Thursday, October 27, 2011

Holy Halloween Batman (pun intended...)


 Oh hey there...

Bet ya'll forgot about me... I don't blame you.  Not sure why I have refused to sit down and write lately. My heart has been kind of full, heavy, overflowing if you will. It happens I suppose, but it doesn't allow for good writing.  No one wants to read the hard stuff.  The injured and unable to run Chicago marathon which was my goal for like ever now that was probably a blessing in disguise because I am not sure Chicago is a good place to step foot, now or maybe ever stuff.  The not sleeping, constant worry, gearing up for Fontan surgery stuff.  The memory lane, song sends you over the edge, just don't understand stuff.  Yah' that's the stuff you shove down, push away, avoid at all costs because it hurts stuff.  So I grab my rather large box of band aids and cover it all up with quiet birthdays at home, wild birthdays out with friends, spooning with my babies, afternoons at the zoo, tractor riding, pumpkin patching, nemo and batman pimpin' par-tays!   The neosporin for the heart is seeing my babies happy.  Good salve right there...their love is strong enough.

This below heals, and in a lot of ways is the only smidge of understanding in all that I doubt... It's our kids.  For our kids.  


Quiet parties at home.  Sunset in the background. Gorgeous baby who has overcome mountains.  Who lives to see another year, oh hell yah!  Half a heart whaaaa?



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Then there's some cheers to the freak~in weekend~ and I'll drink to that....

Happy Birthday to me from my peeps....







And we start out like so:




And up like this....




Yup that's hot stuff right there and I post because this is sooo us.

Also, there should be zero doubt where my son got his ginormous mouth.  The proof is in the puddin eh'



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Ahem...
In other news:

Did I mention we are gearing up for Halloween around here. Holy festivities! We started with the pumpkin patch...








pax was all like um mom you forgot meeee

and i was all like full blown standing on my head trying to get all three kids to smile, you see where that got me...




 Next up:

The Philharmonic for some face painting, trick or treating fun.




Costume contest... Nemo won. Duh!

Cause really who can beat that gorgeous angel face...just sayin ; )



Add on a little Fall Festival at the boys school:

superrr proud of my cautious boy for riding that horse like he owned it

not sure why I am all what up yo' in this pic...

And we top off this sundae with class party after class party:

big brother lending some support on the playground

as per usual, he rallies


Batmans turn:



Austins will follow on Monday morning after which I will have returned at 1 am from South Carolina.  Godson is getting baptized this weekend so I will be leavin on a jet plane tomorrow.  Holla!

I would say that's probably enough Halloween.  Until Monday. Meeting adjourned.

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That right there is my Daddy.  Oh yah!  He SO has it like that, ranked top 20 in the...wait for it... nation! 
SO stinkin proud and for a man that raised his daughter as a single dad, survived a heart attack at 39, was told he would never run again, but so still does and gets up at 4 am 6 days a week to train his team, I would say he most definitely deserves this honor!  Love you "Morester" Dad!

best smile everrr!

And when we aren't winning costume contests and partyin like rockstars, we lay low and snuggle up by the light of the moon for story time.  We search for the stars with our "noculars". We ride tractors and wear rain boots to the grocery store.




and yes he actually drives the tractor. alone.  at 2.  cause we are country bumpkins like that.



Time together.  Listening to them squabble, tattle, belly laugh, console and play with each other is truly what makes me whole.  When my mind wanders off I go to my phone and play a video of them.  Or wander across the house and sneak in for an extra kiss.  There isn't a song in the world that could truly portray me.  The feelings.  The hardship.  The fight.  The loss.  The love.  It is all so intertwined there is no unraveling it, ever.  So I keep applying that salve when I need it knowing that these are the days and that we are all under the same stars.  For all I don't understand there is so much that I do and I go to what I do know, trust in that and trust in this journey.

thank you morgan for this reminder....love you

Happy Halloween my peeps!

I am peacing out to South Carolina. Bring on the cold!

Hugs,
J


Thank you I'm gonna miss you...



Friday, October 7, 2011

The Silver Freaking Lining Peeps

My birthday...?

Yesss, about that.  It was heavenly.  I want to be there again right now. I am pretty sure that's how the rich and famous do it and I am pretty sure the hubs had a full blown heart attack when he saw the bill.  He went all out cause he's amazing like that.  It looked a little like this:





And this:






Heavenly right...It was over all to soon.  The cool thing about things like that being over quickly is I always get to come home to this:




It's like a party every time we return from anywhere.  They make me feel like the coolest, most needed person in the world and that in and of itself feels heavenly.

