girl just like her Ma Ma. She moves and kicks about non stop and I am so grateful for that. I feel it is Gods way of letting me know that the baby is ok so that I can continue on with life while s/he grows, instead of fretting the days away with worry. Yet another blessing. Both boys were due in October as is this baby, but both boys came in September so I plan on being all ready by September. I have a lot to do yet, as I have procrastinated out of fear that something might happen again, but I think that it is time to get the ball rolling. I must get things in order for this baby by the end of August and then the boys birthday party beginning of September. After that, it's let the chaos begin!!!! Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers for a healthy baby and safe delivery.

(p.s. I do wash my clothes, the crap on the side of pants is water because I had just finished dishes. There's a shocker =)

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