Sunday, December 9, 2012

"real life"

i was driving down the road the other day after having dropped off two sets of kids only to return a couple hours later to pick up said kids thinking holy hell i am a serious taxi driver at the moment... my mind then wandered back to this day in the hospital...my friend was sitting beside me, this friend is the friend...you know the one that is always there. silent and f ing strong even though she may not be on the inside.  her name is morgan and i am willing to bet she has stayed with me at the hospital every. single. solitary. time that paxton has.  it started off a bit rocky when the sight of him at one week old post open heart surgery had her woozy, but from then on she was never not there for that boy or me for that matter.... anyway on one of the many stays i was crying to her that " i just want to get back to real life." she looked at me in her calm, quiet way and said "jen, this is real life..."

i will never forget those words, because what i hadn't stopped to realize is she was right, i was living real life.  sometimes real life involves being a taxi driver 5 days a week and others it involves standing vigil by your sons side in the hospital, but one or the other doesn't have more "real life" to it and if there had to be one that did, lets be honest, it would be the latter. it took me awhile to realize that real life isn't a place to be or get to.  "real life" is wherever you are in the present moment.  what i needed to learn was to BE in the present moment.  this is a work in progress, maybe it is for all of us, but i have to reign myself in and just beeee. not think about tomorrow or next week or when paxtons heart will fail or worry that i will be alive long enough to see my boys grow up, but rather just be...here...now.

 it's not easy, of this i know. i am worrier by nature and if i have learned anything from paxtons journey it's that i don't control shit.  i can live under the illusion that i can control things, but it is just that...an illusion and the control freak in me will never win. my house is spotless because that i can control, but beyond that i am screwed... i remind myself daily, sometimes hourly, that i can enjoy today or waste it worrying about tomorrow.  in truth, i waste a lot of time worrying about tomorrow, but i am not perfect and i am learning and trying and growing and isn't that all one can ask of themselves. so while "real life" might be a lot of different things to different people i think i have figured out what mine is...  and i have figured out that my real life isn't the life i asked for sometimes, but it's mine and if i allow myself to be present in it, i can choose to grow from it... just like paxton being sick wasn't the real life i envisioned, but it is very real and it too, is mine and once i learned to be present in it.... i learned paxton being sick was one hell of a blessing in disguise.

...his concentration slays me...

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this time of year gets people all hot and bothered and that pisses me off because aren't the holidays supposed to rally folks together.  come on people...don't make me run the streets on my goddamn soap box.  and trust me i have SO done it...this one time...at publix... it was just after paxton and i had returned from an all to long hospital stay... and my big mouth couldn't stay shut one more iota of a second...lets just say she will never complain in the deli line again... honestly the deli...when "real life" is happening...

and its happening for each and every one of us if we allow ourselves to honor it...

...thank you morgs, ten years my junior, for teaching me the most valuable lesson of all on this journey, "jen, this is real life"

i love you, nugget loves you.



and here's where i say peace out, see you on the flip side, holla atcha, deuces...nyquil calls my name... and yes i still take it to sleep...don't judge me...it's all i medicate myself with...that and champagne...lots and lots of champagne ; )

~night all from west siiiide


ps~

only in florida on 12/9 will you see this....




Tuesday, December 4, 2012

in light of my last post, i would like to say thank you to the overwhelming love and support that rolled in from it. i spent a great deal of time going back and forth on whether i should write about that. in the month that i was absent from my sanctuary here, i realized there was only one reason i hadn't stopped to write... i don't come here to paint this perfect picture of my life or life in general.  oh' don't get me wrong, it. is. a. crazy. freaking. beautiful. life. no. doubt. but that is not to say there aren't major roadblocks along the way and if i skirted around those road blocks and poured glitter all over them and instagram'd them then they wouldn't be the real thing now would they.  (ps it should be noted that i am ALL for "thinstagram" and "hotstagram" just not in my writing)
ten years from now i want to look back on my posts when i read them and think. oh yah! yep! i remember exactly what i felt like in that moment because my words were true and not glossed over.  life sucks ass sometimes. its just the gods honest truth.  it sucked ass when i lived in a hospital with paxton for months on end, but, but, but i look back now on those rock bottom posts that i wrote and do a little jig because i know how i was feeling when i "uglywrote" while doing the "uglycry" and i stand on the other side of that proud! proud that i was brave enough to be honest and proud that i survived.  so, when i chose to post last week i chose to post in honesty.  so, thank you to those of you who reached out.  who sent emails, texts and uplifting messages. you will never know how much they meant to me in a time of self doubt.

