Monday, January 27, 2014

...twelve weeks...

I've decided that writing is a little, no scratch that...a lot like exercising after a hiatus.  It's been on my list. It's been on my mind and especially in my heart.  I have been through a myriad of emotions since Talon has joined our family and I have done the opposite of what I did when Paxton was born. I found I am just unable to write.  Tonight though, I think I am ready.

I have four children. Four BOYS!  There was so much talk of having a girl while I was pregnant, that I think I was partially brainwashed. I truly believed he was a girl until the moment I saw his boy parts to which I burst into laughter.  The whole room actually erupted in laughter when we saw it was another boy. Sheer, joyous, belly laughing laughter.  As he lays here beside me now I cannot imagine having a girl.  Talon fits so seamlessly into our family I can barely remember life before him.



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I remember being in the hospital drowning myself in every single moment with him.


I remember exactly how I was feeling in this picture. It was like I couldn't get close enough to him. I could barely stand the amount of love filling me in the hours since I had met him.
I did the same thing once we got him home. I would literally sit and stare and hug and kiss him allll day long. I remember holding him up to my face, tears pouring down my face as I looked up at Dave.  The love for my boy was literally overwhelming. I never thought I would have another baby after Paxton. Sure as hell didn't think I was strong enough to, but I did both and there I was after 9 months of worrying if he would be healthy with a perfectly healthy little boy in my arms.  The gratitude enveloped me twenty four hours a day.  Almost to a fault. I never wanted to put him down or miss a single, solitary moment.  I would find myself avoiding people. Avoiding life and having to leave my room because all I wanted was to spend every minute of life with my healthy baby.  I eventually came to understand that because I missed so much with Paxton and had lived with that helpless feeling of not being able to hold my baby that I was clearly making up for lost time. I would look at Dave, eyes full of tears nearly every day and say "I just love him so much." It's all I knew to say.  My facebook post a couple days ago said it all...



It couldn't be more true. It's fierce. All consuming.  You learn the hard way just how easily it can all be taken away and as I have said so many times before, it just never leaves you.


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Today Talon is already 3 months old. 12 glorious weeks ago this day, Talon graced us with his peaceful, happy, completely content presence.



I remember it all. I have relished and savored every. single. moment with him.  Even when he wakes me in the middle of the night I pick him up and immediately smother him in kisses. So so grateful for the opportunity to be with him and be able to nurse him in those foggy hours instead of being shacked up at Ronald McDonald house separated from him.



I learned so much when Paxton was born and throughout his journey. The picture of Talons birth is a very different picture than that of Paxtons.  My cup runneth over beyond anything I can describe.


And my older boys...they get to have a baby brother in the way they have always deserved.  They were young when I left for months to be with Paxton, but not so young that they don't remember or weren't affected by my absence in a tremendous way.  I remember praying while pregnant with Talon that they would be able to experience the gift of this sibling through childlike eyes. Not eyes that see feeding tubes, pumps, scars and heart oxygen monitors surrounding them.  While they didn't know any better at the time I still prayed they would know this birth in a much less stressful state. There were days with Paxton once he was home that he would spike a fever while the boys were at school and I was gone in an instant, All Children's Hospital bound, before they even got home and I wouldn't return for weeks. It was a less than ideal situation, but this one. This one now has ALL of my boys, Paxton included, surrounding each other as brothers should be. It slays me to my core to see how much they love Talon and accept him as if they too cannot remember life before him.



While we don't know how Paxtons journey is going to play out.  Today, for right now, we are a complete family and we have come full circle. When I think back to those lonely days at the hospital, alone by his bedside, I never in a million years would have pictured us where we are today.  We have all grown so much since Paxton graced us with his pillar of strength presence. Now he gets to be the big brother he's always dreamed of and to the sweetest little man ever.  I am so incredibly grateful for the gift of loving Talon through Paxton eyes.  It's a different kind of love after you have watched your child cling to life on many occasions.   It can be overwhelming at times, but the intensity of that love is priceless.

So while it has taken me 3 months to finally hop back on that writing treadmill, I am hoping now that I have taken the plunge that I am able to continue to document our lives.  This blog has proven to be a beautiful reminder of our journey and just how far we have come. Life is pretty awesome like that.  Drops you to your knees and trust me,  I have been there many times in the last 4 years.  Begging. Sobbing. Consumed with terror.  Today I am on my knees yet again, only this time it is in sheer gratitude.


Love and Hugs
~J

Talons birth story to come...

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