horrible picture, sheer joy



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I have been a little emotional this week (shocking, I know) and I have come to the realization that I am just not ready for my baby to not be a baby anymore.  Paxton David will be turning two on Saturday.  My life two years ago today was that of sheer terror.  I was 9 months pregnant and scared to death that he would die.  I was packing my life up for what would be two months to stay with him away from my family.  I had no idea of the journey that lie ahead for me.  I have said a million times and I will say it again, I cannot wrap my head around it all.  It feels like yesterday and it feels like an eternity ago. It's been a whirlwind of a couple years and I am just now finally starting to fall back into place.  The fog has lifted and I am at peace with it all.  At peace with the fact that this journey will never be over, at peace that we will always live the "hospital life", at peace with special needs.   So many people tell me how strong I am and I always think...what choice do I have.  What choice did I have.  There was no option to not be.  He had no choice, but to sit in that isolette for two damn months and go through more pokes, pricks, surgeries and tests than anyone should ever have to in a lifetime.  I got that baby to nurse though which is almost unheard of.  I got him home and can remember being so terrified at having to do it alone without nurses.  He was SO fragile prior to his second open heart. He couldn't cry. He was on a monitor 24 hours a day. I didn't sleep for six months straight because of that thing.  The stress level for the first six months of his life was absolutely insane which would be why I was diagnosed with PTSD.  Holy hell! 




Which leads me to my all time favorite quote:  
you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.   

There I go again with diarrhea of the mouth.  Guess I needed to vent.  I am spending so much of this week reliving it all.  Why do women have to remember everythingggg?

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Moving on....

Paxton started school.  




Did y'all catch that?  I cut the cord...(a little) Little man has been begging and by begging I mean temper tantrum, screaming, kicking, throwdowns every time we drop or pick the boys up from school.  I carry him out sideways on my hip screaming at the top of his lungs like a little girl every. single. day.  So I put him on a wait list at the boys new school, which by the way should show you just how much I adore this new school.  Well a spot became available a little sooner than I anticipated and we took it.  He goes two days a week. Yesterday was his first day and let me tell you how much the kid loved it.  I walked him into class and he went right to it.  I cried like a little baby leaving my baby and had to be escorted out by my Beth who continues clear the path for me.  I called to check on him and I was some kind of cranky all day, but in the end upon picking him up I realized how happy he was which made me happy.  He wants to be a big kid.  He wants to be like his brothers. He wants to be allowed to live his life and no matter how hard it is for me, I will let him do that.  He deserves at the very least, that.  As for his teacher...well there couldn't be a better fit if I hand picked her myself.  She's that good. I was sooo scared that his teacher would be to afraid to take him on with his special needs, but she accepted him with open arms.  There was definitely a higher power in us finding this school and these teachers who are perfect, and I mean perfect, matches for my boys.  Austin, my golden boy Austin has flourished in a way I didn't know was possible in a mere month there.  Every day I expect a report like I was getting at his old school about how he couldn't focus, pay attention or sit still and every day I get a wave of the hand, a shrug of the shoulders and "puh he was great!" and every day I am in awe of the personality that has emerged from this once ultra shy, reserved boy.  Thank you God for this most priceless gift.  



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It's cooling off around here. Finallyyyy.  The humidity has lifted, the sweltering heat has passed and I no longer drip sweat just loading the boys into their seats.  I want to sleep in the grass and get drunk on the fresh air.  No joke. Or if I could be here~  (right now getting drunk on fresh air, that'd be pretty cool too, but since that won't be happening, a screen saver it is ; )




Seriously though, when you live in Florida. South Florida no less, it's like winning the lottery once it finally starts to cool off and you can actually enjoy being outside.  Halloween is right around the corner and I have two little boys who are trying ever so hard to wait patiently for it and every day their desired costume changes.  So far we have a fireman, a superhero, batman, power ranger, a bat and the latest,
 "a monster so I can scare everyone".   They take our light up ghost into their room, turn the lights off, cover themselves with their blankets and "woo wooo" noises can be heard down the street.  Time and again I wonder what they would do without each other.  Even Mason, the middle child who tends to beat up on Paxton (who takes no crap by the way)  loves him and told his teacher yesterday that he couldn't be in her class anymore because he had to go be with his baby brother.  Priceless stuff right there.  

I am going to sign off for today.  Paxtons birthday letter will follow shortly. That will be a toughie for sure, but as is this journey, in the end it's worth the struggle because there is this:



Learn from him peeps.  This boy is the epitome of happy.  Every day he teaches me to find the silver freaking lining!





Love and hugs~
J

PS I used to do a life with boys post quite often prior to Pax.  I think I will get back on that because these boys say the darndest things.  Will make you pee yourself...



Austin:  " Mason why do you toot everyday?" And good lord does he. 

Mason:  " why are you old?" to the cleaning lady. Oh dear...

Mason:  " is that big girl going to eat us?"  while getting breakfast one morning.  Gahhh!

Mason (again) : "can you take me to get some Starbucks?"  yah ok...

Austin: "we won't do it again!"  LIAR ; )

Mason:  "DAMAGED!" meaning dammit.  Ah, happens to the best of us.

Mason: "Mommy I told you three times to get me some daddy juice!"  You better check yourself son.

              Yep~ Mason is my wild child if you couldn't tell ; )  Makes me scream and laugh all at the same time.

check out my hat 'yo'

photo courtesy of nanny max.  she may sue if i don't give her the credit for this.  happy now max?


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