my fellow heart mom, angela emailed me this:

"Reading your honest words brought out a lot of emotion, because I can feel the pain and emotion in your words.  You write what I sometimes don't have the words, or courage to put into writing (or on screen).  I feel for you guys and the pain you are carrying.  I freaking love your blog, I love your constant swearing, and how you strive to be genuine and honest."

and i knew i had done the right thing.  for those who are on this journey with us and for me. this is hard and it doesn't come without its sacrifices and hardships.  



oh' and the swearing...yah that was somehow a package deal with this journey. i became a bit of a potty mouth from all the anger and fear. as i told angela,  sometimes just throwing in the damn f bomb adds the emphasis that isn't able to be heard through writing.  sorry dad ; )

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so we carry on...we've been carrying on actually and i am behind on pics. my boys are truly a slice of heaven on earth.  they keep me grounded and make me crazy all at the same time. sometimes around 8 o'clock at night when the house finally quiets and i silently walk around cleaning up the remnants they have left in their wake, i wonder about life without children...i can't imagine it. i know its an extremely personal decision, but to me, i don't know what else there is to life and as crazy as that day may or may not have been i find myself giving bounties of thanks. 

speaking of thanks...




we had a lovely thanksgiving here and in spite of all the changes in our lives, the gratitude flowed just the same.  we had feasts to attend, pilgrims to praise and a lovely homemade feast prepared by none other than meeee...oh' wait, i meant whole foods.  i don't do turkeys, won't touch them, can barely look at them with their little legs all tied back.  so, i paid whole food to do the honors and guess what it was freaking good AND cheaper believe it or not.

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and since i skipped a holiday in there i had to share this halloween picture...pretty priceless right...


i was asked quite a few times where "fighterman" came from and it was a name given to pax in the hospital by a friend of mine ( she's actually one of my biggest cheerleaders too) anyway, her son couldn't say spiderman correctly as a young boy and i fell in love with it when she told us the story in the hospital because well... pax pretty much is a "fighterman" and so it stuck. thank you erin for sharing.

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during my break we also had the american heart association heart walk in tampa. and my oh' my how times flies... it never ceases to amaze me how far he has come.



i think it's apparent that pax may be taller than me in no time.  in the blink of an eye he went from our ringlet, chubby toddler to a tall, chatty little boy.  i always get sentimental at these events because i am reminded of the gravity of the situation. there shouldn't be children at these events. there just shouldn't be and yet there are. all around and it's truly bittersweet...


but with that bittersweet comes the gift of eating it up. of knowing just how quickly it could all be taken away and i find that to be a blessing.  every moment with him is that much sweeter and i find that crosses over into all the other moments of my life...


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Christmas is among us already. i can't even believe it.  we've got trees up and "elfie" in da house.  mommy loves him because he is fabulous bribery. we have a very, very special christmas celebration coming our way in a matter of weeks. our families know, but the suspense will have to keep until it gets a little closer.  lets just say it will be like nothing our boys have ever experienced and it will be celebrating a little boys fight to live in the most magical way.  oh and that "uglycry" it will be present loud and proud.




and a little sneak peek at our Christmas card.....


suits us  dontcha think...

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im signing off for tonight folks. remember the reason for the season. remember what really matters. that amongst the chaos. peoples worlds are standing still as they say good bye, say hello, struggle to make ends meet and find themselves living in hospitals.  be kind, for every person has a story.....

borrowed from facebook

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~night all from west siiiide






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