The Wild Wild Wests

i don't really remember when i started writing...i mean i remember the vows of love that i wrote to whoever my crush of the month was back in middle school, i's dotted with hearts to boot. but really writing...maybe high school.  i know i have always been a deep girl.  sometimes to deep i think. i had to watch my grandma, the only mom i have ever known, slowly and painfully die from leukemia right before my innocent nine year old eyes.  i think from then on i was changed forever. i miss her just as hard today as the day we lost her... she taught me how to be the mommy that i am today. even as young as i was the years that i had her are ingrained in me. she was an artist, i am a writer. she would be proud.  i remember in college writing letters to her when i thought my world was crumbling around my feet.  i realize now that the world was not in fact crumbling around my feet, and i can say i now know what that truly is. i still have those letters to her under the ...

there's thing i carry around twenty four hours a day, seven days a week. i have had it for awhile now and some days it's just there, like an extension of me and i carry on. other days, it's dragging behind me, ever so burdening in it's heaviness.  some days, like today it makes my heart stop.  that weight pressing down on my mommy heart as i watch his color change before my eyes. it's my "griefcase". i have to sit on it to get it to even close. it's so stuffed with old tears, worry and fear that the zipper has ripped on one side and that fear hangs out like the stuffing in my golden retrievers toy.  i've tried to unpack that damn thing, but you can't unpack when you haven't reached your final destination... we are still traveling this journey.  some days my griefcase gets lost in transit and i move along,  but most days she's right behind me that ole' ball and chain never far behind. i can fake it til i make it, but behind the s...

the house is quiet...i should really shower or eat or whatever, but i am going to write because well...it's been to long. i love to stop by, drop bombs, and peace out for weeks on end. it's good suspense, no...? one of my new years resolutions was to make more time to write and since we are on day seven, almost eight at this rate, of the new year i can see that that resolution is quickly going to hell in a hand basket.  guess there's always next year... ******************* we did big things over the holidays.  cup runneth over things. made mad memories things.  first and foremost we celebrated a boy who struggled for three years to be here with us. who has endured hellish surgeries and recoveries to be here with us. and who did it with a grace we can all be envious of.  i still don't know where the time went, but here we are three years out, three open heart surgeries out and he is kicking ass and taking names. just today in fact, we went to the pediatricians offi...