The Wild Wild Wests

a lot of you have already heard the news...so if you aren't up for more gratitude, relief and baby talk i suggest you move along ;)  it's been a long 22 weeks.  a long 22 weeks of worrying, panicking, second guessing, flashbacking and crying.  today, however, there were a different kind of tears... today i feel like everything just might be all right.  i can still hear the devil on my shoulder whispering don't get to excited or you'll jinx yourself, but i try to push him away and remember that its a proven fact that thinking positive is better for you and provides better results. we had our perinatologist visit today. we got to see our baby up close and personal and i mean every vessel, vein, ductus, aorta, archway, valve and chamber there was to see. let me tell you all the ways i have never been so happy to see four, YES FOUR, little chambers.  time stopped for a moment as i laid down on that table. i remember nearly four years ago like it was minute...

you guys....it's started. shit is getting all kinds of drudged up.  we all know pregnancy can make for some crazy dreams, but these nightmares that are creeping in every night are horrid. paxton. it's all paxton. he codes. he dies. i can't wake him up. he's completely purple as i run him into an ER. he goes completely stiff in my arms.  they rock me to my core.  i think i have spent the last week in a heap of tears because i don't know how many more of these i can take.  paxton is of course, beautiful and perfect and as healthy as they come for a kid with half a heart. he's OK and i have to tell myself that over and over lately.  sometimes my husband has to grab my face and tell me he isn't going to die because i can't breathe through the tears.  and to top it all off i can't self medicate ; ) for the most part i am doing ok with this pregnancy thing again, quite frankly i don't have time to be anything but ok. i have three wild, and by wild i do...