The Wild Wild Wests

i don't know where 38 weeks went... i literally can't wrap my head around that fact, but here we are about to have a baby.  i'm not gonna lie, i am a hot freakin' mess.  the emotions are in full swing and the tears even greater.  the combination of excited and scared is an incredibly powerful mix. i am a control freak and i am once again, not in control.  of this labor.  of this baby.  of my boys and their care in my absence or of my emotions (clearly).   i try to stay busy, no scratch that, i AM to busy most days to spend much time dwelling on it.  i am assuming that's how i made it to 38 weeks without losing my ever loving mind, but when the lights go down and i am snuggled next to my sick boy in bed or stroking masons cheek as he falls asleep i am overcome with emotion.  this journey is far different than the journeys prior. i know more now. i know to much now. i miss the innocence i had before paxton and yet i cherish every single momen...

( remember stream of consciousness posts are just that....random thoughts strung together with a bit of pregnancy hormones thrown in for good measure ;) today i celebrate 34 years of life... i feel as though i have lived double that some days..in experience, in learning and in loving.  none of which are easy.  they all three take work and experience can be the hardest because a lot of times we don't ask for the experience, it's forced upon us.  we fight it oh' do we fight it, but somehow always come out of it grateful just the same.  i had a long talk with a very near and dear friend this fine birthday morning.  she was there for austin, mason, tadem and then paxtons diagnosis, like literally right there and continues to follow us today. she just recently lost her mama. it was a long, incredibly hard battle much like paxtons and yet very different in so many ways. and yet we sat talking this morning about life. it's crystal clear clarity at times and its ever ...