The Wild Wild Wests

We all know that when we go through something hard and ugly, scary and desperate that it changes us.  It opens our eyes, makes us appreciate things in a new way.  I had a sick baby. I spent a lot of time in a hospital with him. I watched him fight for his life.  Then I had another baby. A healthy one. I knew things would be different with him in that I would be experiencing it all in a whole new light .  What I did not know is just how deeply that would run. My baby is one today.  It has hit me in such a profound way.  This past year has been a bit surreal.  Sure there were days where I lost it and couldn’t keep my head above water, but I never let it last for long.  Mostly though, all of this past year was mother f ing incredible.  The middle of the night feeds. The sheer exhaustion. The nursing round the clock. The still nursing one year later.  The joy my boys all have for each other. The way any on...

This month. It never gets easier for me. You’d think it would man, but it doesn’t.  Five years ago this time I was doing the best I could to prepare myself for a journey I knew nothing about.  I was praying fervently for my sons life as he continued to grow this last week in my belly. I  was fu*@ing terrified.  I can say that word because well...because there is really no other way to describe it.   My unborn baby, with HLHS.  It was all about to unfold in a matter of days.... as my 30th birthday came and went 6 days before his scheduled arrival, I wished harder than I had ever wished when I blew out that candle.   I feel like 5 years in.  3 open heart surgeries, who knows how many hospital stays, ambulance rides, caths, needle pokes, echo’s and ekg’s in that I would be desensitized to this month, but I am not.   October. October 8, 2009.  My life would forever change. The person that I thought I was, was no l...

For those of you who know me, you know that I don't stand on my soap box very often. I avoid conflict at all costs. I will agree with someone whether I actually believe in what they are talking about or not just to avoid confrontation. I keep my thoughts to myself unless asked otherwise and I stay pretty even keel unless of course you mess with my kids to which you will immediately see a side me of that has the potential to wind me up in jail.  I think most mothers can agree on that. It's just that as if I didn't have enough 'stress' in my life day to day just being a mom and a mom to a boy with HLHS, but its gotten to the point that I can't even feed my kids without the threat of killing them, giving them cancer or causing a behavioral issue.  No dyes, no pesticides, no meat, no pasta,  no bread, no fruit or veggies that aren't organic and heaven forbid they drink anything but triple filtered water.  Don't stand in front of the microwave. Don...

rainbow baby. it's the birth of a baby after the loss of one.  a rainbow after the storm per se.  i think there should also be a name for the birth of a baby after having one with special needs.  i say that because there was nothing that could prepare me for the emotion that i would feel when i laid eyes on my healthy baby this go round. it is no secret that i worried myself to pieces throughout this pregnancy. the high blood pressure and migraines were the proof in the pudding. it was, i suppose, inevitable after the last four years. no matter the tests or various ultrasounds i would not rest until i laid my physical eyes on this baby.   as i neared the end of my pregnancy, my blood pressure rose and stayed there.  the migraines increased in frequency and as fate would have it all THREE of my little guys got sick with the flu at once. this would be the first time all of them were man down at the very same time. one typically follows suit, but never at t...

You know when you finally just say...aww F it. No one cares anyway.  As each day passes and I haven't written I do the typical...tomorrow I will write. Tomorrow IS the day.  The day comes and I  put it off again only to realize here we are months later with no new post. AGAIN. Sort of like exercising.  Only I have started exercising.  So far...not so good but I am out there doin' the work.  Now as you all know running is in my blood and the minute I put those headphones on and start to jog (and it is certainly a "jog")  it's like my body goes into auto pilot, very slowwwwwww auto pilot I assure you, but I come alive.  Sweat starts cleansing me from the inside out and my manic brain starts to chill a bit.  With each passing mile I think of something else I want to write about. I miss it you guys. I miss my outlet. I miss hitting publish at the end of my post with that freeing feeling of having let it all hang out. The good, the bad, the ugl...

I've decided that writing is a little, no scratch that...a lot like exercising after a hiatus.  It's been on my list. It's been on my mind and especially in my heart.  I have been through a myriad of emotions since Talon has joined our family and I have done the opposite of what I did when Paxton was born. I found I am just unable to write.  Tonight though, I think I am ready. I have four children. Four BOYS!  There was so much talk of having a girl while I was pregnant, that I think I was partially brainwashed. I truly believed he was a girl until the moment I saw his boy parts to which I burst into laughter.  The whole room actually erupted in laughter when we saw it was another boy. Sheer, joyous, belly laughing laughter.  As he lays here beside me now I cannot imagine having a girl.  Talon fits so seamlessly into our family I can barely remember life before him. ***************** I remember being in the hospital drowning myself in every s...