Monday, April 22, 2013

our hearts...

i was doing laundry today... you know carrying on in the aftermath of tragedy... listening to the news in the background as i went about.  feeling guilty, my heart hurting for all of those still rocked to their cores while i did menial, yet necessary things like grocery shop and laundry.  i have tried to write since last monday and never made it to completion because emotions overwhelmed me.  i have gone a little bat shit crazy making ADT come out to recheck every square inch of our home for safety and updating all of our pertinent information.  none of which will do any good if something is meant to happen and none of which will do any good if i am say  at a concert and someone else decides to do what they did last monday. the illusion of control, just as it is with paxton, is just that... an illusion. i hate it. God i hate it. i am such a control freak and yet the reality is i actually have very little.  i won't lie i am, just as so many of you are, terrified.  scared for my babies future. doubting bringing another little into this world that can be downright cruel and terrifying. i try every day to protect them for as long as i can from what goes on out there. i get most of my information from reading so as not to have it on tv for them to see or overhear. i turn off lion king when the dad dies right in front of simbas eyes. i still spell out d-i-e when talking in front of them.  i do sugarcoat many things to protect them from the reality of life. some people may think that is wrong and that's ok, to each his own right. as someone who saw far to much at far to young of an age i choose to raise my boys this way. i personally don't think a 5 and 6 year old needs to inundated with to much information. i let just let them be little while they can.  if something happens that requires a more in depth conversation then i will do that, but for now they rest their heads at night dreaming of monster trucks and beach days.

i know that i can't fully "protect" them from life.  it may be the single hardest part of parenting. don't think my dad and i didn't have a talk on the phone last monday night about moving to the middle of cow country in west virginia where no one knows our name.  it seemed like a mighty fine idea, but it's also not reality. as much as i would be fine with hiding from life, it would not be fair to my children. just as letting paxton live is hard for me to do, it is no different with my older boys. i want to shelter them forever, but i want them to be happy more. so i let them go...i let them live and every day that i take one more glance at this...

i pray with everything that i have that they will be ok.  it's all i can do. i have to "trust in the journey".  bad things happen to good people, of this i know.  i also know there are far more good people than bad.  i focus on that. i focus on the good and the kind.  and i try to be those things too.

my heart goes out to everyone affected by the happenings in boston last week. i think of you daily. and pray for your peace.

love and hugs

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

you're gonna want to read this...

i wrote this post several months back.  today we stand on the other side of it.  NASA did some repair work.  went where no man has gone before and we can now add another been there, conquered that to our ever growing list in the recent years. sure doesn't mean we are done fighting the good fight because the work relationships require never ceases.  especially those that have been where we have.  but life knows what it's doing sometimes. i have learned this before and still manage to forget. but... in the words of the byrds there is always:

A time to build up, a time to break down
A time to dance, a time to mourn

A time to cast away stones
A time to gather stones together

To everything - turn, turn, turn
There is a season - turn, turn, turn
And a time for every purpose under heaven

A time of war, a time of peace
A time of love, a time of hate
A time you may embrace
A time to refrain from embracing

To everything - turn, turn, turn
There is a season - turn, turn, turn
And a time for every purpose under heaven

A time to gain, a time to lose
A time to rend, a time to sew
A time to love, a time to hate
A time of peace, I swear it's not too late!

oh is good like that. it knows exactly what it is doing even when we are swarming with doubt.  and i swarm. daily. sometimes hourly. but then i stop... and i look at what i have been given and i don't doubt anymore even if it is only for a few moments. it is in those moments that i know, i just know that no matter how our cards play out that it will be ok...

" everything will be okay in the end and if its not okay... it's not the end." ~john lennon

i believe this. i really do.  for all the doubts i have i do believe this. which leads me to my next topic...

it seems the universe finds me fit to raise four children. 

yes! you read that correctly. i am pregnant.

no, we did not plan this. life planned this.  i have been waxing and waning between sheer joy and sheer terror.  not because i don't think i can handle another baby. babies are easy and whats one more body to change and feed at this point.  i've got it down to a science really. it's that i have seen to much.  i know to much.  i miss the oblivious days of pregnancy with austin. he was my first. i hadn't second trimester miscarried yet, i hadn't delivered a baby with half of a heart. lived in a hospital with him and watched him cling to life.  i hadn't yet ever dropped to my knees in a desperation i can never describe begging god to save my baby.  i hadn't stood in a hospital doorway watching nurses and doctors run with the code cart to try and save another baby fighting for its life.  i hadn't sat bedside with my own child while the one beside him was only alive because ECMO was allowing that to happen. i have been exposed.  we all are to some degree i suppose, but unless you have spent time there i don't know that anyone can truly grasp it.  i have said before, i think it should be a requirement that every person spend time in a childrens hospital. i guarantee you it would be a much softer world. 

and yet for all of the fear that comes from seeing to much comes the very opposite. this will be different than any of the boys. i am changed in ways i never would have asked for and ways i wouldn't trade for anything. this baby...oh how s/he will be cherished. every little moment will be cherished plain and simple. i pray with all that i have that our baby will be healthy. i pray for middle of the night feedings with no feed pumps and heart/oxygen monitors. i pray i can nurse in bed and snuggle in the morning. i pray that i will be blessed to know what it is like to bring home a baby as the new person paxton made me into.  

and for the record...should this baby have special needs i will embrace that with everything i have just the same.

i never thought i would do this again, but here i am two months pregnant.  we have seen the heartbeat. s/he is alive and well at this point. the few people that know have wrapped me in love and support. they wash away my worries and for that i am so very thankful. i know i will have ups and downs as i travel this pregnancy path again, but i know i will be okay because it's not the's just the beginning.

i can't wait to add one more to this trio...

much love

ps~ no we will not be finding out the sex just as we chose not to with austin, mason (or pax until we found out he was sick at 32 weeks) please join us in praying for this baby!

My Peeps