Wednesday, July 10, 2013

a lot of you have already heard the news...so if you aren't up for more gratitude, relief and baby talk i suggest you move along ;)  it's been a long 22 weeks.  a long 22 weeks of worrying, panicking, second guessing, flashbacking and crying.  today, however, there were a different kind of tears... today i feel like everything just might be all right.  i can still hear the devil on my shoulder whispering don't get to excited or you'll jinx yourself, but i try to push him away and remember that its a proven fact that thinking positive is better for you and provides better results.

we had our perinatologist visit today. we got to see our baby up close and personal and i mean every vessel, vein, ductus, aorta, archway, valve and chamber there was to see. let me tell you all the ways i have never been so happy to see four, YES FOUR, little chambers.  time stopped for a moment as i laid down on that table.




i remember nearly four years ago like it was minutes ago when i laid down waiting to find out paxtons fate.  it never leaves you man.  i remember seeing the scarred ventricle that was never able to develop. i remember them telling me how "significant" it was.  such a strong f ing word.

this afternoon though, it was like the lady had been there before herself, she got it, and kept me informed of every little move she made commenting with words like "fantastic, perfect and gorgeous". i was grateful.  i was proud. i kept talking to the monitor praising our baby for doing so good growing. i didn't even care how coocoo i may have seemed. i had to remind myself to breathe.  but the praises just kept coming,  tears started trickling and an hour of scanning later we were left alone while the doctor reviewed all that had just been recorded.  i stared at the pictures of the perfect little baby that really is in my belly, because part of me still hasn't grasped that i am going to have a baby in four months. i don't know if its my way of protecting myself or if i am just to busy, but its incredibly surreal, this whole thing. the doctor came in and confirmed what we all suspected. that our baby "has normal heart structure and function". that s/he needs no further follow up and she smiled when i said so we might just get to bring our baby home right away from the hospital.... yes i suspect you might, she said. there really aren't words i can find to express just how i felt in that moment.  if it happens as she suspects, it will be a far, far cry from these days...



so naturally we left and celebrated with food. we came home and i just wrapped myself around my boys. utterly consumed with gratitude and happiness. i laid with paxton at bedtime and just stared at him. this journey. this 3 year long journey with him was so intense and scary.  currently, we seem to be on the other side of that journey.  i don't know what the future holds for him, but right now he gets the normal, every day life he so desperately deserves. i laid my hand on his heart and felt it pumping knowing there's still only half of one in there amazed at him, his body, his spirit.




it was a weird feeling to be at the hospital he fought for his life in without him.  it brought a lot back and yet it sort of made me feel like we had come full circle.  we are doing this again in spite of the fear that paralyzes us, in spite of all the things that could go wrong, in spite of all we have seen.  last night i cried, buckets of tears for paxton, for our new baby, for dave and i and for austin who have all been incredibly emotionally affected by these last three years.  i kept saying to dave "there's so much that can go wrong" and he so eloquently said "but there's so much that can go right..."




 today... today, so much went right.


love and hugs to every single soul who took the time to wish us luck, pray for us and send positive thoughts our way. i read and relished every. single. one.  we love you and thank you for pulling for us as we travel this very bittersweet journey again.

AND NO WE DID NOT FIND OUT THE SEX!!! WE WILL NOT FIND OUT THE SEX!  We will all wait until November!!! xoxo

so much love tonight,
~j


Monday, July 1, 2013

our hope...

you guys....it's started. shit is getting all kinds of drudged up.  we all know pregnancy can make for some crazy dreams, but these nightmares that are creeping in every night are horrid. paxton. it's all paxton. he codes. he dies. i can't wake him up. he's completely purple as i run him into an ER. he goes completely stiff in my arms.  they rock me to my core.  i think i have spent the last week in a heap of tears because i don't know how many more of these i can take.  paxton is of course, beautiful and perfect and as healthy as they come for a kid with half a heart. he's OK and i have to tell myself that over and over lately.  sometimes my husband has to grab my face and tell me he isn't going to die because i can't breathe through the tears.  and to top it all off i can't self medicate ; ) for the most part i am doing ok with this pregnancy thing again, quite frankly i don't have time to be anything but ok. i have three wild, and by wild i do mean WILD, boys to keep me running round the clock.

...yes that is  a baby snake they caught...awesome. just awesome.

i love it. i also love that s/he kicks constantly now, a gentle reminder that s/he is ok.  i need those reminders.  my  mind wanders. a LOT.  i fake it like a hollywood actress, but inside my mind reels with the reality of all that can happen.  and yet in the softening hours of the evening i have found myself wandering off to the idea of  a new baby and nursing and eventually being able to set up a nursery.  i won't do it before. i feel like it's a jink and besides we don't know what we are having and lord knows if it is a girl i am going to PINK the ever living hell out of that bedroom.  i am officially 21 weeks.



over the half way mark. all of our tests have come back perfect so far and we go to st. pete on july 10th for an entire cardiac workup. i am very anxious for that reassurance.  i knew i was a little screwy from seeing all i have seen, but i didn't realize just how much until i got back in the drivers seat again.  it brings back a lot of things i have been able to repress for awhile now.  ya know...this kind of stuff...



it changes you...moves your soul. terrifies your heart. so yah' doing this again is hard and scary and debilitating at times. it's also incredibly exciting and hopeful and bittersweet.  in the end we got paxton.  so i would do it all over again in a second and i will do it all over again with this baby if need be.

***********************

the boys...they're amazing.  they want to know how the baby is going to get out of me. i told them the doctor was going to take it out and mason says "so what...the doctor is just going to rip you open and take it out mom?" in the most nonchalant voice ever.  that is when i use the art of distraction and excitedly squeal "look boys, airplane!" question averted. for the moment of course.

since i last posted mason graduated vpk and is now ready for kindergarten!  i just don't even know where the time went. my masey. my moo moo is now about to go out into the real world (sort of ;). i am not ready for it.  i am not ready to let him go. but, off he will go.  and he will no doubt do amazing along the way.





a little before and after for the records...


i sit here and can't picture my life four months from now with another baby in the mix and yet i look at the before and after picture above and am reminded just how quickly time flies.  in the blink of an eye he or she will be here also and i will look back on this very post saying yet again...where did the time go...

i will rest my head tonight and i don't know that i won't have another bad dream about losing my boy, but what i do know is i have him now and i am blessed beyond any sort of measure to have three amazing little boys who are the light of my life. its hard for me to imagine my heart expanding for another one and yet it did three times over. i can't wait to meet austin, mason and paxtons little brother or sister. i can't wait to watch them learn how to love another little person right along with me.  i won't say that i haven't begged and bargained with god on a daily basis for the health of this baby because i totally have.  i want even more for the boys than for me, to be able to bring a baby home in the story book fashion we all dream of. for them. for all three of them, who too,  have had to figure out how to manage this journey we were placed on. the separation. the fear. the intense love. the growth. it ain't easy but i am hoping this next baby is our sunshine after the rain. our HOPE after the despair.



love and hugs~
j


and because this boy continually steals my heart . my golden boy.  my mini me.

on the back of my seat. in pen. right before we try to sell it. but how can i be mad.  



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